Unsure how to handle DH

I agree with this. At the rate that Op is going she will end up properly physically and mentally ill. She can't take on anything more.

He really should discuss medication with his GP they will be able to ger specialist advice if required.

There are a number of options that can be prescribed alongside other medications.

I really think you should get out with the baby over the weekend even if he doesn't want to.

You are doing a fantastic job. You need to focus on meeting your needs so you don't burn out. DH needs to take some personal responsibility and do what ever he can to improve his depression

Gently, OP, stop making excuses for him and giving reasons for his behaviour. Look after yourself, merrily stroll past the car with your dd, go for a walk, go to a baby group/to see your family, get on with it. He prefers you to be in the house with him smacks of control, you need to get out, he needs to see a doctor. If he won’t help himself, why should you? I have little sympathy (been through it with a depressed/bipolar family member) when they won’t help themselves. Look after yourself and your baby. Access as much support for yourself as you can from family and friends.

OP has already helped him to get counselling. She is doing everything in the house and everything with the baby, as well as working a few hours a week.

What else do you expect her to do?

I would suggest that you contact his GP surgery. They won't share any medical information BUT you can put them in the picture and share your concerns. If you ring them, they'll give you an email address or you may be able to fill a contact form out online. I did this when my Dad first fell ill and they were brilliant, got him in under the pretense of a medication review and went from there. If he's worried about medication interacting, then he needs to know about alternatives and I'd question how he found this out too ie from a qualified Doctor and not Doctor Google.

You can support him without enabling him to carry on like this, if that makes sense. And if you are scared about suicide, then that's all the more reason to get help on board asap. I really feel for you, life's hard enough with a newborn baby let alone coping with this on top.

Would it be cruel of me if he said he didn’t want to go out at the weekend, to leave him at home and take DD out by myself for an hour or two? Even though he doesn’t like being on his own?

As others have said, he's fine alone in the car.

Your baby would probably love some fresh air and outside scenery. It might help her sleep later too.

However you decide to move forward with your husband, please remember that you are the one doing all the caring for your baby, and as such, you MUST look after yourself. You will not be able to effectively care for your baby if you sink into this depression with your husband.

So eat when you're hungry, get out for fresh air and exercise. Do nice things for yourself. It might mean some practical changes now. Make sure you have plenty of easy snacks, ready meals to hand. See if a family member can take baby for a few hours a week to give you a moment to breathe. Talk to friends and family about how you feel.

Definitely push antidepressants. When he's able to listen, tell him how you felt last night. Try and make him understand the effect it's having on you, and ask him why he won't help with the baby.

Whether he's depressed or not, he sounds very manipulative and not particularly pleasant to be around.

You're spending your evening talking to your husband on the phone while he sulks in the car outside, to the point where you're not even cooking yourself meals? And he's manipulating you into staying in all the time too?

Honestly, fuck him.

It's totally normal for a new mum to feel stressed when their baby cries and to want support to minimise that happening.

Definitely step back. Stop accommodating him. Tell him he will have to see GP/get counselling for his depression. He is destroying your early days and memories with your baby.
Make yourself a sandwich and leave him to cook for himself.
If the house is a mess who cares.
A lot of men act up like this with a new baby because they resent not being the centre of attention any more. You need to make it clear you only have the energy to look after the baby right now.

And I am also picking up ‘other woman’ vibes. I think there is more going on here, I hope he goes to the GP and talks to them this week. You can’t fix it. Try to enjoy your baby and focus on that joy if you can.
Good luck x x

Has he spoken to the GP about the medications and if they are safe together ?

Don’t believe what he says about that, he might just not want to take antidepressants, which is his choice but you don’t have to live with it if he makes this choice.

if he has an Employee Assistance Program, there is FREE counselling, it is completely confidential and that covers YOU also. You can call them confidentially and privately and you can get support too for yourself because he is looking after himself first. You are left holding the baby.

I’ve done this. Sometimes depression is so exhausting and so overwhelming I’d need to sit in the car for an hour to get the energy to go In the house after driving home.

FWIW I wasn’t shirking anything. I lived alone.

Having a father and husband who is mentally coping and able to help is putting the baby first. Especially as all I am suggesting is booking him a GP appointment for medication and getting them to refer him for talking therapies. It literally takes the burden off OP to get him professional help.

It does sound a tiny bit like your husband has conjured up a mental illness because he’s competing for your attention. Sitting in the car could just be childish attention seeking. I would start acting like a single mother and rely on him just for monetary support. Please don’t let him draw your attention away from your baby, you will look back with so much sadness and resentment that you didn’t see through his crap earlier and allowed him to rob you of this special time as a mother.

Also worth considering, if you stop giving him attention for being depressed he’ll come up with some other ailment to grab your attention with, maybe he’ll decide he’s been sexually abused as a kid or something. I sound cold hearted but I’ve been in your situation and watched my partner cycle through attention seeking tactics to see which one works the best.

OP, you sound like a very lovely person. To me, you do sound sympathetic and are trying to keep everything together for your family whilst your DH sorts out his mental health (with your encouragement).

However, I agree with the posts saying put yourself and your baby first. Go out when you want to, it is good for you and the baby. Meet friends and family without DH when you want. Absolutely do not cook twice! Make one big pot of something he can reheat, and freeze some of it for another time (once the baby starts weaning, you don't want to be preparing 3 separate meals!). Your DH also needs a GP to work out which medications are best.

Keeping your own wellbeing is a priority and is best for your DH and baby. My family lived with my depressed sibling for years. It was absoluutely draining as we pandered to it - mostly because said family member accused us of being unsupportive if we so much as went for a meal out even if they didn't want to join us. I firmly believe it caused the depression in my DM too. I don't want this to be you or your little one in the future.

Fuck that.

Sorry, I've all the sympathy and empathy in the world for those suffering with depression, I've experienced it myself and been around it. Grief at the same time. It is not an excuse to detach from family life and leave your partner, quite literally, holding the baby!

My DH had an awful accident several years back. Thrown off a horse and ruined his hip. He was off work for a long time even though it wasn't a physical job. The pain was awful, he was so, so depressed. He still got on with family life. He still parented and did what he could around the house (usually 50/50, but this would have been unreasonable then). He can walk okay now but still has bad pain flares, and it absolutely upsets him when he has to walk with a cane. He's not pouting about it in the fucking car while I'm inside being Mary Poppins.

Your DH obviously needs help, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. But he also needs a kick up the arse because you cannot do all of this on your own. Well, you could but you shouldn't have to! Ridiculous that he won't even spend time with his baby! Jesus Christ.

I don’t know how he can sit downstairs while DD is crying up here because I’ve had to put her down to set the bedroom up for our bedtime routine - if he just held her for those few minutes she wouldn’t have to cry. Or better yet, set the bedroom up

I don’t disagree that your DH is being a selfish twat. You need to prioritise yourself and the baby. However, you are showing some pretty unhealthy behaviour as well. Babies cry. They just do. Trying to tie yourself, and everyone else in knots so they don’t cry is not healthy. It will in no way hurt your baby to cry while you put them down to set up your bedroom, given this takes a standard amount of time and not hours. If you had other children, a toddler etc then sometimes they have the immediate need and baby has to cry for a bit, all normal, no harm done whatsoever. Being less tense about this aspect will likely benefit yourself and DH.

Oh for gods sake, he can't take anti depressants because he's worried about drug interactions?! This is a man doing everything he can to not get help. To keep you absolutely dancing to his tune and pandering to his every whim - while he fucks off to work for long hours, and when he is at home he is refusing to touch the baby and is sucking your energy with long talks about how dreadful he is feeling!

Don't let him suck the joy out of this time - you don't have to put up with this.

His first priority should be you and the baby. If he's that bad he should be off work and putting all his time and energy into housework and child rearing. If he's working long hours that means I expect he could do a good 8 hrs a day of housework and childcare.

I'm being a bit facetious but this sounds like 100% self diagnosed depression which is being used as a stick to beat OP with. I've never heard of depression that prevents you from touching a baby or being alone EXCEPT for when you are sitting in your car.

If it's real then he needs to go to the GP, find an anti-depressant that works with his existing medication. Get signed off from work and chip in at home.

And you absolutely need to get out of the house, with or without baby. Every day and at the weekend.

Make some mum friends and get some support.

I wonder if I wrote this! The first year with baby wasn’t the exciting time I expected it to be. It sounded similar to yours OP, but I was the one with family drama, not DH, on top of everything else. The phase, ‘everything changes’ is such an understatement. I took it one day at a time and now my DD is a toddler and it is very different to the first year.

Great post

This!

This.

But if HE didn't support her while she was very depressed, don't you think that has coloured her views about how she should act for him? Why should SHE support him?

I thought another women too. Is he sat in his car just staring into space for an hour?
I’d start to detach tbh. Put yourself and DD first.