Excluded from grandchildren's life

YABU to point that out.

The DIL isn’t from a ‘smooth things over, smile and keep the peace while inwardly hating every moment of it’ culture. She doesn’t like OP so she’s not dealing with her. That’s it.

Nothing OP has said suggests she’s stopping her husband from visiting his mother, or that the distance he’s choosing to keep (which it seems he was keeping years before he even met his wife, and when he chose not to invite his family to their wedding) is anything other than his choice.

The thing you need to focus on here OP is not who is right or wrong, who offended who or what you wish had happened years ago, but what you want to happen now. If your desired outcome is to have more time with your grandchildren you absolutely have to not express your views about their parenting, unless asked. It is a shame plans were cancelled but make the most of half term, make sure that when your son, DIL and DGC are in your company they leave having had a lovely time. This means avoid tense subjects, help out by doing things that make the parents’ life easier, find activities everyone will actually enjoy based on their interests and not one you think would be ‘nice’ due to some preconceived idea of how you want the day to go/look. If you do this: be flexible, positive, make times with you lovely and enjoyable, they’ll want to spend more time with you. If you dig your heels in over wanting them to be different you will just find yourself held at further distance. It’s up to you.

You might be better posting here:

https://www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1335636-Support-and-friendship-For-Those-Estranged

You don’t need to “explicitly” call her anything. They know what you think of her and you’ve made a rod for your own back

and don’t even start me on “if we show up uninvited on the weekend,”

I mean Jesus fucking Christ no wonder they want nothing to do with you.

Unfortunately that is not your business, GrandmDEA.

I understand your concern but Ukrainians currently staying in the UK go back to visit all the time, despite the war, with or without children, and return unscathed. For all you know her family may live in an area that is not attacked so relatively safe.

Whatever, there's nothing you can do about it and voicing too many misgivings to people who have no doubt already discussed it thoroughly is pointless.

It is sad that you were not invited to their wedding but did they have a quick, quiet and small wedding and not invite anyone much? Some couples prefer that. Her family may have been there but they were on the spot whereas you would have faced a day's travel at least.

Did you get on well with your son before he moved abroad? That too is relevant.

Don't worry about them paying out a lot for their little house, lots of people do that and it's not forever. At least, while renting, they don't have to worry about maintenance of the house and they can up and leave fairly easily when they want to.

From now on just be there, be nice, don't try to interfere. Post things for birthdays, Christmas, etc. Relations may improve with time and when the children get a bit older they will almost certainly want to see you.

Concentrate on your oher children who are presumably nearer and, I hope, with whom you have good relations.

I do sympathise with how you feel, family relationships can be difficult to navigate at times and do cause disappointment.

@GrandmDEA

I'm not a young mum, I'm probably around your age with 2 adult sons. So don't disregard what I say as "Oh, I bet she doesn't like her MiL either, so she's prejudiced".

I think what you don't understand is that you not only burned the bridge, you set fire to it with a flame thrower. You've insulted his wife (and by extension him), you've denigrated their parenting decisions, and have further stirred the pot by showing up unannounced at their home. You seem to think you have the right to say and do whatever you want under the guise of 'truth telling' or 'helpful advice' as long as you apologize for it later to if there are any 'negative consequences' from them. It doesn't work that way.

I understand your concern about Ukraine, but it is their decision. After a small, quiet "Are you sure that's wise?" you should have said nothing more. Your son's approval or disapproval of his wife taking the DC there is none of your business unless he directly asks you to intervene.

Your son's first loyalty is to his wife, not to you. Not anymore. So you need to learn to take a back seat and basically STFU. It's not easy, I know, but it's the only way to keep the peace. Remember 'A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. The two shall become one'. Even if you aren't a 'believer', the words are still wise.

Whether or not your son made a wise choice in a wife, time will tell. But the success or failure of your son's marriage is up to him (and her). Stay out of it if you want to have any sort of relationship with him and his family going forward, if it's not too late already. As far as trying to repair things I'd suggest an acknowledgment of your past bad behaviour, an abject apology, a promise to do better in the future, and asking (not demanding) another chance. Whether that changes their minds about you or not, I have no idea. But if you continue on as you have been, I can guarantee that they'll go NC at some point and the door will be completely shut.

If you've read all the OP's posts, it is clear that it is her fault. She questioned her son's motives for marrying her DIL, due to her age, background and nationality, on the assumption that her DIL was a gold digger. This would be very difficult for anyone to get past and build a functional relationship with their MIL.

I'm sorry but I think your DIL has basically deleted you because she thinks you're a pain, and because she can. Mothers are held responsible for literally everything and are constantly criticised, but the flip side of that is that they get to, and have to, call the shots with the kids. She is the children's mother. They're her kids, not yours.

If you want to know your grandkids, you need to start behaving respectfully to your DIL.

That’s about the size of it.

I don’t think telling op she is vile etc is necessary.

The simple truth is if you want to be in your grandchildren’s lives, you can’t do it on your terms. It’s like expecting to be invited to supper at someone else’s house on your own terms.

No it doesn't. But I would not like to be a British man married to a Ukrainian who just goes to visit. There would still be social pressure to stay and fight and a certain amount of resentment about it I would wager at this stage.

AIBU is not a representative place to ask; most are just after aggro and anti OP slagging matches.

Of course YANBU to be upset they have cancelled last minute for a shitty reason.

I would wait til your son next visits alone and talk with him. Let him know that you love them all and are sad that the relationship is minimal. That you're concerned you've done something wrong as the reasons they give to not come are strange. That it's ok if they don't want to see you, but you deserve to hear this from them, not have last minute cancellations and a distinct lack of effort. It's hurtful.

See what he says. It's possible that you may lose this relationship, which is very sad, but thats not your fault and not a lot you can do.

"He has been with them just around Christmas time both years but his wife has taken them during summer and for easter and he hasn't gone with them. I'm not sure why."
The obvious answer, surely, is because he doesn't have the annual leave to do so? And he trusts his wife to cope on the journey?

"It wasn't a small wedding, all her family and friends, many of his colleagues and several of his friends from the UK travelled to go. His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them."
And right there is a big pointer, and I'm not talking about "judgemental". He didn't invite either of his brothers either. He didn't invite any of his family, although he did invite his friends. This suggests your son does not feel close to his family - any of you. There's going to be a reason for that, and you're going to have to consider what that reason is. I think lots of can see, just by reading your own words, what that reason might be, although you do seem oblivious to it.

He told you straight - that you "might be judgemental of his choice"* *. And you are! And he was able to anticipate that you would be judgemental. Have you been judgemental of his choices in the past? Answer that question honestly (to yourself at least, if not here). What was your family dynamic before he went abroad? Was he the Favourite Son, or the Criticised Son, or the Disappointing Son, or - what? Were you in the habit of comparing your sons, and finding him wanting when you did so? How did he feel about his place within the family before he went?

"We see both of our other sons most days, we provide childcare for our other grandchildren and have them all for dinner on Wednesdays. They don't see much of their brother either."
Frankly, that statement suggests several possibilities. But given your son has chosen to largely absent himself from his parents AND his brothers, it's more likely that you are all rather unhealthily enmeshed than that you are a big happy Waltons-like extended family. Do your other two sons/wives/DCs all come on Wednesday to ensure the continuance of free childcare, or because this is how they want to spend their lives? Who suggested this Weekly Gathering?

I think you need to take a step back and look at how your family functions, and - more importantly - how it functioned before he went abroad to work.

As an aside, and this is about me and not you, I would be a bit judgemental about your son's relationship. But that's because I would be looking askance at a 31-year-old man who marries a 21-year-old woman, not the other way around. It bespeaks a desire to be the more powerful in an asymmetric relationship, and that's never going to be good for the younger woman. And again, I'd be wondering where that desire to be powerful came from, possibly from feeling powerless in his youth. Any ideas how he might feel that way?

I can understand why you feel upset OP but these are some words of advice from a paternal grandma; 'Put up and shut up' and keep your opinions to yourself.
Otherwise, it's not going to work

It sounds like your son decided to distance himself from his family even before he met his wife. I doubt much of the distance now has anything to do with his wife, she's simply supporting him. You need to take an honest look at your relationship, have you favoured his siblings? The choice is yours whether you work to rebuild the relationship (keeping your opinions to yourself) and allow him to live his own life.

Clearly you would have stopped having sex and of let yourself go. So it’s no wonder he would of strayed with some young thing yoga pants wearing little thang 🤣

also ignoring his needs for the children tut tut

You have "never met her" and also "haven't seen her since Christmas"? Which?

To be fair, the first post says "We had never met her, meaning at the time they got married". (Unless I've missed another "We have never met her".)

What an absolute mystery why she doesn't like you.

What is it with mothers apparently raising sons who are so easily manipulated by a woman? My (usually lovely) MIL is very like this - anything DH or his DB does that she doesn't like must be entirely down to the woman in his life. DH and I joke that DH could run off with a woman half his age and somehow it would be entirely my fault. I have a DS and I really hope that I don't do this.

Then theres the pressure of why isn't he fighting for Ukraine...

I assume DS is British. Marrying a Ukrainian woman doesn't bring citizenship or any obligations towards the Ukrainian state.

You have "never met her" and also "haven't seen her since Christmas"? Which?

I'd love to hear your DS and "D"DIL's take on this.

That they are another man’s kids?
That’s the only reason why “They are not his kids”

It’s strange that he’s not travelling with them- You’d think he would.

Does he see you, @GrandmDEA when his wife is away?

If so, that is very telling.

Obviously if a very attractive much younger woman is showing an interest in someone who would generally not be seen as their type or who is clearly much better off financially it is fair to question.

No it isn't fair to question, it's none of your business plus how the hell could you possibly have known what 'her type' was?

You criticise her age, her background, her nationality, her motives and imply that she is a shit mum. You don’t send your dgc a card or gift on their birthdays. You turn up unannounced at a the home that you have also criticised. You criticise her relationship with her parents and her need to stay connected with them. You, honestly, don’t get to imply someone is a gold digger with dubious motives for marriage and then get invited to the wedding. That’s not a thing that happens. You don’t get to criticise someone’s wife and get invited to their home. You don’t get to criticise someone’s parenting, and have nice visits with their children. You are blaming your dil massively for your own son’s desire to not see you because of your behaviour. People don’t like spending time with people who openly dislike them. Some people do it anyway out of a sense of duty or obligation but loads of people are so far past that that it’s not a thing for them anymore. If anyone talked about my dh the way you talk about your DIL they wouldn’t be coming to my home.

If you want to build a new relationship with your ds then you need to strip all this crap away and build it yourself from the ground up. You can’t stand there tutting with your arms folded across your bosom waiting for some woman in her 20s dealing with 2 tiny kids, the fallout of war, work, her own relationships with people she actually likes etc to suddenly do the work for you. It’s not her job. Plus you called her a gold digger.

I understand your frustration and emotions but it’s definitely not your daughter-in-law fault. The main relation here to improve is between you and your son.

I myself moved to the UK couple of years ago and we got married here (my husband is British). Because of this my parents, unfortunately, could not attend the wedding. I didn’t even invite them. But they never hold it against me. It was too much hassle to sort visa and make them travel during those COVID days.

And yes, she, your daughter-in-law, has to travel to her home country to see her parents. I do the same and I will take little ones with me, because my parents deserve to see their grandchildren. It just shows she is a good daughter and has good relationship with her parents.

Sad that you don’t have better relationship with your son. I don’t know the story but often times parents do something and then wonder why their child doesn’t want to see them. But good news is that it’s not too late. You can and you should make up with your son and stop talking bad about his wife, because you really don’t know her.

Please sort yourself first. If you blame others, nothing will change. Therapy or even just analyzing your behavior might help.
Good luck, OP! Family is worth fighting for in my opinion and we should forgive and be able to put things behind for the sake of it.