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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

363 replies

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:21

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 27/09/2024 23:11

i wouldn’t be giving this headspace. I’d tell her she’s going, end of. She’s a child, and it’s a family outing. I’ve brought up two dcs, and we’ve probably gone on a few trips that one might like more than the other, but if we only went on trips they both liked equally, we would never have gone anywhere.

Octavia64 · 27/09/2024 23:11

I have dragged teens round things they didn't want to do.

Believe me, there are many many worse things that can happen than them not enjoying it.

My DS once staged a three hour sit in in the car because he didn't want to go on a family day out.

At other times they have spent the day swearing, insulting us, running away and not coming back, and generally making our lives shit.

If it's the JK and trans thing then she may well decide that the correct thing to do is educate you and you'll have three hour long lectures about trans rights.

If you think she'll behave then take her. But worst case is far worse than just she doesn't enjoy it.

Polyp0 · 27/09/2024 23:08

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:52

Possibly, but I think that's ridiculous and not a reason to not go. She loved the stories and until recently was playing HP stuff with her brother. It's not like the experience is about JK Rowling.

Show quote history

It might be ridiculous, and personally I think JKR is amazing, but maybe she is worried people at school will be mean about it, and that worry is spoiling it?

maudelovesharold · 27/09/2024 23:05

Perhaps it's a JK Rowling thing?
Have a chat to her, find out what's going on.

You’ve probably hit the nail on the head. I was blindsided when it emerged in general conversation recently that ds (19), who loved HP, is very anti JKR now. I tried to explain the difference between being gender critical and transphobic, but he wasn’t convinced, to say the least!

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:02

So she didn't ask to go you decided yourself now you are forcing her to go to something she doesn't want to go too

Why?

Needmorelego · 27/09/2024 23:02

My daughter is autistic (age 16) and she often has places she likes the idea of going but is then nervous about going because she doesn't know what the place we are going to looks like.
Or she will worry she won't like it or it's not what she expects.
She worries about whether she'll find things to eat in the area that she knows she likes (ie is there a Costa Coffee nearby).
Something we now do is try to find out as much as we can ahead of going. So for Harry Potter I assume there's a map of the place (I've never been so don't know). Study the map so she knows that when you go in you it starts in the X section and then moves on to Y and look online for photos so she sees exactly what to expect when you first go in.
Look on Google Earth for what is nearby (like favourite shops/cafes). Look at the carpark/train station.
Also you need to make it seem that you are really excited to be going (even though you're not....). If she thinks you're a bit "meh" about it - she will too.
Good Luck.

Alevelnamechange · 27/09/2024 23:01

Djmaggie · 27/09/2024 22:24

She probably feels put out that you didn’t take her when she was desperate to go but now that her younger brother wants to go you have booked it. I’ve been as an adult with my 8 year old DS who really wanted to go and it was good but I didn’t enjoy it in the same way he did.

This is what I would have suggested too.

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/09/2024 23:00

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/09/2024 22:59

I’m generally sympathetic to teens changing their mind, but tickets to HP, like tickets to a West End show, cost a lot of money and take a lot of planning. I’d leave it a few weeks, then bring it up again. She might feel anxious about the immersive elements or the crowds. Have you checked if they have an autism-friendly element? A lot of experiences now offer kits like earphones, fidget toys, dark glasses, and sensory-sensitive maps through the tour journey.

See this www.wbstudiotour.co.uk/additional-needs/

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/09/2024 22:59

I’m generally sympathetic to teens changing their mind, but tickets to HP, like tickets to a West End show, cost a lot of money and take a lot of planning. I’d leave it a few weeks, then bring it up again. She might feel anxious about the immersive elements or the crowds. Have you checked if they have an autism-friendly element? A lot of experiences now offer kits like earphones, fidget toys, dark glasses, and sensory-sensitive maps through the tour journey.

LBFseBrom · 27/09/2024 22:58

DoreenonTill8 · 27/09/2024 22:24

Does her not going mean noone can?
I'd just say, ok, that's a shame,.thought you'd enjoy it, we'll show you the photos when we get back. Don't give it attention or make it the big thing.

Edited

I agree. She is fifteen and will have outgrown Harry Potter. That's normal.
Let the three of you enjoy the day, it will be nice for your son to have you all to himself too.

JaneEyreLaughing · 27/09/2024 22:56

DoYouReally · 27/09/2024 22:49

Every teenager I know that loved Harry Potter now says JK Rowling is a TERF & should be cancelled. Even if you talk it out with them, they might agree differently but it's the teenager stance right now..

One of my nieces will watch the films in my house as she doesn't want anyone to know as it's really uncool apparently.

Might that have anything to do with it.

All the more reason why she should go-to honour a very brave woman who is prepared to stand up for women and one day, your daughter might come to appreciate that.

JK Rowling is a hero-more of a hero than any mythical or fictional creature.

Kittybluecat · 27/09/2024 22:55

Let her stay home. BTW my 6yr old likes HP

whydoihavetowork · 27/09/2024 22:55

I am not into Harry Potter and went under duress. But it's bloody amazing! She will love it. Just get her there.

minipie · 27/09/2024 22:54

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:47

Actually the reason we didn't go before was mainly because I really didn't want to go, but they have asked so many times and then they both seemed really into it I decided to suck it up and go! But since then she seems to have changed her mind.

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Did you explain this to your DD?

Original poster
Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:53

Octopies · 27/09/2024 22:50

Could you suggests she picks the next day out, so she has something to look forward to?

Definitely! I really try to do stuff they will like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:52

DoYouReally · 27/09/2024 22:49

Every teenager I know that loved Harry Potter now says JK Rowling is a TERF & should be cancelled. Even if you talk it out with them, they might agree differently but it's the teenager stance right now..

One of my nieces will watch the films in my house as she doesn't want anyone to know as it's really uncool apparently.

Might that have anything to do with it.

Possibly, but I think that's ridiculous and not a reason to not go. She loved the stories and until recently was playing HP stuff with her brother. It's not like the experience is about JK Rowling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:50

Notadoormat4 · 27/09/2024 22:41

As you've said quite a few times, she's autistic and that has a lot to answer for.

One parent goes, with the son and a friend. The other stays at home. That's just what life can be like with an autistic child.

I've said it twice. I'm also autistic as is DS. And without a good reason I'm not ruining our family day out by two of us not going. You think I'm unreasonable, but I'm not convinced that I am.

OP posts:
Octopies · 27/09/2024 22:50

Could you suggests she picks the next day out, so she has something to look forward to?

DoYouReally · 27/09/2024 22:49

Every teenager I know that loved Harry Potter now says JK Rowling is a TERF & should be cancelled. Even if you talk it out with them, they might agree differently but it's the teenager stance right now..

One of my nieces will watch the films in my house as she doesn't want anyone to know as it's really uncool apparently.

Might that have anything to do with it.

Original poster
Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:47

DownByTheSeas · 27/09/2024 22:45

You've prioritised waiting for her brother to get it and be the right age and missed that she now isn't. She's jealous and feels second best. She asked to go and you wouldn't take her but are now taking her brother.

Actually the reason we didn't go before was mainly because I really didn't want to go, but they have asked so many times and then they both seemed really into it I decided to suck it up and go! But since then she seems to have changed her mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:46

qualifiedazure · 27/09/2024 22:42

If you can't leave her at home then she has to come.

Worst case scenario is she doesn't enjoy herself.

Show quote history

That's what I think. At worst she will be bored (as will I!) and life's like that sometimes. But I think she will enjoy it when she gets there.

OP posts:
DownByTheSeas · 27/09/2024 22:45

You've prioritised waiting for her brother to get it and be the right age and missed that she now isn't. She's jealous and feels second best. She asked to go and you wouldn't take her but are now taking her brother.

Pandasnacks · 27/09/2024 22:43

Is she worried it will ruin the magic if she goes? Does she find any bits of the books scary?

bergamotorange · 27/09/2024 22:43

Notadoormat4 · 27/09/2024 22:41

As you've said quite a few times, she's autistic and that has a lot to answer for.

One parent goes, with the son and a friend. The other stays at home. That's just what life can be like with an autistic child.

This is my suggestion too.

qualifiedazure · 27/09/2024 22:42

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:35

We can't leave her at home alone. She is autistic, we don't have family nearby, she also has other conditions and needs care, we either all go or no one goes.

She won't talk to me about it and she usually talks to me about everything. I'm not concerned she will sulk on the day, she doesn't sulk and I'm certain she will enjoy it when we get there.

If you can't leave her at home then she has to come.

Worst case scenario is she doesn't enjoy herself.