My sons tutor sent me an email to say she’s concerned about him

Teachers are so busy. They really do not bother contacting parents unless they feel they really need to.

Take him to the doctors, check he hasn't got access to any devices overnight.

Teachers have enough to do. She’s not singling you or your son out for a laugh or to have a go at you. It doesn’t matter if your daughter thinks she’s unpopular. A teacher has noticed your son is not himself and cared enough to get in touch. Great if there’s nothing wrong, but she may have done you a favour if there is a problem.

These tutors know her DC. They know what's normal for him, and this isn't it.
OP herself has said that he's been quieter then usual.

its completely different to hammer on about looks, interrogate health, self diagnose and refuse to listen when told your wrong.

The tutor didn't do any of those things

Go and get his bloods tested. Sometimes people outside the family notice changes more easily than those who see them every day. She’s not accusing you of anything.

My daughter had anaemia. She has a good diet but not enough iron was being absorbed. The stuff you get over the counter is useless, only a GP visit and a prescription helped.

Bless her for caring!

Someone saying our baby didn't look quite right (a relative who was a doctor) probably saved her life.

Maybe so , but most have done so in an unnecessary patronising way .

You're probably upset because you see this as a criticism of your parenting. Get over that for a start. You see your son every day so any small changes aren't going to be as obvious to you as they are to someone who only sees him occasionally. The school sees a change in his behaviour. You should listen to them. Get the boy checked out.

I mean I would probably be offended by that call, we are VERY fair Irish skinned with a silver/blue undertone, grey eyes, white blonde hair (though it darks to red around puberty) and if we get cold we literally turn blue. Dark circles under the eyes is something I have always hated but can't control and we are also quite 'gangly' and slim.

We are not 'sick' (but even if we where its no one elses business to question) its just genetics and is common in our heritage. People often say and do stupid things about how pale and pasty we are (people often especially as children touch us out of the blue to 'take or temprature').

Frankly you wouldn't get away with commenting on the skin colour of any other race so why do people think it is ok to do it to us?

And dear god don't anyone jump in offended and say 'you can't be racist to white people' or other default crap we get often when sharing our experience... anyone commenting on things about anyone's looks that they can't/don't want to change or touching people without permission IS ignorant and inexcusable.

It might be one thing to ask, 'I hope Mini nice view is feeling ok he has seemed a little different to usual recently' but its completely different to hammer on about looks, interrogate health, self diagnose and refuse to listen when told your wrong.

Teacher caring about child’s welfare. Surely that’s a good thing?! I would be checking his phone usage. And thank her for bringing it to your attention. I’m a teacher and I flag kids presenting like that to our pastoral team. Safeguarding concerns. It’s good she noticed, is there a reason you’re so defensive?

YABU. They took time out of their day to tell you their concerns. It's your business what you do with that information. Being pissed off and upset is totally unreasonable.

Furthermore, who cares how popular they are. It's not a popularity contest. They are doing their job. The kids need to do theirs and learn. They also need to understand that you'll have to work with people you don't like and suck it up.

I literally cannot fathom hearing a genuine concern from someone who knows your child well and coming to MN to froth about it instead of a) talking to DS to ask how he is feeling and b) considering a GP visit to rule out anything medical. Honestly.

Why on earth would this piss you off??

Sometimes we miss things because we see things every day, you should be grateful you have a caring teacher looking out for your son!

FFS. Teachers can do no right by some people. You should be bloody grateful that this person took the time out of her busy schedule to show concern and thanking her. How extraordinary to be pissed off by it.

No wonder teachers are leaving in droves and recruitment is at an all time low! They are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

She is worried about your child and its made you mad?

The world! Ffs!!

Does ge have his phone in his room? Might go to bed early but is he scrolling all night?

As a secondary school tutor, I would say the tutor is concerned. And we are trained to flag any small signs of change within our students. 95% of the time these changes are normal. But some times they do signal something more. For example, staying up into the early hours on phones (a ridiculous amount of students do this with parents who have no idea about it). It doesn't mean bad parenting at all. They become fairly devious a lot of the time at hiding things. Gaming into the night or potentially other things going on. Mental health worries perhaps. Not saying this is the case with your son, but these things do happen a lot in teens, more than most realise. The tutor is concerned. If you are absolutely sure he is getting a good amount of sleep & eating well (both of which can be hidden by some teens) then all is well. But I don't think it's unreasonable for them to flag it. It has taken them time to email you (which teachers really don't have- trust me time to sit and write an email is very scarce!!) - why would they if they had no concerns? I would be glad that they are observant enough to notice changes in your son! :)

When I was 14, my friend developed anorexia and lost a huge amount of weight very quickly.

Somehow her parents only noticed that this might be a problem when her form tutor rang to express concern to them.

I'm not saying your son has anorexia but a good teacher should notice changes in their students and express them to the parents where appropriate - it might get them the medical treatment they need.

Why be on the defensive? Just say "thanks for calling, I'll get a GP appointment booked in".

Teenagers keep secrets from their parents. What is he consuming outside school? Is he actually sleeping through the night or is he just in his room at certain point? Drugs? You can't know for sure and so why not have a conversation and go to the GP?

You sound so defensive that it makes me wonder if there actually is something wrong at home, or perhaps some secret in his personal life?

Teachers cannot win!! FFS, here is a teacher showing concern and noticing changes in a student in her care and a parent complains!!!

Can you explain what not being liked has to do with this teacher's observations of your child?

She thinks he looks unwell. Why are you defensive?

I'm another teacher who has contacted home with concerns about a child not looking well to be met with a pissy attitude and a suggestion that a complaint would be made about me.

No one wants to hear anything negative about their child. The instinct is to shoot the messenger. The news was delivered in the wrong way, or the person had no right to say that to you, or they are totally wrong, you know best etc etc.

Stop shooting the messenger and just take your kid to the doc to be checked out.

Just take him to get his iron tested like she suggested? she's just concerned

Teacher here - Head of Year 10.
A couple of thoughts… As others have said, be glad someone cares enough to pick up the phone. It’s hard to see things with our own kids sometimes and an experienced outsider’s view is often helpful. I don’t think 10pm is actually particularly early for a young teen - depends what time he has to get up, but they need more sleep than adults. What’s your phone policy at home? Could he be on the phone when you think he’s asleep? I’ve seen this lots of times.
Even if he is fine, I think you ought to re-frame your attitude towards his poor tutor. What the hell does her popularity with other students have to do with anything?!

Funny, I browse a lot here and don't comment often but I think this is one of the most helpful comments I've ever seen. Never mind the OP, it's really made me think about a few things in my own life/ my rections. Thanks @pinkdelight !