Excluded from grandchildren's life

I’m getting that you’re quite opinionated from your post. I imagine the wife can’t deal with you when she has so much more important to think about with her family living in Ukraine. I see her side. We marry men not their mums, if mil is going to be unsupportive there’s no point wasting the energy on a whole other relationship when you have so much on your plate.

The real issue is why doesn’t your son like you enough to see you regularly. I’d concentrate on that.

Sorry OP but I can see why they have stayed away, assuming this is real.

You have voiced opinions you should have kept to yourself. You have critisized them and their parenting decisions, all while making out you're 'trying to keep the peace'.

Even before this grandchildren came along, you clearly had a strained and problematic relationshiop with your son to be missed out of the wedding.

All this expression of disapproval has not changed them one bit so has been a pointless cause of bad feeling and now they are getting on with their lives without you.

You have thrown away your chance to have a relationship with your son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, sadly.

Let me help you out a little.

1. Your son worried that you would be judgmental of his choices and he was right. Maybe it is time to put this to bed and accept that your DIL is in your life and you need to get on board with it.
2. You don't show up uninvited to someone's house unless you have a long-standing tradition in your and your DiL's families to do so.
3. You don't make comments about your son's and DiL's parenting. This includes comments about their travel to Ukraine.
4. You apologise for your behavior and sit down with both of them to decide how to move forward. Even if it means just a regular video chat with grandkids until you are able to rebuild relationships with your family.

I don't think your son likes you or the rest of your family very much and I can kind of see his point.

So he thought you were an issue before he even had children....

Your entire OP is judgemental so he isn't wrong. What is paying under the market rate - or her age ( unless she was very young and still a teen when they got married) got to d with anything?

Why did you spend £100s on small children for their birthday? That is not your place and is far too much. Why not spend less and send it so they have it to open on the day.

How much remote access do you have, reading the children a story over facetime can be done anywhere.

Lots of Ukrainians have been back to visit family, not all areas are dangerous and the occasional visit when they live in an otherwise safe place is better than nothing.

His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice"

And he was right

I'm a grandmother and was ready to side with you, but I really can't.

you starting rows with them over their choices will of course mean they don't want to see much of you.

That. I don't always approve of or agree with my DD's choices for my grandchildren, but I keep my mouth shut, or at most (and with extreme tact and sensitivity) might ask 'what if' questions that might encourage her to think of the downsides.

If I caused rows with my clear dislike and opinions, I wouldn't expect to see her and the children much, either.

It's tough being a grandma. You feel just as protective of your grandkids as you did if their parent. But it's not your child/ren and you don't get a say. And if whenever they do see you, there are angry words, they're not going to be in a hurry to see you again.

I'm sorry, this is down to you. The only think I can suggest is that you apologise profusely, mean it, and change your ways.

Well OP internalised misogyny has done a number on you.

In fact several numbers but basically everything is always the DIL fault right?

I think your DS has her back, which is absolutely right. It's what you would expect from your partner.

It's time to apologise and reset the relationship.

This is going to be one of those threads where the OP absolutely refuses to accept what she's being told

This. I imagine it is a ripsnorter!

You're the nightmare parents in law.

"We might be judgemental of his choice"

Why ever would he think that?!

The honest truth is that your son doesn't want you involved in his life and no matter how hard you try to blame his wife, it doesn't change that fact. I suspect you know deep down why he is low contact with you , but you can barely admit it to yourself, never mind anyone else.

His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them.

So...why is this her fault? It sounds like your DH made this decision.

Do you really not see why they don't want you around.

If she'd slagged you off the way you have her on this thread would you like her?

She's your DGC mother. You need to respect her.

Don't criticise her. Ever.

Offer gifts. Offer time, consideration & practical help.

Visit but never never never uninvited and always stay in a hotel.

Post cards & gifts.

Sounds like your son doesn't like you very much.

Given that you've displayed all over this thread how judgemental of his choices you are, I can see why!

It has nothing to do with you if she takes their children to visit her family. Plus, you state that your son 'lets' her do it as if she needs his permission. Of course she is going to want to see her family.

You state you have had big fall outs over this which could have been avoided had you stopped arguing with them about it after the first argument.

Your disdain for her is obvious and she will know you feel this way. It's obvious you don't like hers their living conditions etc and it's probably not all you disapprove of. This will have played a part in the breakdown of your relationship with them both. Plus turning up unannounced doesn't help.

You are not blameless in this and if you want to facilitate a relationship with your grandchildren you need to facilitate this by having less expectations of how they should live or behave and certainly less expectations about your daughter in law should be.

But you are judgemental, of his choice of wife and his other life choices.

Maybe because some parts of Ukraine are safe and she wants her parents to see her children and vice versa?
Maybe because OP is coming across as a vicious and controlling person (can you really not read between the lines and see she was horrible to her DIL from the get go?). Why should they expose their children to someone like that?

I'd rather travel a long distance for children to spend time with their lovely grandparents than expose them to someone so toxic, even if she's near London.

Well it’s <obviously> all your DIL’s fault you’re not getting your way 🙄

Well, what you are doing now isn't working and tbh you come across a bit overbearing. As much as it must be scary to know the DGC are in Ukraine, it has to be their parents choice and to be blunt, you don't get a say. I'd stop voicing any negativity and drop the rope a bit. Definitely stop turning up unannounced. Maybe let your DS know that you're there and love them and will work on being less overbearing. Then just be kind, polite, uncritical and lower your expectations for now.

Spectacularly unreasonable. You blame your DIL for things that are clearly joint decisions with your son.
Your DIL's country is at war, her family are in danger and yet you show zero empathy. Why can't you support her a little bit?
You clearly make her feel very unwelcome.
You turn up uninvited, FFS - nobody should be doing that, it's just so rude. They are busy people.
I can't get over how entitled you sound - I think you should consider yourself lucky you see your grandchildren twice a year, and please try not to male things any worse!

you are not coming across AT ALL well in your posts OP!

regardless of your reasons for voicing your opinions, they are not welcome and are making you appear an opinionated busybody. You rock up uninvited, admit to falling out with your son and his wife over things that are fundamentally none of your business and have nothing good to say about your DIL, It’s no wonder they don’t want to make an effort really is it?

I would suggest an apology, a complete change of approach and some inner reflection on the problems that appear from what’s written here to be entirely self inflicted

You are insufferable.

If you were my MIL, I wouldn't want to be around you either.
Luckily, my MIL is nice.