Excluded from grandchildren's life

How do you know what her type was? She was in her twenties and so was your son.
There are lots of couples with 9 years as an age gap. It's not like your son was in his late 30s. And why does her being very attractive come as a worry? Can only unattractive women fall in love with men a bit older than them?

The misogyny is dripping from your comments, not to mention the racism. You made a huge mistake and while you apologised, you didn't really believe you'd said anything wrong, and you still don't - that's clear.

And that's why they want nothing to do with you.

You are the problem OP,you sound judgemental,selfish and entitled.

clearly the OP had not done anything to the DIL previously

@Greenfinch7 apart from badmouth her to all and sundry you mean?

Let me guess, the presents you’ve got for the children are ones that you’ve picked out. Did you ask your son what the children wanted/needed for their birthdays? Does he know what you’ve got?

You said you’ve spent £££ on birthday gifts, are they large by any chance?

Why didn’t you send them?

I'm afraid the gold digger accusation is not really something you get to apologise for and move on from. I think you need to make peace with not seeing your grandchildren and just be grateful for whatever time you are afforded with them.

It's not fair to question, you've stuck your nose in at every single angle.

People re very harsh to the OP. It is extremely hurtful not to be invited to a wedding, and clearly the OP had not done anything to the DIL previously as they had never met. It sounds like your son married a controlling woman and is completely under her thumb.

Any compassion for this poor young mum? Your grandchildren are literally half-Ukrainian, OP. The war affects them directly. They have grandparents over there too! They are enormously lucky to be alive, your DIL will be struggling enormously with constant news reports and 2.5 years of wondering if her family are OK, and all she's got is contempt from her in-laws whose racism is showing.

So in several years of not really knowing her or being involved in the children's lives, you've already called her a gold-digger and implied she's a bad parent putting her children's safety at risk for visiting her family in Ukraine. It's not up to you to decide what's "fair" to children you don't even know!

If you manage to be THIS judgemental and interfering when they keep you at a distance, I dread to think how unbearable you'd be if they relaxed the boundaries.

Obviously if a very attractive much younger woman is showing an interest in someone who would generally not be seen as their type or who is clearly much better off financially it is fair to question

Absolutely zero doubt in anyone’s mind apart from yours why your son can’t be arsed with this poison.

OP, is it not clear to you that you are the cause of this issue?

… and there it is. I’d bet that this is exactly why you do not have the relationship with your DGC that you would like.

It also seems like you have a real lack of awareness as to the consequence of your behaviour. I can’t imagine that this is helping the situation.

What do you mean....age and background please? Is she from a poor family?

The fact you are still ignoring the absolute hand grenade you threw out about calling his wife a foreign gold digger speaks volumes.

I can more than hazard a guess as to why your son and his wife are avoiding you.

Sorry I was being flippant in searching for reasons why a father wouldn’t stop his young children being taken into an active war zone. I’m sure they are. But most people wouldn’t fathom allowing this for their kids, unless circumstances demanded it.

Maybe he doesn’t think it’s safe but can’t stop the children going?

Or maybe he thinks it is safe? Or he doesn’t care? Or they’re not his kids?

Either way you can’t ask him given precarious state of your relationship, and you have to stay out of it, and never mention it, if you want to know the grandchildren in future. And just pray nothing bad happens to them while visiting Ukraine.

I dont think the concerns at it being Ukraine are unreasonable, many sought refuge here so yes it is a dangerous place. As for the rest, it's hard to say when we don't know the complete story. Not allowing a relationship with GC over disagreements about adult choices is deemed petty on other posts. Unfortunately not much you can do OP, if they won't let you, they won't let you.

To be honest oP I am sorry for your situation, but there has to be a backstory.

People just don’t simply decide not to involve family members on a whim.

I’m not saying the reason is necessarily your fault, but your post is just a slice of information, namely your feelings about the situation as it stands. No one can really offer much feedback of value on that basis, except sorry it has come to this.

I think you need to step back here and admit some of what you’ve done isn’t right and may unfortunately have damaged your relationship forever.

You have said that you questioned their relationship to begin with and although you did apologise words one said can never be forgotten. You also say that when you turn up uninvited to their home they don’t want to see you. I don’t see why you would turn up uninvited when you know what the situation is like. This is probably just causing more stress to this relationship. You also see that he doesn’t have much contact with his brothers and they also invited to the wedding. Was there issues with the family dynamic before he met his wife?

his wife clearly feels you don’t like her and given some of the background you’ve given I can understand her not wanting to be involved with you and your family at the moment. It’s a difficult situation, but I don’t think you can solely blame them for this which is what your post comes across as you are doing.

1. Only Send the gc a card on their birthdays. Reserve gifts (including money) for only when you see them. You need to be firm about this as this is exactly what her family in the Ukraine would do.
2. Don’t ask to see the gc any more. You have other gc who see you more and are busy with them. Let them come to you.

Op, the comments here are harsh. (My family is quite quick to offer opinions even though we are fairly quiet so I get it to a degree.) However, they aren't going to take your opinions on board so you must stop giving them if you want things to improve.

I can see why you are hurt thought, no invite before the bride has even met you, and then saying it's too tiring for the kids to have a mere visit, when they aren't too tired to go to Ukraine. It's obviously disingenuous on their part.

What is it you would like OP? Do you have an interesting life with lots of hobbies, volunteering or work?