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AIBU?

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Original poster

Excluded from grandchildren's life

608 replies

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:09

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

OP posts:
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/09/2024 13:28

I really can't understand why people think OP is BU to worry about children being brought to a dangerous place. Or for being upset because the GC travel so far to meet one set of GPs but not the other.

OP this issue begins and ends with your DS surely. He was the one who didn't introduce you to his girlfriend before they got married. You can hardly expect her to look up your address and show up alone! As with any relationship, she has to take his lead in how his family relationship works. I'm wondering why you were excluded from the wedding? Was it a private wedding or did the include others and not you? It seems there is more here than the issue with GC.

I think you are getting a typical AIBU reply here, piling on OP without all the facts.

Iwontlethtesungodownonme · 27/09/2024 13:28

You have had several big fall outs over decisions they make? Have you forgotten they are adults?

Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 13:27

To add more, so you think your grandchildren will want to hang out with you knowing you hate their mother? It's pretty obvious so they'll pick up on that.

Original poster
GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:27

SJM1988 · 27/09/2024 13:26

It's clear you don't approve on the relationship from your post. You can't not approve then expect to see your grandchildren.

Turning up unannounced isn't going to help your situation - if anything make it worse.
Disapprove in quiet and don't voice it to them.

I'm taking my children to Australia to see my in laws in a few weeks. It will be nearly a 30 hour journey door to door. Is that not fair on my children? I don't think so.

Well when they arrive in Australia in won't be war torn with air raid sirens more nights than not and the risk of drone attacks! 24 hours to go somewhere unsafe is absurd!

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2024 13:24

How much do you see of your other children? Do they see each other?

We see both of our other sons most days, we provide childcare for our other grandchildren and have them all for dinner on Wednesdays. They don't see much of their brother either.

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 27/09/2024 13:26

It's clear you don't approve on the relationship from your post. You can't not approve then expect to see your grandchildren.

Turning up unannounced isn't going to help your situation - if anything make it worse.
Disapprove in quiet and don't voice it to them.

I'm taking my children to Australia to see my in laws in a few weeks. It will be nearly a 30 hour journey door to door. Is that not fair on my children? I don't think so.

MrSeptember · 27/09/2024 13:25

HOw much contact did you maintain with your son when he moved abroad. Because if you've never met this woman, why would he not invite you to the wedding? I can't help wondering if you gave him a hard time for moving, perhaps when he told you he'd met someone etc so that by the time they got married, they decided it was easier to simply exclude you.

They live in a small flat so reasonable they don't want visitors. Have you actively invited them, AND made them welcome - no pressure but just for a meal or a day out or whatever? Without judging every decision they make?

goodboystepup · 27/09/2024 13:24

We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.

And why are you blaming her for this? If your DS wanted to tell you or wanted you there that's down to him.

On the visiting, or course you don't show up uninvited, that's a good way to piss anyone off! It's a rude thing to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2024 13:24

How much do you see of your other children? Do they see each other?

Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 13:23

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/09/2024 13:13

You have clearly disapproved of their relationship from the get go. I imagine they have picked up on that.

Also, this.

CurbsideProphet · 27/09/2024 13:23

It sounds like you need to go right back to why they did not want you to be at their wedding.

goodboystepup · 27/09/2024 13:23

Plenty of people take their young children to America or Australia to visit family, travel is great for kids.

Either way, it's none of your business and you have no say in their travel choices.

MissRachelismycoparent · 27/09/2024 13:22

You can't turn up at their house uninvited? I would also agree it sounds too small for visitors.

You mention it was their birthdays... why didn't you send a gift to the house for children to have on their birthdays?

I feel there's a very different story to this

Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 13:22

I can see why they don't want to see you.
Why are you so controlling?

Namechangeforcheese · 27/09/2024 13:21

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:17

Yes and it Is 24 hours from leaving London to arriving in Kyiv. They fly to Krakow, then get a train to a town on the border then a 12 hour overnight train to Kyiv. Absolutely 24 hours and not fair on the children at all!

Show quote history

Absolutely 24 hours and absolutely none of your business. You are the children's granny not their parent.

I often disagree with my adult children's decisions but unless they ask me my opinion I keep quiet.

TheShellBeach · 27/09/2024 13:20

OP you can't just rock up unannounced at someone's house at the weekend, and expect to be welcomed.

They're quite right that the house is too small for visitors.

You can post the presents to the children.

You sound judgemental and I'm sure that your DIL has picked up on it all.

What has her age got to do with the price of fish?

And why shouldn't she take the girls to see her family? It's her homeland, after all.

Pixiewombat · 27/09/2024 13:20

Sounds like you've said plenty.

I'd shut up and listen a bit, if I was you.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 27/09/2024 13:20

You are clearly blaming her over him, he’s at least 50% responsible for this situation and I suspect that he’s the one too tired (lazy) to visit you tomorrow.
If you tell them stuff like the kids shouldn’t travel to a war torn country then it’s no surprise that they avoid you.

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 27/09/2024 13:19

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:17

Yes and it Is 24 hours from leaving London to arriving in Kyiv. They fly to Krakow, then get a train to a town on the border then a 12 hour overnight train to Kyiv. Absolutely 24 hours and not fair on the children at all!

Show quote history

Why not?

They will sleep on the train.

Sounds like jealousy to me, you're upset she is taking them to see her family and not you.

Edingril · 27/09/2024 13:18

Well keep your opinions to yourself to start with, and you wonder why?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 27/09/2024 13:18

There must be more to this OP, you barely see them but have offered your opinion on their travel?

Original poster
GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:17

goodboystepup · 27/09/2024 13:16

It's clear you don't like her, you've said several bitchy things about her.

Is it the Ukraine? That's not 24 hours of travel.

Why are you blaming her for not being invited to the wedding and for them not visiting you? This is all up to your DS to arrange, not her.

Yes and it Is 24 hours from leaving London to arriving in Kyiv. They fly to Krakow, then get a train to a town on the border then a 12 hour overnight train to Kyiv. Absolutely 24 hours and not fair on the children at all!

OP posts:
soberholic · 27/09/2024 13:17

Ratisshortforratthew · 27/09/2024 13:15

I’d like to hear your son’s side of the story

Me too, but I mean that kindly. You obviously want to be involved grandparents but there's something going on in the background

goodboystepup · 27/09/2024 13:17

We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family

And this stands out as a clear reason why she probably doesn't want to see much of you. Their decisions are none of your business, and you starting rows with them over their choices will of course mean they don't want to see much of you.

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 27/09/2024 13:17

The one who has no respect here is you.

I would be keeping my kids away as well.

Her age is irrelevant, and you have zero right to say anything about her taking her own kids to visit her family.