To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

I’m autistic. I tend to be very factual and people don’t like that. I try to communicate the way others expect me to but I don’t always succeed. I also don’t really understand why people are offended by facts? I try not to make unsolicited comments but when I’ve been asked a question I reply truthfully.

For example, I was invited somewhere and I replied in a very factual way “I am unable to attend because I’m otherwise engaged”. Apparently this is wrong. You’re supposed to express disappointment and regret, THEN say you can’t attend, and finish by saying how upset you are and you hope to get together soon. This all seems unnecessary to me - pointless padding.

Nowadays I use ChatGPT to craft more human sounding responses. But obviously I can’t use it in person! So no, it’s not always just rudeness when someone is factual and doesn’t do social niceness as part of their communication.

It’s all about context. If you were with a friend and about to buy it in a shop, I think it would be fine to put you off. Same if you were just about to get a really bad haircut or make another bad decision.

However, if it’s too late to do anything about it (eg you were already wearing the dress on a night out or had already cut your hair) then people should keep quiet.

I am a clear, effective and polite communicator. I use phrases like “I disagree with you” which I can dial up or down as necessary. I don’t take stuff personally and I am good at finding the things we can agree on. I also know when to say nothing

As am I. I actually enjoy a good, civil debate so no issue whatsoever with people disagreeing with me- this has prompted some amazing and insightful discussions in the past which I have throughly enjoyed.

However, the "I just call a spade a spade" people are usually not like that. They dont express their views in an assertive, civil manner which invites further discussion. What they usually do is express an entirely negative (notice how they never express their honesty in a positive manner?) and unnecessary comment that is never up for discussion, and is designed to bring someone down and make them feel superior. That isnt about being assertive, or merely expressing your own views on things, it's being a dick head, and they never seem able to take it back either - when someone expresses an honest opinion about them, which is odd considering their apparent love of "speaking as it is".

The ability to edit information before it's passed from your brain down to your mouth is an important social skill. It doesnt mean you shouldn't say what you think, but there are ways of expressing it that dont harm or denigrate others.

Yes and no. Obviously there are diplomatic ways to convey the ‘honesty’, but one also has to ask themselves why they are considering something to be rude. Is it the delivery, or is it simply that sometimes the truth hurts?

This is absolutely spot on! And beautifully written too.

And then they even accuse you to be too sensitive 🤐

Are you Danish? Dutch?

My other wonderful colleague (who is very softly spoken and sweet) said 'well if you know what we're all thinking, you'll know that everyone thinks you're a massive cunt'.

Fantastic!

I just thought I should let you know because I didn’t want to say it behind your back, before they say something that BLOWS EVERYTHING OUT OF THE WATER! And always when the decision is made and changing it means upending everything! I’d rather they don’t tell me!

I work with someone who boasts about their 'I'm just honest, me, I tell it how it is' approach, which basically means they are just rude and argumentative.

At a recent meeting they made completely unkind and unnecessary comments about a colleague who wasn't present at the meeting. When I responded that they were out of order they did the whole faux shock thing and said 'I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking but too weak to say'. My other wonderful colleague (who is very softly spoken and sweet) said 'well if you know what we're all thinking, you'll know that everyone thinks you're a massive cunt'.

Professional? Probably not, but the rest of us almost cheered. I think we've all been the brunt of this person's 'honesty' at some point, so I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.

I just say

you want to be rude with a caveat

they often change the subject or never relinquish their comment

Yes!!! Also, have you noticed that when you comment back to them with your own version of "brutal honesty" they cant take it? Suddenly they dont like it! 😂

I think the key to whether an 'honest" person is a wanker or not is whether their honesty is unpleasant. If someone is just committed to telling the truth as they see it, presumably they also see lots of positive things and are honest enough enough to point out that you handled that tantrum really well, your garden is looking beautiful and they've noticed that you do more than your fair share of driving/offering lifts as well as that those boots need a clean.

The worst thing my mother used to say to me was ‘I’m only being honest’ after literally saying the nastiest things to me, it would usually be topped of with ‘it’s for your own good’

I just want to throw up in an opinion that’s a bit different, whilst agreeing that just calling a spade a spade is basically admitting to being a twat.

There is nonetheless a much larger chunk of people who cannot cope at all with conflict of any description. They can’t cope with people expressing an opinion they don’t share in a calm but assertive way. They are appalling at communicating.

I am a clear, effective and polite communicator. I use phrases like “I disagree with you” which I can dial up or down as necessary. I don’t take stuff personally and I am good at finding the things we can agree on. I also know when to say nothing.

In my opinion, those who most dislike the Spade’s a Spade group also tend to be in the bad with conflict poor communicators group.

Indeed - you can't live your entire life as if you were a contestant on Catchphrase!

Yes, they're actually boasting about their lack of internal monologue and simple inability to know what is and what isn't appropriate to say in a social context.

All of the rest of us could do exactly the same thing if we wanted to, except we have basic social skills and try to be kind people, especially where it's something trivial and inconsequential; so we don't feel any need to just abuse people for a hairdo or outfit that we wouldn't personally have chosen.

I remember years ago an aunt of mine commenting "Oh do you know you have a double chin?!" (I had just had a baby and had gotten a bit chubby) and I replied "Do you know you have had a double chin for the past 30 years but I've never mentioned it?"

Nice one

It depends if the receiver of the feedback opened the door or not.
I'll give you an example. A relative of mine was at a party where some woman was spouting racist nonsense. She turned to my relative and asked; "You don't think I'm a racist, do you?" He answered, "Yes, I do think you're a racist."
Some people told him he was rude, but I said no, because she opened the door.
What I'm saying is don't broadcast your opinions if you don't want them challenged and don't ask questions if there's a possibility that the answer will upset you.
If you are easily hurt by the opinions of others, don't get into discussions that are likely to become contentious. Stick to small talk.

Otoh, if somebody is not soliciting opinions by broadcasting their own or asking for feedback, politeness dictates that you should leave them alone. Don't just blurt out your negative thoughts about people apropos of nothing.

None of this applies on the Internet, because all of us here are broadcasting our opinions. We can't expect people not to challenge them. We can hope they mostly do so in a civilized and reasonable manner, but I do think it's unrealistic to expect people won't be annoyed by things we say and won't get a bit wound up at times. That's only human.

I ditched a friend because of this because six YEARS ago I dated a man who was initially nice but ended up being a twat so I dumped him but because I hung onto him for a few weeks while he transferred my car into my name (I paid for it) that makes me an awful person for staying with him (literally a few weeks ffs) she has stayed with a man who beat her for years she is still with him now she has many MANY children with him but rips the piss out of me over a few weeks? "Just being honest" no your not your bringing up the past to berate me for no fucking reason he is gone long gone there is no reason to speak about him so just stop? She wouldn't so we are no longer friends she has other friends who put up with her "honest" behaviour she literally treats everyone like this then wonders why no-one helps her out anymore

I don't live the the uk and I see this too, like here saying 'I want' or 'give me' are perfectly formal requests. You definitely couldn't say that in the uk! I do think we are odd when it comes to politeness and manners.

It depends really what you think is 'being rude'.
Like if you didn't like a meal at a restaurant for a genuine reason like, it was cold, overcooked etc, would you tell the waitress the truth when asked how was the meal? Or lie and say it was great?

Obviously if you say something like 'it was horrible' this us also honest but could be seen as 'rude'. But I don't necessarily think that being honest equals rudeness. Truth hurts sometimes but I'd rather that than protected by a lie

I had a boyfriend like this. Whenever he said “I’m just being honest,” my reply would be “No, you’re being tactless. There’s a difference.”

100% Although you hear it less now.

'I speak my mind' followed by something utterly mindless and always rude. Surely the whole point of civilised society is that we don't speak our minds.

'They're lovely once you get to know them!!' = they're a rude bastard but you'll get used to it 🙃🙃🙃🙃