Excluded from grandchildren's life

I suspect she is controlling and sulks if she doesn't get her way and your son goes along with it to keep the peace. This is an impossible situation for you. I have seen it with members of my family. People can say "oh you did this, that" but this takes no account of controlling behaviour. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Does your son see his siblings at all?

I know. I meant that they were probably unlikely to accept an invitation if it was forthcoming, because of the OP's attitude.

The OP said that she sees both of her other sons most days. It would be hard to try to pull the wool over her eyes about them attending their brother's wedding, especially as she minds their children!

Are you absolutely certain your other sons weren't invited to the wedding? Maybe they just couldn't face the inevitable fallout if you found out they'd attended, when you'd made yourself so unwelcome.

It cuts both ways. They are both valid concerns. No matter what your perspective is, having concerns about the nature of the relationship and the haste of the nuptials, is not unreasonable.

Clearly they feel judged, you weren't supportive of their relationship and that has caused problems. Would you go out of your way to visit someone who doesn't like your wife? Who doesn't like you? Who disagrees with your life and parenting choices? Of course she wants to see her family, wouldn't you? Of course she is less keen on seeing someone who is not supportive, who jumped to conclusions about you before they even met you and who continue to criticise your decisions. How would you have dealt with someone trying to tell you how to raise your kid's when they were young?

The truth is your son and his wife are adults and have different ways of doing things than you. I'm sure you mean well but you're overstepping your role as grandparent and mother of your adult, married son. It's easy to blame it all on your DIL, but even if you're right and she's a wrong un, your attitude towards her won't help you see more of your son and grandchildren.

And yet you didn't question why your grown, 30 year old son was dating a twenty year old? If anyone had dubious motives it wasn't her..

If you believe the sun shines out your son’s bum and he can do no wrong.

The valid concern would be why a 29/30 year old would be interested in a 19/20 yo.

I think if my 30 year old son were marrying a 21 year old I had never met, I might voice some worries to him privately, and apologise for them later, as the OP did. It is very very upsetting and worrying to be so completely excluded from one's adult kids' life, and in my fairly extensive experience (I have quite a few close friends with adult children), it is not always the fault of the older generation.

It was a valid concern in the circumstances.

OP, if it were me, and those were my grandchildren, I would go to the postboffice and mail the birthday presents.
Do you have any video chats with them?

Learn to speak your dil's language if you can't converse with her or the kids in it.

DH hasn't 'let' me do anything since we met. If my MIL alao had that opinion, I'd be VLC too. Your contempt for your DIL is palpable. I can't imagine you hide it much better IRL either.
Read your OP back from your DIL's viewpoint.

You think questioning her motives and implying she’s a gold digger is not doing anything?

Grandm :

"We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground "

I 'get' the age bit but what is it about her background that made you uneasy, apart from being Ukrainian? I mean, was she a student, or working, educated?

You may be correct, actually.

same!

A family rift doesn’t seem an undesirable state of affairs for OP’s son, given that the way for there not to be a rift is seemingly for them to shut and do what they’re told.

OP may not have got off to a good start with his wife, but even aside from their obviously being history with her son not wanting her to meet his then-girlfriend or attend him the wedding, she’s got form for arguing with them about their decisions as if she gets a say in them. She doesn’t. She’s giving her opinions where they’re not wanted. She may not like the ones they’re making, but she doesn’t have to! They’re not her decisions to make.

OP is obviously free to share her opinions and argue the point if she wants, but then she has to accept the consequences of doing so is further estrangement.

Where did you get 30hrs from? Even the OP said total travel time was 24hrs, and I'm really not placing a lot of faith in that estimate.

30 hours was mentioned by @SJM1988 for her own planned trip to Australia. And for what it's worth, London to Kyiv is not far short of 24 hours at the moment, with a long slow trip from the Polish border by train.

(Other than that I'm with you 100%.)

As a grandparent it would break my heart not being able to see my grandchildren. However, although my grandchildren live less than 10 minutes from me, I would never visit uninvited. I didn’t appreciate this when my children were small and their grandparents did it to me. Maybe it’s just me but I accept that it’s not just about my needs and wants.

Sounds like the damage was already done.

All you can do OP, is slowly, and genuinely try to build bridges.

Don’t dictate what is and is not safe for your grandchildren. Their mother is fine with taking them to Kyiv. So you should respect that.

Don’t turn up to their home unannounced and uninvited.

Instead, try and arrange a half-way meet up point as a family. Tell your son you would like to see your grandchildren and offer to arrange a day out.

I think as much of the blame for that lies with the son! He could have acknowledged his parents' real concerns and not gone running telling tales out of school to his then-partner. He could have made sure his parents met his gf before they got married to reassure them. He could have invited his family to his wedding - and remember he didn't invite his brothers either - and he could have avoided causing a whole family rift.

We never explicitly called her anything. We expressed concern that the relationship may not be built on honest motives, due to her age and back ground

You think they are stupid and didn't realise what you meant, then you don't get an invite to the wedding, you think they didn't notice because you didn't spell it out? Come on you've made comments since and then wonder why they won't come and visit?

You've made your son and DIL feel uncomfortable, you've made unsolicited remarks and they don't want to hear that type of stuff. You probably don't even realise how much you do make these comments.

In all honesty they probably are wary of having the children around you incase you say things without realising.

with the best will int he world you are going to have to let this go, your son has made a different life for himself. Stop pressuring him to visit, leave him alone - make sure he knows the door is always open to all of them. You need to accept that you don't have the relationship with him that you have with your other sons. You can love them all but not have the same relationship with them all.

The more you push the more damage you will do. Just let him know you are there should any of them need you.

I agree with this op.
Sorry you are getting a hard time I can see both sides. Have his brothers not been able to forge a stronger relationship with them?

But they probably actually have a relationship with theor family in Ukraine. Where as they clearly don't with you since you've met them twice.. I'm not surprised you don't see them with the way you talk about your son and his wife

And the OP has pushed it because she is worrying for her grandchildren's actual lives.

You've had a really unfair pasting here OP just because you have had the temerity to be a MIL with a (sensible) opinion. And I say that as a thirty something who normally sees the DIL perspective.