Excluded from grandchildren's life

It’s not fair on the children to effectively go home, because you state they were living there before the war started? They must all miss their home country terribly, you need to accept that their culture and their normal has changed so much, it must be daunting.
you honestly sound like you need to step back and look at your opinions, how you are voicing them and if you are being fair.

If your son said that to his brother, he must think that you are a judgemental person and he probably thought that he couldn't trust you not be be critcal and judgemental at the wedding.

I am guessing that you were unable to hide your feelings when your son met a Ukrainian woman and settled there. The disapproval travelled down the phone to your son and his wife. That’s why they didn’t think you would be a positive influence on the wedding day.

What a shame. For your sake, have some humility, reflect and apologise and try and build some bridges. I hope it’s not too late. It’s not just about arrangements, gifts and half term. There are bigger issues to resolve first.

Most days?! This sounds utterly suffocating.

Look at it from your son's point of view. His mum is highly critical and judgemental about his wife, her age, her culture, her family; and clearly has no respect for her at all. He loves his wife, and she is, rightly, more important to him than his mum. His mum shows no interest in wanting a friendly relationship with his whole family and just wants to see his children, as though his wife is some kind of brood mare.

I'm impressed he's brought the children to see you at all!

OP, I understand why you are concerned about the trip to Ukraine. But by criticising her decision, you are essentially telling your dil that she is a bad mum. I can see why this will have upset her. Please try and understand this.

But you said the journey was unfair on the children in your post! Not that is was because the country was unsafe.

It is also not your choice. Her family still live there. You DIL feels it is ok to take them to see her family. Plenty of children still live war tore countries! Its for your DIL and DS to way up the risk of taking them to see her family.

Honestly if you were my MIL or even my mother, and voiced those sort of objections to a decision I have made on what is obviously a hard decision (to see family or never go and visit them), I wouldn't see you either to be honest.

Wow! You are blaming your DIL and yet it was your own son who didn't invite you to the wedding because you are too judgemental. How is that her fault? You'd never even met her at that point.

There is obviously a lot of background as to how you have treated your son. For him not to want you or his brothers at his own wedding is very telling of something having happened between you all.

I do get you are worried about your grandchildren travelling to Ukraine. However, if you genuinely want to salvage any sort of relationship with your son and his family then you need to stop bad mouthing his wife and start making an actual effort.

OP I think that this goes so much further back than your daughter in law.

your son chose not to invite you to his wedding because he thought you would be judgemental of him. There must be more historical examples for him to have felt this way in the first place. It sounds as though he is trying to protect his new family. How do your family function historically?

This has little to do with your daughter in law I think. You sound very critical in your whole post, but direct it towards your daughter in law as opposed to your son. When people have young children critical or opinionated grandparents rarely do any good. Maybe you could try to find some compassion for your DIL.

Btw Op, you are not coming across well at all.
I haven’t heard your dil’s side but I can actually see why she doesn’t want you to be involved in her life. You don’t have anything nice to say about her.
You need to take a long hard look at yourself

Well, I can quite see why. I'd not be happy with you as my MIL either.

You should have kept your opinions to yourself. Turning up uninvited at someone's house is rude - especially when they have children. You're expecting them to just drop everything and be excited because you're there.

My MIL lives in Norway. I know she wanted DH to move back sooner than we are. But she kept her mouth shut and didn't make me feel awful for wanting to sort out my career in the UK first. Because of that, we visit Norway twice a year. I facetime her several times a week with the kids. I've actually become quite good friends with her and text her really regularly - she's lovely. When we do move to Norway in a couple of years, I will absolutely be chuffed to have her close by.

You harping on about a war torn country just reads as you throwing about faux-concern as a mask for disliking your son's choices. Why does it matter that she's 9 years younger? That's hardly a massive age gap.

OP, why post on here. MIL's are hated beyond belief on MN.

According to MN, not matter what you do is wrong, your a MIL and have no rights or expectations.

Cut them off, go NC for you're own MH and WB. Hopefully you have contact with your other children.

Not your children, not your choice. I had a mil like you and am no longer married as my H wouldn’t stand up to her so I took the kids and left.
You need to keep your opinions to yourself if you ever have any chance of any sort of relationship

Is this a reverse?

Also you clearly put all the blame on your son’s wife… that she has no respect for your family rather than your son having no respect. Tbh you just don’t like her much it sounds like. You sound disapproving of the age gap too.

If the parents choose to travel to other countries worn torn or not that is entirely up to them.

It is also your choice to spend hundreds on presents… I wouldn’t even spend hundreds on presents for my own children.

As other’s have said it would be good to hear the other side of the story.

Maybe she is an utter cow. But he is sticking with her. Maybe becuase he knows she will take the kids from him. Maybe it's a dv situation?

You are judgemental about his choice. You are also judgemental now about the choices being made, whether right or wrong.

Why not try not doing that? Regardless of your opinion, say nothing unless asked directly. Don’t turn up uninvited as they clearly don’t like it. Forget about the wedding, it has been and gone . Try and build bridges. Your DIL probably doesn’t visit as she knows you don’t like/judge her. If you lost the attitude, and genuinely tried to get on she might. You might see more of your DGC too.

what was your relationship with your son before he moved abroad?

There is a lot of 'I want' in your OP. Like you feel your son owes you and should do this or that because you are his parents, rather than son should want to do this or that because he has a loving relationship with his parents. And that is your fault, not your DILs.

Think that Op may be the problem here.
She doesn’t like her DIL and has made it obvious from the get go hence the lack of invitation to the wedding

Insofar as there is an issue here, it's with your son not your DIL. She presumably takes her kids to her family because she loves her family and they are supportive of her, she doesn't owe you the same, especially as you obviously disapprove of her and her parenting.

If you had a good relationship with your son, you would probably see your grandchildren more. I have some sympathy with you because men are often lazy in relationships and maybe your son is the same.

If it's not just laziness on his part (he can't be bothered to facilitate the grandparent-grandchild relationship), then maybe a starting-point would be to accept that he is an adult and can make his own choices in life, but to tell him how much you would like to be a bigger part of his and the children's lives than you are at the moment and ask what he thinks the best way of achieving this is.

They don't like you, especially your son, the wife's attitude towards you hasn't been formed without knowing something unpleasant about you. Only you know what that can be.

You sound entitled.
Her kids, if she doesn't want you around then that's her decision.

You sound intrusive - they don't care what you think.

Whose we?
You and who else turns up uninvited?

Get your own life.
Do your other 2 sons bother with you?

I have 3 sons, all young adults now. If you want to remain in your son’s life you are going to have to learn to step back and keep your opinions to yourself. Your son has made it clear that his loyalties lie with his wife (as they should) and you are a hairs breadth away from him going non contact with you.

you can worry all you like but he is a grown man and is making his own decisions. Your opinion of his decisions should be kept very firmly within yourself. Don’t even share them with his siblings.

Youve had your children and raised them the way you wanted to. Now it’s his turn to raise his children the way he wants to. If you offer a heartfelt apology (which is so clearly needed) you might even get a better relationship with your dil.

To be honest I doubt you’ve got the self awareness to be able to do this tho’

Your own posts make it crystal clear why you don't see them. I wouldn't go out of my way to see you either.

You are so judgmental and entitled, it's no wonder they keep you at arm's length.

You judge her age and the speed at which they got married.

You blame your lack of wedding invitation on her and describe "no respect" when a) your son is equally responsible and b) maybe they just mirrored your total lack of respect for their relationship.

You don't approve of their flat or life choices.

You think it's acceptable to drive an hour to turn up unannounced. I would consider that incredibly disrespectful. I'd probably let you in the first time and let you know never again - and I'd mean it and wouldn't let you in if you turned up a second time.

You failed to give your grandchildren presents for their birthdays. You're now feeling entitled to manipulate your son to bring the children to you when he reasonably judges it not in their best interests. You seem to feel entitled because you spent money. Your son's attitude reflects well on him - I'm glad he's concerned about his children's wellbeing and not just acquiring material things.

In your DIL's shoes, I can understand not wanting to spend her weekends with you.

Your concern about the DGCs visiting Ukraine is understadable, but you still make it all about you and unfairness relative to your in-laws.

Nothing in the post makes me think badly of your DS or DIL. I hope you take some time to reflect on all the responses on here and consider that this situation is entirely of your own making and it's up to you to reset the relationship, beginning with an apology and some genuine listening.