Excluded from grandchildren's life

It sounds like you’ve been absolutely vile to your daughter in law, it’s no wonder she won’t see you and it sounds like your son isn’t really bothered either, understandably. You have absolutely zero rights to see your grandchildren, your opinions about their parenting choices mean nothing as you are not their parent. I would actively be trying to prevent you seeing them if I was your DIL as you sound toxic.

It sounds as if your DIL really wants to be back in Ukraine with her wider family. Daughters, especially, can miss their mothers when they have young children themselves, and in countries such as Ukraine - family is very important. I imagine her mother also wants to see her grandchildren - especially if they are her first.

You might just have to accept that you will not get to know these two of your grandchildren in the intimate way that you know your others.

I usually support OPs on here as they're often judged without facts but in this situation, it cannot be clearer how horrible this OP is to her son's family.

I am sorry but I refuse to believe you are not similar to OP in terms of personality. I don't think anyone could defend her unless they held the exact same views. She's a vile person.

Your son has told you the issue, Op.

I don’t think we even need to get into rights and wrongs of who said what, whether they were right or wrong to say it etc.

The bottom line is that parents have responsibilities and rights relating to their own children. For grandparents, grandchildren are a blessing, lovely to have but you exist in their lives by grace not enforcement. It therefore pays not to alienate their parents. Awkward perhaps, but true.

Ditto. And ditto.

people may have been harsh to the Op, but there is still nothing in her posts suggesting her DIL is making all the decisions whatsoever

They might have had their concerns privately, but that should be kept to themselves. No one can control with who, when and how they fall in love, so why would a parent expect to.

If I was half as judgemental and disapproving about either of my daughters-in-law as you are about yours, my sons wouldn’t have bothered about gently withdrawing, they’ve have told me to fuck off, frankly.

I have a MIL and am a MIL myself, and have seen that there is another side to these things. People are harsh and judgemental to the OP- that's my opinion.

You are the one with everything to loose here. Even if you don’t understand how you have presented in the past you need to make changes for your own sake. To stand any chance of a positive future relationship with any of them you need to apologise unequivocally for your past comments and opinions. Going forward you need to keep your opinions to yourself no matter how difficult that is.

Well, he was right about the judgmental part. I think he knows you well enough to stay away tbh. But the good thing is you can change all this. But it has to start with you RESPECTING your son and his life choices, your DIL and the choices she makes about her children. You can think whatever you want But they are adults and the only thing you manage to do by voicing your opinions is driving them away. And for the gifts; why didn't you send them on their birthday? Or wad it a bribe to come and see you? I love my MIL, we don't agree on everything But she respects that I'm the mother of her grandchildren and I get to decide what's best for them. On the other hand I have always told her that when you have your GC you're the boss because I trust you. She still calls me to ask if it's OK for GC to have this etc. It's about respect and boundaries. If you are willing to see your shortcomings and work on them you might be able to have a good relationship with your son and his family one day.

I'm 20 years younger than my husband - and certainly my parents had concerns over his motives; and I'm pretty sure that his did too about me - though privately.

YABU for turning up uninvited at the weekend

There is nothing in the OP’s posts suggesting that this is anything to do with her DIL.

it sounds like the OP’s son is protecting his wife and children from his mother and her judgements and criticisms.

which is exactly what either of the couple would be told to do on here if they posted that his mother turns up uninvited, criticises the DIL repeatedly and even assumed she was a golddigger before she even met her.

So you blame her for not 'respecting family' - I think you mean 'not ignoring the pretty awful things we've said about you without bothering to get to know you'...

And not your son, who is the person who moved a LONG way away, and got married without inviting you, doesn't bring the GC to see you, cancels visits etc etc..

You turn up uninvited, and press to be invited to stay in a property that is clearly too small for the family living in it, let alone guests..

You've suggested she is a gold-digger and that she puts her children at risk, and wonder why she doesn't like you?

Yeah, I'd avoid you like the plague too. Your 'concerns' are rude, based in ignorance and prejudice, and need to be kept to yourself.

Just, if you can and I suspect you actually can't - imagine how YOU would feel if YOUR MIL decided a bunch of things about you, based in tiny scraps of information and a ton of prejudice, and then gave you a hollow half arsed apology based in 'bugger, we have got to apologise or we'll never see the grand kids' not genuine regret for your actions/thoughts/nasty mind...

You'd hate that. You know you would.

A lot of adult children do rely on grandparents for childcare. My husband and I take and pick up our granddaughter from school every day, and when she was a younger child she stayed with us a lot - as my daughter is a single parent and has a job which means she cannot do the above herself.

Would you include people in your village who called you a gold digger and accused you of neglect?

My friend from Belarus had two kids already by 24. Totally normal respectable woman, also was a doctor.

OP expressed concerns that the woman may not have honest intentions regarding the relationship due to her age and background (eastern European). And her financial status.

Maybe some Eastern Europeans can enlighten us - don't people tend to get married on average in their twenties anyway? Not like the West where some wait until their 40's. It's not the same as a British 20 year old getting married.

Oh dear OP. You just dont get it do you. You may not have said the words "She is a foreign gold digger" but you havent even denied on here that thats what you implied to your son. You said think apolosing makes that go away, it wont and your son will never forget.

Op as you can see in the modern world grandparents exist only to provide cash and childcare. Although it used to be said that it takes a village to raise a child now it's the parents sole right to make as big a mess as they please. Unless it gets to the stage where they are actually violent when you are expected to step in and contact social services.

You can only back right off and wait to see what happens. If the children get killed in Ukraine they still wont accept you were right to have been concerned, it would probably make things worse.

You have other children and grandchildren, in your place I'd focus on them.

Some of the responses here do seem harsh, but it does come across that you had issues with his girlfriend from the start? What might these have been - given that you say you hadn't met her before the wedding?

If we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy

🤣🤣🤣

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"
For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"

It sounds like you are disgruntled with your Son and Daughter in Law not treating you like an Authority.