Excluded from grandchildren's life

I'm curious why DS didn't invite his brothers to the wedding either. Definitely a bigger story there somewhere

I would never, ever get over my parents making that kind of accusation.

That's clearly the reason why you weren't invited to the wedding and that and your general opinions attitude will be why they're not keen to see you.

Spot on.

This must be a reverse or rage bait. If it is genuine then I’m really not surprised they’re avoiding you.

Wow OP. So you have a daughter in law who, through no fault of her own, had to see parts of her country torn to tatters, had to be uprooted, had to leave her family, friends, language and culture and come to a completely different country where the narrow-minded mil her husband has warned her won’t approve of her (or his initial decision to stay in her country- this is allowed, even post-Brexit, btw - not everyone wants to stay local to their hometown and pop in for cups of tea) turns up
uninvited at the weekend (when she has 2 young children too so presumably numerous extra-curricular activities) then loudly criticises her choice to take her children to see their family when they can and keep ties with the culture their parents may well want them to return to. You’re completely out of order. Only you can fix that.

I have a MIL who ‚comments‘ on absolutely everything.. Also a very strange sibling of DH who lives at home and ‚comments‘ in an unpleasant and stirring way. It is exhausting and unpleasant. They live close but we barely see them.

I think I can work out why things are the way they are now.

Oh dear, OP, you do sound very interfering. It's absolutely none of your business how and when they travel with the children. You can feel how you feel but you should not voice it – no wonder they keep you at arm's length. Same with the wedding – they clearly wanted it privately between them. They are adults, they are allowed. You can be disappointed, but it's none of your business.

OP I have a very judgemental mother and my relationship is strained. I did consider not having her at my wedding. Unfortunately I did and if i could go back in time I wouldn't have invited her. She ruined our wedding.

Some things resonate here:

You mention the money you spend in gifts- do you think your son is interested in how much you can spend in gifts instead of what way you talk about his wife?

You mentioned her age. You mention how she brings the kids to her mums. You have no idea how you would react if your country would be at war. Stop judging, it is none of your business. Its entirely their decision. You demand seing their children as if that's something you are entitled to.

You need to read your posts and try to find why so many people here says they can see your son's point if view about having low contact with you. Before he takes you out of their lives completely try to see what you are doing wrong.

He is doing what I'm doing atm. He visits very little because he feels guilty of cutting communication entirely with you. But must be a pain to put up with your disapproval every time he sees you. If you want a better relationship, stop demanding and start making changes asap.

Dear OP - you may not be aware of the general characteristic Ukrainians seem to have - they are very determined, strong and even aggressive, individually and as a people(tho' this is a generalisation). If they can stand up to Russia virtually alone I guess DIL will have no trouble standing up to you if you offended her! By the way I think not all the country is being attacked constantly though no doubt this can happen - but everyone whose anyone seems to go there even Sarah, Duchess of Edinburgh went - though they are usually fleeting visits! DIL must be very worried about family's situation so you could be more supportive - do you ask how they are? Can you give them material help regarding finance for a better property to live in - money usually keeps one in touch with one's children I find.

It's interesting that the brother knew about the wedding but also didn't mention it to the op beforehand.

You sound a bit like my mum. We have a relationship now because I've had a lot of therapy and learned to manage her. My brothers both moved far away (one to another country) partially to put some distance between them.

It is very painful and difficult to grow up in a household where you are criticised all the time. It's even more painful when you are an adult and a parent still tries to control and manipulate you into doing/being what they want. The fact that your son already thought youd be judgemental about his choice speaks volumes about the type of parent you were and continue to be.

My mum didn't speak to me for 2 years when I met my husband and told me the rest of my family didn't want anything to do with me. It was a very painful place to be.

I would guess that you talk negatively about your son and dil to the rest of the family too.

Learn your place.

Imagine the stress your DIL must've been under when they had to move to the UK, the worry about her home country and family. Moving her young family to a new country and city, having to make new friends, get used to our weird British ways. Then on top of all that she has a MIL who made it clear she doesn't approve of her from the outset. Choosing not to spend time with you was probably a very sensible choice on her part to reduce her stress, given that so many other things have been out of her control.

If you want a relationship, you are going to have to keep your opinions to yourself. They might be perfectly justified opinions, but it doesn’t really matter. Your son is an adult and gets to make bad decisions.

.

if it is only an hour away though, visits don’t need to be such a big deal. Do the children have activities? Do they play football or do gymnastics? Ask if you can attend a game or come watch a practice from the parent’s gallery. Yes, an hour of travel to come stand on the sidelines at a child’s football match. Tell the kids you love them and then go home. Repeat. After that is successful, maybe one day you can meet up at a park which will allow more interaction . Let your son slot you into his busy weekends with the children.

Show that contact can be pleasant and easy.

Op, if you want to see your son and GC you should get ready to apologise ( sincerely) to your DS and DIL .

People don't just cut off their family and distance themselves for no reason... there's definitely some info missing here.

This is what I think

Are you an open minded family.
He's clearly embarrassed of you and your family.

It's not your choice to make, you're not their parents. You can either take a step back, keep your opinions and judgement to yourself and try to build a relationship or you can continue with this and probably drive them completely away.

You are blaming the wife for everything. Your son doesn’t want to see you because of your behaviour. It is not down to his wife. If you were nice people and pleasant to be around they would want to see you. Stop the expensive gifts. Offer a profuse apology to your son and DIL. Be kind and friendly. Stop judging them. If you want RESPECT show it to other people.

The son is probably the family scapegoat .

So, by your own admittance, you are judgemental, opinionated, critical of their choices and ignore their wishes by just turning up at their house unannounced.

I can absolutely see why they avoid you. Thank goodness they have the sense to keep you at arms length.

This will only be fixed by you understanding the impact your actions have on them, sincerely apologising and changing your attitude towards them ( and keep your insufferable opinions to yourself).

So the DIL will travel 24 hours and do a difficult journey to visit her family with the children, but your son won't even travel an hour to bring the kids to see you.

I can see why you're upset at the disparity. It could mean one of two things imo - your son doesn't value family and so won't put the effort in, or your opinions have annoyed him so much that he's staying away.

OP you won't admit to this.
I think maybe you held or hold views about foreigners that your son knows about and shared with his wife.
You think she's a gold digger don't you?
Because she's from what you perceive as a poor part of Europe, accented English. Ten years younger so married an older man for security?