To find it frustrating when people say “they’re just being honest” when they’re actually being rude?

See also "I'm a marmite person. People love me or hate me"

Everyone actually just hates you

Calling someone a cunt in a workplace meeting isn’t the gotcha you think it is.

Are you Danish? Dutch?

"The ability to edit information before it's passed from your brain down to your mouth is an important social skill. It doesnt mean you shouldn't say what you think, but there are ways of expressing it that dont harm or denigrate others"

That's what I'm in the process of teaching my nine year old GC. They've moved up a year and their teacher is brilliant at teaching them boundaries and how every opinion doesn't have to be shared and because they think it, doesn't make it the truth. I'm autistic and ask myself, "is it wanted, is it needed, is it helpful/kind", before throwing my two penn'orth in, not necessarily with good friends, but work/in laws meet ups, chatting with strangers/acquaintances etc.

@AgileGreenSeal I see parents laughing at things said that they should be pulling their children up on and it continues. If it's a case of never being taught social niceties, then I think people can change. I learned sarcasm from my Mother, brash boldness from my Father (different culture) I didn't realise it wasn't something that you didn't do until I got a bit older. I'm glad an older woman took me aside and kindly told me were my communication was going wrong.

My best friend and i would happily start a setence saying, 'if i'm honest, you look like a sack of potatoes' if that was the case
Because we know context, understand nuance, and know that the phrase 'if i'm honest' can soften a harsh truth.
Just because you don't want to hear the truth, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Not all truths require delivery of truths by unicorns and rainbows

For what it's worth, I don't think this is what's being described in this thread - being accidentally rude is kind of par for the course for us autistics (especially when we're tired).

I think this thread's more about the people who are inexplicably proud of the fact that they don't give a damn about anyone's feelings.

My best friend and i would happily start a setence saying, 'if i'm honest, you look like a sack of potatoes' if that was the case
Because we know context, understand nuance, and know that the phrase 'if i'm honest' can soften a harsh truth.
Just because you don't want to hear the truth, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Not all truths require delivery of truths by unicorns and rainbows

I’m autistic. I tend to be very factual and people don’t like that. I try to communicate the way others expect me to but I don’t always succeed. I also don’t really understand why people are offended by facts? I try not to make unsolicited comments but when I’ve been asked a question I reply truthfully.

For example, I was invited somewhere and I replied in a very factual way “I am unable to attend because I’m otherwise engaged”. Apparently this is wrong. You’re supposed to express disappointment and regret, THEN say you can’t attend, and finish by saying how upset you are and you hope to get together soon. This all seems unnecessary to me - pointless padding.

Nowadays I use ChatGPT to craft more human sounding responses. But obviously I can’t use it in person! So no, it’s not always just rudeness when someone is factual and doesn’t do social niceness as part of their communication.

It depends if the receiver of the feedback opened the door or not.
I'll give you an example. A relative of mine was at a party where some woman was spouting racist nonsense. She turned to my relative and asked; "You don't think I'm a racist, do you?" He answered, "Yes, I do think you're a racist."
Some people told him he was rude, but I said no, because she opened the door.
What I'm saying is don't broadcast your opinions if you don't want them challenged and don't ask questions if there's a possibility that the answer will upset you.
If you are easily hurt by the opinions of others, don't get into discussions that are likely to become contentious. Stick to small talk.

Otoh, if somebody is not soliciting opinions by broadcasting their own or asking for feedback, politeness dictates that you should leave them alone. Don't just blurt out your negative thoughts about people apropos of nothing.

None of this applies on the Internet, because all of us here are broadcasting our opinions. We can't expect people not to challenge them. We can hope they mostly do so in a civilized and reasonable manner, but I do think it's unrealistic to expect people won't be annoyed by things we say and won't get a bit wound up at times. That's only human.

I work with someone who boasts about their 'I'm just honest, me, I tell it how it is' approach, which basically means they are just rude and argumentative.

At a recent meeting they made completely unkind and unnecessary comments about a colleague who wasn't present at the meeting. When I responded that they were out of order they did the whole faux shock thing and said 'I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking but too weak to say'. My other wonderful colleague (who is very softly spoken and sweet) said 'well if you know what we're all thinking, you'll know that everyone thinks you're a massive cunt'.

Professional? Probably not, but the rest of us almost cheered. I think we've all been the brunt of this person's 'honesty' at some point, so I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.

@Otteronaplane couldn't agree more, ex SIL was a horrible bully towards me when I first met exh and had a reputation amongst the family for being selfish and rude but they would complain about her and then say "but you know what she's life" she is still a massive twat to this day because no one really ever pulls her up on it (I did in the last few years of my marriage but felt I was seen as being a troublemaker for doing so)

Every person I have ever met who says either "I call a spade a spade" or "I tell it like it is" had been an absolute twat who is justifying their rudeness.

Context is everything.

"If I'm honest, I think you look like a bag of potatoes in that dress!" = rude

"If I'm honest, I don't think that's going to work so we may need to reconsider the plan" = honest

Every person I have ever met who says either "I call a spade a spade" or "I tell it like it is" had been an absolute twat who is justifying their rudeness.

I work with someone who boasts about their 'I'm just honest, me, I tell it how it is' approach, which basically means they are just rude and argumentative.

At a recent meeting they made completely unkind and unnecessary comments about a colleague who wasn't present at the meeting. When I responded that they were out of order they did the whole faux shock thing and said 'I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking but too weak to say'. My other wonderful colleague (who is very softly spoken and sweet) said 'well if you know what we're all thinking, you'll know that everyone thinks you're a massive cunt'.

Professional? Probably not, but the rest of us almost cheered. I think we've all been the brunt of this person's 'honesty' at some point, so I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.