Can you please stop using the term IVF to mean have a baby via sperm donor.

I'm childfree by choice, but as you may guess from my username I am a very proud stepmother (the wicked bit is a running joke with my stepkids, honest).

At 40 I was (happily) single and then look at me 7 years later 🤣 Married with (now) teenage stepkids.

If you want biological children you have time, albeit not a lot. If you don’t want to go that route then there’s still plenty of time for you to end up a step parent, which I highly recommend! I’d argue it’s much easier to be a stepmother without your own kids and the associated challenges of ‘blending’, and you get to dip in to parenting whilst always being able to “hand them back” when it gets challenging 🤣 Mumsnet doesn’t seem to rate step-parenting much, but it’s actually pretty great!

Parenting comes in different forms for all of us, but being 40 and single doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen for you.

OP, I never succeeded in having children, and had IVF 3x and IUI x2. I’m now 58. I’ve had 2 husbands, but single for the past 16years.

Yes, the feeling you describe does fade, and becomes more of an occasional, slight, melancholy wish, especially as most of my friends are now at the stage where grandchildren are appearing. All the friends without children have partners. So I think I have an inkling of what you mean.

I think the biggest challenge is people saying things which bite without any intention to do so, My friend is waiting excitedly for her 1st grandchild to be born next month, and has been regaling me with every step and appointment. I certainly don’t want to make her choose her words, because it IS a wonderful thing for her, but when she told me that having a ‘bébé’ (what she calls it) is a very difficult thing to go through, I thought, well, not having a baby is pretty difficult too. I know from experience the dynamic changes when these life changes happen, so I’ll be put in the back burner as a friend for a while. Which is fine, I have other friends and concerns.

Ride it out, if you’re sure you don’t want IVF. I’ve enjoyed my friends’childen, and am aunty to loads. Life is good, as love and joy are always possible with a bit of self knowledge. Good luck 💓💐

But you are telling the people who are offended by how the OP has spoken about ivf how they should be speaking on this thread ? So it’s the same thing.

OP maybe it's fate you didn't meet a partner and you weren't meant to be married/have children?

But she didn’t say that. She said nothing about infertility. She talked about herself, and that she didn’t meet someone to marry and have kids with.

Exactly. Tedious is the word. Literally every view or opinion someone shares on an issue of any importance, no matter how carefully worded, will be offensive to somebody somewhere.

Not having kids isn't a health issue. It's perfectly valid not to agree with creating life in such a way whilst still wishing to take advantage of modern medicine for illnesses.

Why are people kicking the OP when she is down for not picking her words carefully enough for you? Leave her be. Honestly, this place sometimes.

The OP doesn't personally believe in IVF. She has every right to her view and to express it in a thread about her own experience. Stop with the thought police, it's tedious. How do you get through the day being offended by everything - in this case on behalf of other hypothetical people who might just read the thread!?

I have no problem with IVF. If people want it they should try to get it. But I have no right to tell another person, who doesn't share my view, that they should moderate their language when all they've said is "I don't personally believe in it". To quote Ricky Gervais - just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.

Here you go:

open.spotify.com/episode/2eBa2lkvIwiECm68tShXpb?si=anDj6e9wSAiGoI7g78KmJQ

Elizabeth Day talks a lot about coming to terms with this OP.
You might like her podcast "how to fail"

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/elizabeth-day-children-motherhood-fertility-b2502632.html

If you want a debate about IVF, start a thread.

OP is an actual person, sharing feelings of sadness/loss. Have a bit of empathy and respect.

This.

So when people get ill, maybe we shouldn't give them treatment because if we follow the same logic 'if you were meant to live, you wouldn't have gotten ill'?

I'm sorry but your logic or the lack of is just bizarre...

I do hope you'll get the family you wish for though 💐

Three lemons it sounds like you have a poor understanding of IVF and what it involves as it can be indicated for male infertility as well as female. I guess insulin and antibiotics are against nature too so let’s not bother with those either.

You feel how you feel, OP. Sit with your feelings if you can. I think it can be helpful to hear other people acknowledge that, even if not having children is a decision, rather than enforced by circumstances, it can be difficult, and need some time to come to terms with. Obviously for some people, it’s completely straightforward, as it never occurred to them to even contemplate having a child, but for some people it’s not so easy.

Bit of an overreaction

They do say it takes a village to raise children (not a woman and a man 😉 !) and if you have good relationships and good times with your family, you could still have support if you did choose IVF route. And just to be awfully cynical for a minute, plenty of women with partners (as frequently shown on here) end up feeling like they might as well be single parents for all the effort and understanding some blokes contribute 🙄 Just.. if you think you’ll regret not having child of your own don't discount IVF. Otherwise, there is also fostering or adoption if your nurturing side can only be fulfilled by raising child/ren.

I’m in a happy marriage but I have ASD. I don’t want to pass it on and I don’t want to have a donor egg and go through IVF. I also don’t know if it would be the right decision for me to have a child given I struggle badly with anxiety. I’m perfectly intellectually capable but I think I would get emotionally overwhelmed. So despite the fact I do want children, I am coming to terms with a child free life. It’s hard though, I do feel sad about it.

FWIW I am quite a bit older than you, I do have a child but a lot of my close friends don’t.

I think it’s very normal to have a “why hasn’t it happened for me?” period.

Most of my child free friends, whether child free by design or otherwise, are now very much at peace with it.

One who really pined for children but didn’t ever have them is now very happy, very successful with an incredible job, a great partner and a great social life and is now grateful.

If you are absolutely hell bent on having children forget the dating and do it on your own: there’s nothing worse than a desperate push to find “the one” before your deadline. It won’t do anything for your mental health. Putting yourself on the market like that is an awful way to live.

But if it doesn’t happen you will come to terms with it.

I am a bit confused by this. If you think you might be content without kids if you had a partner, then I suppose keep looking for a partner?

More generally, I am not sure if anyone can answer this question for you as it depends on the person. Some people move on and find happiness in other ways. Some others may have a lot of regret. Lots of people will be somewhere in between. All you can do in any event is carry on looking for meaning and happiness in whatever ways are open to you.

Have a look at Gateway Women, OP. Amazing resource for childless women.

I take from this that your attitude really is that if something is meant to be then it will happen. I don't think you said it with judgement.
All I can say, if I am right, then this attitude will become more and more relevant as you get older. I am married, (so i realise a different situation) but the same situation with regards to no children. Not able to have children meant I had this attitude to, if it was meant to be it would happen and that I would try and make my life happy and full in other ways, not become overcome or obsessed with becoming pregnant. Wanting to be happy regardless of the children fate situation, is what has got me through. And now in my late 40's the realisation that I wouldn't want to be an old mum, that I am happy, that I am settled and wouldn't want now to have that huge life changing situation of a child becomes more in focus. I still become upset, and I realise I do have my husband for support and you don't. What I am saying is try and build focus elsewhere, make yourself happy and you're younger than me, you do still have time to meet someone and have a whirlwind romance but if that doesn't happen then continue to work on enriching your life in other ways and eventually you will accept the hand you're dealt