Excluded from grandchildren's life

I'm not sure why people would share their problems with others on here. People are totally unsympathetic. It is just a big pile on - with people seeming to revel in the chance to say hurtful things to others.

The other week there was a post about being summoned to dinner by a MIL so she could air her grievances about how the OP and her family treated MIL. I think it was that story but not certain.

Somebody posted a link to a site about how narcissistic parents never tell the whole story, leaving out the bits that make themselves sound bad, when they complain about their terrible treatment from DS/DD/DIL/SIL/GC in online forums etc.

A very informative site and, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was called and failed to save a link.

This thread's OP really reminds me of the examples on that site. Leaving stuff out to support her side of things.

I've googled to see if I can find it but no luck. It's buried in the thousands of results you find if you search "narcissist parents". Does anyone know what I mean? OP could do with reading it, even though I doubt she would allow herself to see the parallels with her own behaviour in it, so it would probably be futile. But you never know, maybe?

Maybe I'm wrong but I'm copping a strong whiff of narcissism, scapegoating and prejudice. The son moved away a long while before he met his wife. There's more here than OP is letting on. A big untold backstory is my guess.

Sadly, it is very clear why this is the situation. It is not your place to comment on his choice of a wife and it is definitely not your place to comment on their parenting decisions. By all means you can have these views, but you do not get to express them to him/them and have everything be alright after. They do not like your opinions and do not want them in their lives. Hence they are keeping you at arm's length. Your DIL owes you nothing - it is your son who is responsible for any relationship between you and his children. He has chosen to go low contact.

If you want that to change, you first need to take accountability for your behaviour and stop being negative about his wife, the mother of your grandchildren. Be someone who deserves those grandchildren.

You're blaming your DIL when the one who doesn't make the effort to see you is surely your son.

On reading your posts your disapproval of your DIL is clear. If my MIL had been as judgemental as you have been I would have avoided her too.

We don't have a right to family relationships. They're a privilege. You're going to have to earn yours if you want a better relationship with the four of them.

Your blaming HER for the issues in the relationship. You are a stranger to her. Your son doesn't bring his kids to visit you. He chooses not to. Maybe that's because you can't mind your business or respect boundaries.

Haven’t read the whole thread, OP, although have read all your updates. It seems to me that PPs are very quick to blame you, but the fact you see a lot of your other DCs and other DGCs, combined with the fact that your other DCs don’t see much of your DS either (and weren’t invited to the wedding) suggests it’s not necessarily your fault — although I suspect the gold digger comment didn’t help matters… The only thing I think you can do is be as pleasant as you can and, where possible, offer alternatives — I mean, if it’s only an hour away and the DGCs are too tired to travel, can you go to them? There’s no need to stay the night if it’s just an hour, presumably, so the fact it’s a small place shouldn’t matter. It does sound as though neither your son or his wife are particularly keen on having a close relationship though, so there may well always be a reason why whatever you suggest won’t work — in which case, sadly, I’m not sure there’s much you can do…

Always easier to blame the dil than take a deeper look at your own adult child and your relationship with them.

Straight out the Terrible mil 101 book 😅

I really don’t see what the DIL has done wrong here. The son is clearly low contact with his entire family and always has been, I bet my left knee OP knows what this is about but prefers to blame the foreigner.

Sounds like he's got the measure of you.

She warned her son off marrying her by saying her DIL was a foreign gold-digger. So clearly the OP has done something to the DIL previously.

More likely she wants to keep her, and her children’s, connection to their homeland, language and traditions (OP mentioned Easter) strong. Ukraine is their home, they’re only in the UK because they’ve been displaced by war.

Ukrainians are familiar with emigration and the practical implications of that. Some parents may cut off children for not visiting on the schedule they’d like, but then so do some British parents.

"If we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy"

Don't do this.

They're worth more than the racist, judgemental OP IMO.

As someone else has said, read what you have wrote, no wonder they stay away.

Where the kids go is their business (parents) not yours.

When you see the kids is up to them.

Seems you don't like the wife. If you can change that and show respect for how she brings up her own children perhaps the relationship will improve for you? As you said the place they stay is small (2 bed 2 children), so you can't then complain about them saying you can't stay cause it's too small.

It must be really frustrating to have these feelings and from reading it its genuine hurt, but unfortunately, in my opinion, you are being unreasonable.

If I had it my way I would be married in private with no one there. Marriage is about the two people and if thats what they did then tough tittie. Yes every mum wants to see their child married but its down to what they want to do. Let go of that now - its done. Maybe just ask to see some photos to feel more a part of that moment and then still let go.

Never fails to amaze me how oblivious people are to their own ways.

your own son chose to invite colleagues to his wedding over his family. You aren’t the tight knit family you think you are OP. He’s got his own now and he’s happily trying to keep you at arms length and really I can see why. You sound like a nasty piece of work.

In the Ukraine the culture is much more transactional and practical than the UK. They won’t receive any support from her parents without frequent in person visits - I know of Ukraine mums whose mums cut them off for not visiting every holiday. OP needs to operate a similar mentality / strategy. Ultimately her DS is the one who needs to faciliate visits - if he can’t be bothered then OP should just enjoy her other gp.

This is so sad….instead of mentally preparing yourself, couldn’t you have tried to speak to him about it?

There is no point in living in this state of angst. Forget about them, they are not worth it .

Sorry OP its not a nice situation you find yourself in but your son is backing his wife, who he must feel has been wronged and he must feel he can agree with the treatment of the pair of them. My advice is to leave it alone. Say and do nothing more, however unfairly you feel you have been treated . Time will resolve this as it usually does with most things. I would comfort yourself in knowing your son is happy with his lot and thats all we can ask as parents, that our kids are safe and happy, they owe us nothing. Sit back do nothing is my advice,however painful and let time heal things on all sides.

Unfortunately, whilst your intentions may have come from a good place, you have overstepped in so many instances that I am not surprised they keep you at a distance. Your children are now adults and free to make choices which you disagree with. You need to button your lip and keep your misgivings to yourself.

OP, the more you post the worse you come across. No wonder they want little to nothing to do with you. You're lucky to be in touch with them at all. In their shoes I'd be keeping my children far away from your toxic and entitled attitude.

Good grief, you act like these are you children instead of your grandchildren. Take a chill pill and realize what your actual position is in their lives. Have some respect before expecting respect in return. At this moment you deserve none.

Yabu you don’t like his wife. You made that perfectly clear and in fact he knew you wouldn’t like her before you even knew about her which is why you had no clue about the wedding.

The issue here is you. Your son keeps you at arms length due to your opinions.

Yet you’ve decided that the son, a grown ass man with agency, is being controlled by his wife, as if he’s incapable of keeping his own mother at arms length by his own choice.

Why? Do you figure that someone has to be telling him what to do, and if it isn’t his mother then it must be his wife?

Why is his wife more obliged to make more of an effort with his mother than he is?

So do you, to be honest.