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Original poster

I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

186 replies

ForkTines · 27/09/2024 19:38

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 27/09/2024 23:26

Christ your child scrubs your toilets, get her what she wants.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 27/09/2024 23:24

As pps have said, give her what she wants FGS. Buy maybe £30 of 'stocking fillers' and give her Amazon vouchers for her 'main gift.' We do this with our (adult) DC!

Beezknees · 27/09/2024 23:24

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:20

I think a lot of people don't understand what a "gift" is.

You don't ask for it
You don't choose it yourself

You just appreciate that someone has been kind enough to give you something for free.

If you're not going to make the effort to give somebody something they want then just don't bother.

When I gift somebody something it doesn't come with strings attached. I don't need to exercise such control over someone else that way.

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 27/09/2024 23:24

"she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid"

£11.50 a week for cleaning the floors and the toilets daily without complaint and you won't give her the vouchers she wants for Christmas because you want to feel "thoughtful". YABU

loropianalover · 27/09/2024 23:23

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:20

I think a lot of people don't understand what a "gift" is.

You don't ask for it
You don't choose it yourself

You just appreciate that someone has been kind enough to give you something for free.

🤔 of course you can ask for a gift. Kids choose their gifts and ask Santa for them. You choose what you would like for your birthday and your parents/friend/partner gifts it to you.

And then you appreciate it twice as much because it’s something you actually wanted.

2chocolateoranges · 27/09/2024 23:22

I don’t mind giving money or gift cards for a birthday but Christmas I prefer to buy gifts. So it would be a no from me.

Beezknees · 27/09/2024 23:22

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:18

Beeskneez maybe really you just don't need a gift at all then.

There are still lovely things people can give you. A ticket for perhaps a specific event or experience is better than cash/voucher

Nobody "needs" a gift, that's why it's a gift!

I'd be happy with a ticket to an event I'd like. I find it such weird behaviour to make gift giving all about you as the giver and what you want somebody to have rather than what they want.

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:22

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:16

Its sad that so many people are so spoiled and entitled they can't appreciate a gift any more just because they didn't choose it themselves

So if I go out and pick anything wrap it and give it to someone they have to love it because it is a gift innit

Doesn't matter what the person actually wants they have to love it so they are not considered spoilt?

TripleCarber · 27/09/2024 23:21

I’d give her the vouchers if she was sure that was what she wanted. What would annoy me though, is I know I would end up spending even more because I would have to get a few little bits for her to open because I wouldn’t want her to have nothing on the day. (I’m aware that’s a me problem and if she only wanted vouchers you should take her word for it that she doesn’t want anything else so don’t waste more money!)

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:20

I think a lot of people don't understand what a "gift" is.

You don't ask for it
You don't choose it yourself

You just appreciate that someone has been kind enough to give you something for free.

loropianalover · 27/09/2024 23:19

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:08

Money/vouchers are not really a gift imho.

A gift is something that the buyer puts thought into, not a means of the recipient accessing cash to spend.

Being given cash (or a voucher for somewhere you like) is certainly a gift 🤣 quite arguably the best gift for a 17 year old.

All that matters is that it’s what the DD wants. OP says she’s a great person. Why wouldn’t you give her what she wants for Xmas because mum wants to see her unwrap stuff?

Tautumnal · 27/09/2024 23:19

I think it's a reasonable request, she'll enjoy the freedom of being able to spend. A gift is about the recipient and what they would like surely. A colleague bought me an Amazon voucher for my birthday and it was my favourite thing. I 'saved' it in my Amazon account and promised myself I would only spend it on myself and kept to that. I spent it over a couple of months on new books for my Kindle, I wouldn't usually have splashed out on as many so it brought me a lot of pleasure!

Beezknees · 27/09/2024 23:19

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:16

Its sad that so many people are so spoiled and entitled they can't appreciate a gift any more just because they didn't choose it themselves

Disagree, I think it's bad to just assume what somebody would like to receive rather than asking them and getting them something they truly want. I always ask people what gifts they'd like and if it's money then no problem.

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:18

Beeskneez maybe really you just don't need a gift at all then.

There are still lovely things people can give you. A ticket for perhaps a specific event or experience is better than cash/voucher

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:16

Its sad that so many people are so spoiled and entitled they can't appreciate a gift any more just because they didn't choose it themselves

Beezknees · 27/09/2024 23:15

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:08

Money/vouchers are not really a gift imho.

A gift is something that the buyer puts thought into, not a means of the recipient accessing cash to spend.

Others may see it as a gift though.

I absolutely hate "stuff". I don't wear jewellery, I don't like having knick knacks around my house, I hardly ever buy new clothes. I enjoy travel and experiences, so I'd far rather receive a voucher to do something like that than some crap that I'll never use.

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:14

If I asked my 16 year old daughter to do that she would make a puke face and tell me in no uncertain terms ‘NO’

What because its a job you're fit to do and she isn't? How bloody entitled. Don't put up with it. If she doesn't want to clean the loo she shits in she can go pay for her own house & the loo in it?

You don't ask her to do it, you teach her from a young age to do her share of the jobs around the house, including the unpleasant ones.

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:10

She almost certainly feels that she never has the money to buy anything she wants (50 quid a month which includes toilet cleaning is pretty minimal unless you are literally on the breadline). She values choosing what she wants.

She doesn't value it that much or she'd get a job & earn some money for herself.

Phen0menon · 27/09/2024 23:08

Money/vouchers are not really a gift imho.

A gift is something that the buyer puts thought into, not a means of the recipient accessing cash to spend.

Edingril · 27/09/2024 23:07

So what a person wants is the least important thing for you, so basically you are making this all about you?

Evilartsgrad · 27/09/2024 23:07

Paisleydad · 27/09/2024 19:42

I HATE giving gift cards.

It's like saying that I don't know the recipient well enough / couldn't be bothered to give it thought.

It also seems to say how much that person is worth to me.

If I had asked specifically for gift cards and the person had ignored that, I would feel they didn't know or like me, so...

Octavia64 · 27/09/2024 23:05

If you out this into the "love kanguages" thing that you sometimes see-

You feel that giving thoughtful gifts is really important and how you show you love someone.

She almost certainly feels that she never has the money to buy anything she wants (50 quid a month which includes toilet cleaning is pretty minimal unless you are literally on the breadline). She values choosing what she wants.

Put it another way - you are funding her going out to the shops and having the joy of spending her own money.

If you really insist on doing it your way then maybe take her out for the day with a decent lunch so you can share her enjoyment.

She's clear on what she wants though. Any gift giving from you at this point is privileging your way of doing things.

Isittoolatea · 27/09/2024 23:05

Beezknees · 27/09/2024 23:03

I have a 16 year old. He doesn't get to dictate anything to me "in no uncertain terms", I am the parent. If I asked him to do a household chore and he told me no then there would be consequences.

To be fair I don't usually ask him to clean the toilet but he does other household chores.

Show quote history

My daughter does household chores too. She also cooks sometimes for herself and brothers but she would definitely not clean the toilet!

Beezknees · 27/09/2024 23:03

Isittoolatea · 27/09/2024 22:48

All I want to know is how the hell did you get your daughter to clean the toilet?
If I asked my 16 year old daughter to do that she would make a puke face and tell me in no uncertain terms ‘NO’

I have a 16 year old. He doesn't get to dictate anything to me "in no uncertain terms", I am the parent. If I asked him to do a household chore and he told me no then there would be consequences.

To be fair I don't usually ask him to clean the toilet but he does other household chores.

Domainedor · 27/09/2024 22:57

How about a voucher plus something she'll use, like a new mop and some marigolds?