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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsure how to handle DH

110 replies

unsurewhattodowithdh · 27/09/2024 18:26

DH is depressed at the minute, and I find myself feeling less sympathetic than I'd like to be.

I am sympathetic. I feel awful for him, and I've helped him to arrange some counselling of which he's had three sessions. He's having a nightmare at work, which used to be his safe space/way to take his mind off things. He's having multiple family issues which are bringing up a lot of his childhood trauma, and to top it all off, we just had a baby four months ago (our first).

So I really am sympathetic, my heart breaks for him. But I also have been quite severely depressed in the past, and I had to keep functioning. He didn't give me any extra support. He goes to work but he barely does anything with the baby, it's all on me and I'm working too (although at a much reduced capacity, only a few hours a week) and do most of the home stuff because he works long hours. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, and I try my best.

He's been home for an hour now and is just sat outside in his car. We were talking on the phone and he just cut it off, I'm hungry and trying to manage the baby, I only have a small window between her feeds to get anything done (breasted) and she doesn't like much to be put down, I don't know if I should wait for him but then she might be crying when he comes in and I can't get up to cook it, or just make mine now but end up having to cook twice or risk her crying again, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he can't just come in and be depressed in here. I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel.

I think I'm also a bit resentful that he's being like this now we have a baby, we've wanted one for so, so long and really struggled to have her. I'm trying so, so hard to not let his depression affect me but it is, I was so happy at first but I've been feeling really anxious with everything.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/09/2024 18:52

Yes cook once and leave it there. Or he can make his own.

He is not taking any of the load. So you tell him until he can help the family, he must look after himself . You have yourself and a baby to look after , you cannot do everything for three people !!!

PashaMinaMio · 27/09/2024 18:46

Can you make food for 2 as usual. Plate his up and he can reheat in microwave or, the old fashioned way, over a saucepan of hot water with foil over the dinner plate.
Just ignore the attention seeking twit sitting in his car. What a cop out.
All us mums would like to plead depression and bunk off responsibilities. He needs proper counselling which I read as ongoing, medication and a back bone.

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 18:41

Is he getting any treatment for this?

Cook for both of you and stick his on a plate. Text him and tell him you are cooking then it's up to him.

But you can't go on like this, he's being very selfish.

loropianalover · 27/09/2024 18:38

Does he sit outside work in the car and not go in?

ginasevern · 27/09/2024 18:38

Another depressed man checking out of responsibilities. Leave him to sit in the car and get yourself something to eat. Don't mother him.

IceStationZebra · 27/09/2024 18:37

If he is struggling so much he should be signed off work. Depression is a horrible illness but PPs are right, he does not get to check out of family life.

LittleMG · 27/09/2024 18:37

I think he’s shirking he’s duty op. What would happen if you were both checking out like that. He can be depressed but he needs to do it indoors and watch the baby while he’s doing it so u can make dinner. I think he’s taking advantage. Sitting in the car isn’t doing him any good either, he needs to come in and be with his family.

Gettingannoyednow · 27/09/2024 18:35

Honestly? Forget about him for now. You have to prioritise your baby and your own basic needs.

FupaTrooper · 27/09/2024 18:33

YANBU and you deserve consideration and support.

Depression can be an incredibly selfish illness which negatively affects everyone around you.
In my experience women seem to get on with it and soldier through even when at breaking point... whereas men tend to become very tunnel visioned and unable to see the wider picture or take into account what you are going through.

My honest advice would be to still love and support him, but take a step back. Conserve your emotional energy. Set boundaries.

If he sits in the car, he can eat cold food or cook for himself. He can organise his own things.

You don't need to be mothering two humans right now and it will be no good for your baby if he is depressed and you completely burn yourself out.

I have personal experience with this and actually, me taking a step back gave him a kick up the bum. I didn't realise how much he was using me as an emotional crutch and it probably made it all go on longer than it would have otherwise.

He sounds like he may also need to go on medication to help with this, if he really is unable to cope.

Motnight · 27/09/2024 18:32

Make something for yourself, you're hungry.

Let your husband make his own food when he comes in. Tell him how you feel. You aren't going to be able to carry on much longer carrying all the load.