Unsure how to handle DH

you have to put yourself and DD first and you have to tell him, you will go out. But you also have to tell him you will support him get better. you can do both.

With my DH he would have gone on forever like this if I hadn't pushed him to get help.

A-fucking-men!
Sorry OP, but you've had a child with a man who is (a) not able to be a parent ( not necessarily his fault, depending on what is wrong with him) and (b) is dragging you down with his problems.

He has a child. If he can't muck in with the parenting, he should at least try not to be a drain on you.

Oh, and - from experience - I suspect another woman on the horizon.

So, please stop centring his feelings and start looking out for yourself and your baby. Soneone has to.

@unsurewhattodowithdh
He won’t go on medication because he takes other medication for a health condition that he would be worried wouldn’t work well together, which I understand.
Is he consultant psychiatrist,vor pharmacist, does he have a medical degree?
If not he needs to see a registered professional (not a counsellor, who are fine for talking through/exploring life issues, but aren't qualified to deal with medication reviews or deliver evidence based psychological therapies). A GP or specialist can help with medication and appropriate therapy. You can't fix this for him, but you can decide on your boundaries and support reasonable steps to recovery.

Im so sorry you’re in this situation. Depression is awful but he needs to do more to address it and a anxiety that meds he already takes might hypothetically interact with antidepressants is not reasonable under these circumstances. I’m a psychiatrist and there will be a medication that will be safe to take alongside whatever he’s on now. In his position id be much more worried about you burning out and him failing to form a relationship with his child than maybe possibly some side effects. I’m sure a medical professional could work with him to find something that is safe and tolerable to him.

I would tell him YOU have to have support and that means creating a support network for HIM. You can’t shoulder this on your own. GP appointment, a friend to take him out for lunch or a pint, assistance through work. It’s incredibly difficult to parent on your own, and frustrating when you actually have a SO who for whatever reason is not present for you.

This.

Just crack on with what you need to do and don't expend your precious resources on him for any more than you absolutely need to. Your main priorities are your little one and the mother they need.

DH did similar after our first was born. I treated it as though he had PND. I spoke to my GP and when they were checking if I was OK (I was) I said that I thought mt DH had PND. Dr was great, and said it's more common that you'd think. I told DH that we had a newborn and that he needed to see the Dr because I wasn't able to help him. He was opposed, I said I couldn't cope with the both of them and that baby would win at the moment. He didn't believe he had anything that could be fixed by a doctor and the Dr would send him away. I agreed that if the Dr did, I would abide by Dr diagnosis as long as he was honest and as long as he accept what the Dr said if they agreed with me that he needed help. Dr agreed with me, DH reluctantly had anti depressants and CBT. Many years later he is glad I pushed him into getting help and he advises anyone who will listen to him that they should respect their partner's opinion if they suggest help.

I haven't read all of these replies but the PP who said he can't be depressed if he is going to work , is talking nonsence! loads of people can hold it together for works and then fall apart as soon as they get home.

Bingo.

If your uk see if your local area has something called Andy man club is usually found on Facebook is a group for men to talk through mental health etc without women there so they open up more ,I told my neighbour about it last year as he was depressed he said was better than going doctors ,as he was around others who are going through it and others that have gone through it and offer real advise ,hope this helps .

If he's so depressed that he can't face coming into the family home on an evening - he needs serious help. Same as if he had a physical condition that was stopping him from parenting - he'd seek help right ? I'd be inclined to give him an ultimatum - take some steps (with your support) towards getting treatment for his depression or take it elsewhere as you do not have the resources to look after both him and a small baby.

A few practical suggestions for you lovely

Buy some nice ready meals. Ideally something you can eat with one hand. Ease the burden of cooking and washing up for a while.

Know that it's OK to put baby down, and for baby to cry, while you take 5 mins to wash, toilet, cook, eat etc. Baby will be OK. You need time for you too.

If it ever stops raining, get out with baby for a walk and some fresh air. It will do you the world of good. Husband can come with you, or not, his choice.

And you appear to have no idea about having a young baby and working. She has no more capacity to help him. If she falls apart who is going to look after the baby. Yes he's important. But so is she and ultimately the BABY comes first.

She's got a 4 month old baby and works ffs. She's got no more capacity.

What the other posters are saying could be very true as well. Men can become depressed after the baby is born. Sounds like he needs medication. Is he not going to be so sad that he is missing these precious precious weeks/months of his baby's life . For me medication just helps me want to do stuff. Like talking a walk etc. when you're v depressed you can't do things but the meds help get you out of that rut. He needs an appt asap. And yes you're his partner not his mental health Counsellor. Poor you it's very hard

Would it be cruel of me if he said he didn’t want to go out at the weekend, to leave him at home and take DD out by myself for an hour or two? Even though he doesn’t like being on his own?

Absolutely not.
he is apparently fine sitting in his car on his own... tell him to sit there and do your own thing.

You need to find your anger or at least prioritise yourself.
He is robbing you of this time with your baby - you will never get this time back.
Go to baby classes, sign up for peanut and make some local mum friends. Do whatever you want and go wherever.
Do not let him control you and trap you in your house.

I'd also point out to him that a medical professional is better qualified to tell him what he can and cant take. ALL antidepressants arent incompatible with heart conditions...

Do you have any family or froends who can help or support you or just provide some relief from him???

Unless he's a pharmacist he doesn't get to say he can't take antidepressants with his existing meds, it's an excuse. He needs to get to the GP.

And you need to take care of yourself. Take some time and see some other people, you need and deserve that.

There is a lot of medical expertise on drug interactions. Has he actually been told by any medical professional that there is a problem with taking antidepressants with his current medication? If he is just thinking there might be a problem without finding out, I'd be out of sympathy. The idea that you should stay home with him at the weekends being miserable just gives me rage on your behalf. You are not meant to be his skivy and mental health worker while he explores childhood traumas and skulks about the place. He might be depressed but he is certainly selfish and thoughtless. If my husband came in after sitting in the car for an hour while I'd been looking after a baby all day on my own having decimated my career because he wont lift a finger round the house, my first impulse would not be to have a warm dinner for him. I think you need to get a lot more selfish about what you need and expect.

As OP my heart goes out to you. And to your dh. Especially when you've waited so long for a baby. I've been in both your places tbh. I've been very depressed but also had an ex who had depression. It's so frustrating and difficult for both of you. Being depressed myself sometimes what helped me was a bit of tough love. Depression is selfish it's true. Someone gave me tough love once and even though it hurt at the time it did jolt me into trying to help myself rather than wallowing so much. Having an ex who was depressed a lot - I used to go out just me and the baby or children. I wanted to enjoy her they are babies for such a short time so try not to feel guilty about wanting to make the most of every minute. And being around people who are excited to see the baby is ok and good for you. Your dh needs to discuss medication with his gp and not make his own decisions about what medication combinations he can or can't take. There's usually some combination that will work: if I were you I'd take a bit of a step back. And what would happen if you forced him to hold the baby. Just hand her over. And go upstairs?

Do either if you have parents nearby that can come to help (with DH i mean)?

Is he pressuring you to keep it quiet at all? You really need support with this.

He doesn't want to be left alone with a baby.

He can still outside alone in his car perfectly well, though, can't he?

You need to google ‘over responsibility’ and think about getting yourself some psychotherapy.

You’re not responsible for him and you don’t need him to ‘help you’ with the baby, that is his baby, he’s not helping you

Depression is a grim illness and in a different league from feeling low. It needs to be treated. He must see his GP.

But him being ill does not mean you cease to be important and have valid needs of your own. You cannot mother him out of this - he needs proper treatment.

Getting people to accept treatment is very hard I know - I have been where you are. But you cannot take responsibility for making him better any more than you could mend his broken leg.

I've always been amazed at how many men become "depressed" once a baby is born and all the attention isn't on them anymore, and shocker, they're now expected to pitch in and do their share when they used to just sit on their arse and be catered to. Interesting how that happens. *insert eye roll here

What? You can't go out because he doesn't want to be left alone! That is very worrying - he's controlling you.

The description of how he treats your DD is so sad.