Unsure how to handle DH

I came here to write something like this - you've summarised it perfectly @FupaTrooper . OP, control the controllables and look after yourself. You can be considerate where possible (eg I might cook a double portion if it can be reheated - if not, don't) but you need to put your own oxygen mask on first - your baby needs you and you going hungry won't make your DH better. I had a severely depressed partner and you absolutely cannot let the depression suck you into its orbit. Keeping yourself and your baby alive is paramount.

As a PP has said, he has a responsibility as a husband and father to seek proper medical intervention if he is feeling this poorly, and as hard as it there comes a point where you need to remind him of this.

I’ve been there twice since we’ve had kids with DH and both times it’s been absolutely bloody awful on a personal level for me - doing everything and THEN also trying to be there and manage him too. Last time it happened we had a very serious talk. I told him I loved him and wanted to be there for him but I needed him to fully engage with every professional out there, take the meds, and just try to fake it for little half hour bursts for the kids. I think if I hadn’t seen him acknowledge this and put real effort into engaging with everything that might make him better there might have been a point where for me and the kids I would have had to ask him to move out for a bit.

Good luck, and try to remember what you need as well.

Really feel for you.
It's so hard to hold on to your own positivity when somebody else is relentlessly negative about the life that you share, and it's hard not take your partner saying he hates his life personally when you're working so hard to make that life as good as it can be.

It's good you've posted here though. I was advised that it's completely normal to find it hard, and that asking for support/finding somewhere you can vent is a good idea. You need space to focus on and deal with your own feelings while trying to help him handle his.
You're not a bad person for finding this difficult, and your mental health matters just as much as his does.

He has a responsibility as a husband and a father to get himself some help, whether he wants to or not. If he genuinely feels he has depression, he needs to be on the phone to the GP tomorrow (or filling out an e-consult now) so that he can access an emergency appointment.

However (and I say this as someone who has had depression in the past) a lot of his language and behaviour seems to be designed to keep you in your place. He sits outside in the car but keeps you on the phone so you're not free to do other things. He makes you feel uncomfortable for wanting to go out. And now he's using language designed to make you do what he wants to keep him from harming himself.

I'm sure someone will shoot me down for that, but remember, having depression or any other kind of mental health issue isn't an excuse to treat the people around you like dirt. You need to prioritise your baby daughter here - if he won't get himself help then do whatever you need to do. Good luck.

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Sorry for your experiences OP and congratulations on your baby.
I really hope things get better

Okay I see where you are coming from, I just thought that some comments were a bit harsh, he does need to check in and not check out. And looking at the thread he is getting help.

My post wasn't really about OP it was directed to the harsh commenters 😪

Perhaps I am naive, me and my partner do not yet have children. I just can not imagine leaving my other half struggling and sorting myself but I don't have the context of children...

Thank you for pulling me up on this and making me think about it more widely x

He goes to his GP asap, and the GP prescribes suitable medication that is compatible with his other health condition medication.

I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel

OP, I understand. My DH suffers from depression, and I am understanding, try to help, totally happy to pick up all the slack without a second thought when it's particularly bad.

Or I was...right up until I had a serious mental health crisis (ended up under crisis care). This was during a period when he was doing okay, but he immediately acted like I was a burden that he couldn't deal with, telling me that he couldn't be there for me because he was "too depressed". I carried on doing everything, trying to care for him while I was really struggling, but he wouldn't do the same for me because "his depression meant he couldn't".

When he next had severe depression I couldn't bring myself to be quite as generous with time and sympathy, because of how he'd behaved when I needed him - that was the first time I'd ever felt I needed equal care and understanding (if not to actually come first), and he'd made it about him again. I've never been able to go back to how I used to be before he reacted like that.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

You're not unreasonable to be struggling, the whole situation sounds exhausting and overwhelming.
Take care of yourself and your child, don't feel that you have to treat him like an extra child who needs to be cared for if you don't have the energy for that.

If he could go stay with family so he can be cared for and you can focus on yourself and baby it might be helpful for you. How do you think he'd react to a suggestion like that?

Could he go to family and stay with them for a while so you could at least focus on yourself and the baby? Parents/sibling /friends?

Do you think his depression may be caused by his other medications? Is that a possibility? I don’t know any medication that you can’t take paracetamol with. It must be really extreme.

Is he being honest with you?

Could he ask the GP for a review of his medication?

perhaps you need to go to the session and say I can’t look after him and prioritise his needs, we hava a newborn baby who only has me, and I need to look after this baby. So if he needs admitting or you have serious concerns please bear in mind I can’t just sit and watch him 24/7, I’m totally at the end here. I thought we were having a baby together and that’s not what’s happened.

Not everyone can get on with it when depressed
It can feel like that.
But when you're responsible for other people, eg when you have young children, you don't have a choice. I've been clinically depressed; still had to listen to my kids, make dinner, run baths, do their laundry etc. My own personal care suffered, I did nothing for myself, and I was regularly taking five minutes to hide in the bathroom for a private cry, but there was no choice but to get on with it for my children.

If you had a baby who needed feeding/bathing/settling to sleep your exhausted OH wouldn't be able to come out with a cheerful "hiya!" before hanging out in the car with you. He'd be stuck inside doing everything by himself, wondering if he could finally manage to eat, with no chance to rest or look after himself, all while worrying about you.

If OP burns out from all of this she doesn't have the option to sit in the car being overwhelmed, does she?

When OP was struggling he offered no support or understanding to her - meaning she had no choice but to keep going. Can you not see why his behaviour now might seem additionally selfish?

What he needs is support and to seek real help. See a GP for some support or meds and get on a waiting list
OP has already tried to help with this. She has arranged counselling for him.

@nothanks17 Did you miss the bit about how he won't go on medication?

@Nothanks17 - did you miss the bit where he didn't give OP a single bit of support or care when she was in the same position?

That's why he's being criticised.

All the people saying he is selfish... no wobder men don't speak up about their mental health.

Not everyone can get on with it when depressed. Sometimes it is absolutely debilitating and you only can do so much masking or none. Conversing with others, showering, making a brew can feel like climbing a mountain covered in lava and despair.

What he needs is support and to seek real help. See a GP for some support or meds and get on a waiting list.

Ive been one to mask and arrive home and feel 'stuck' in the car. My other half comes out sots in with me and is like hiya! Are we sitting here for a bit.

Yes he has responsibilties and that is to try to get better. For better or for worse remember

Honestly, I would find it hard not to hate him right now. You're doing too much. Stop. You are not responsible for another adult, he needs to sort himself out. And his behaviour and lack of care towards your daughter is completely and utterly unforgivable.

There is helping and then there is enabling. By pussyfooting around him, doing everything for him and baby, not pulling him up on his horrible selfishness, you are enabling him to just check out of all responsibilities.

You are not awful, you are wonderful and an absolute hero. But this cannot continue, depression or not, he can pull his weight around the house or leave.

I know you won’t want to do this OP but in some respects he’d be better moving out, at least then you wouldn’t be holding onto the hope that he would step up.

I’ve seen this happen too many times with men and young children. I’m not saying his depression isn’t real but they fail to see how under pressure their partner is to pick up all of the pieces with a young baby and seen to sometimes wallow in their own misery as a way of getting out of stepping up. It always always ends up being at the detriment of the woman who is trying to keep a baby alive and also not burn herself out.

I am so sorry you are going through this op. I have lived through a period when my dh had depression. It was so difficult, and so tempting to get angry with him and want him to pull himself together. And I didn’t have a new baby to cope with!
But I worked in mental health. The term “depression “ gets used to describe many sets of circumstances.Sometimes people are very low and stressed, sometimes they are very unhappy with their life, sometimes they are checking out from responsibilities. But - when its what I would call “clinical” depression people can have little or no control over what is happening to them and it can be impossible to continue normal life or react in the usual way to people you love. It’s a horrible illness but many people have no real understanding of it or how it differs from more “ normal” reactions to difficult circumstances.
No one on this forum can know from the information you have given what category your husband is in. So some of the replies you’ve had here are potentially quite dangerous.
I do agree that you need to prioritise yourself and your baby. And I completely get your frustration. But your husband needs to see the GP and you need to continue to try to be supportive and encourage him to talk about his feelings. And check that he’s not thinking about harming himself.
You know him - you are the best person to judge whether this is illness or difficult behaviour. Other posters don’t know him and have their own predudices affecting their replies to you no matter how helpful they are trying to be( same with me) .

I have been in your position. The baby is nearly 11 now and we are all on the other side of it .
Whilst everything is ok now it definitely has chipped away something of our relationship. I felt very let down.

Priorities you and the baby. Confide in some friends whom you can trust. Build a life of your own.

Then go from there..

Good luck op, hope it all works out ok x

I would just leave him in bed and get on with your day, to be honest. Don't let him manipulate you into staying home or giving up your life for him.

I've had depression and have every sympathy for someone struggling, but you don't get to use your struggles to control other people. He doesn't get to tell you what to do with your day - just let him be.

Being around people and doing things can be exhausting with depression. He probably just needs today to recover.

Is the therapist virtual or in person?