Excluded from grandchildren's life

You need to sit down, shut up and stay in your own lane.

It can be hard to be a new immigrant to a country, even if the immigrant thinks they know the new place.

I was 40 when I moved from Vancouver (where I was born and raised and grew up watching the likes of Coronation Street, Goodies, Fawlty Towers, AbFab, Are You Being Served, Smack the Pony, etc on telly... hell, I even remember Button sodding Moon on t.v. back in the 70s) to London to marry my DH and I found parts of my new life to be confusing, in spite of how much I thought I 'knew' my new home town.

12 years on and there are still the odd times when I'm befuddled by life in the UK.

I can only imagine how your DiL fared when she first arrived, what with all of the 'sees' that she's seen in her young life and the language barrier... if a de facto British person (as a Commonwealth citizen, I had most of the same basic rights as my England born husband, except the right to a passport, when I first arrived... that took 4 years and a small fortune in visa/naturalisation fees to achieve) like me can be confused and overwhelmed then imagine being expected to cope with a new family in a foreign place and in a language you might not speak/understand very well.

As for the grandchildren, just be glad you're able to see them as often as you do. My own MiL sees my DD (8) 2-3 times per year (she lives in the North) while my own parents see her every few years, as it's not exactly easy (or economically viable) to be jetting off 9+ hours to the west coast of Canada each and every school holiday.

As much (or, as you'd probably judge - as little ) as my parents and my in-laws see my daughter, they're most certainly not excluded from her life. Husband and I send 'the grandparents' regular updates and photographs and video of what she's up to (she was camping with her cub scout troop recently, so we sent photos from that... we send copies of her report card from school [I'm ethnically Japanese, so it's an unspoken expectation from my parents that they get a copy of her academic progess] etc etc) and we chat with each other via FaceTime and WhatsApp.

You're going about things the wrong way, OP... it's good that you're worried about your DiL taking the kids to the Ukraine... I'd be worried too, but you've got to lose this attitude of self entitlement and 'Mum knows best' because it's not a good look... if you could be a little more welcoming and dial back the judmental aspect of how you see your DiL, you might find that your son and her are a little more amenable to visiting.

Just something to think about.

The problem you seem to have is you appear to think your opinions/concerns/your relationship is paramount to others. Yes they are your grandchildren and they are important to you but ultimately they are not your children. Doesn’t seem you welcomed her into your family first and reserved judgement till you got to know her, you made assumptions and voiced these. That was not your place. Yes he is your son but he is an adult, who made his own choices. I don’t think anyone would have been good enough for your son. I would be proud of your son if I were you, clearly they both choose to keep distance from such a toxic person and your son loves his wife and doesn’t want his children and wife being around such toxic. End of the day you are the grandparent but they are their children.

You come across as very self entitled with her going to visit her family and a bit of resentment how many times she takes her children to visit them. Yes be worried but it is not your place to tell them they should not be going. There children there choice. Seems like you don’t trust them and their judgement as parents and also trust in your son to choose who he falls in love with.

and actually his comment to his brother was spot on, because you start by wrongly judging

I don’t work on the cases but I see the cases and outcomes. There is a high level of in the child’s best interests when your talking about forcing a legal parent to hand their child
over to someone who isn’t also a legal parent or legal guardian.

Do you work in the area?

Just to clarify.

I’ve not seen much in new orders coming up. Unless extreme cases as I said before such as grandparent raised / lived with child for years then parent tried to cut off, their child dies and the other parent cuts contact, a grandparent who’s had weekly contact such as childcare very regularly overnights etc suddenly being cut off normally again because of a new partner then the grandparents get access.

But a married couple still together joint child, grandparent sees child a handful of times a year since birth. Never been granted visitation in a court of law.

Yes it's the child's right.

But it is the grandparents who would have brought the case to court.

I've heard about a few grandparents getting access recently. The courts must be taking ir more seriously.

Would mean there was a strong existing relationship between the child and grandparents that a court has deemed would be detrimental to the child not to continue. also the child will be spoken too and again may have added to the case of wanting a relationship.

The child’s right not the grandparents.

Whatever it is, it is none of your concern - that is a parental decision, not your decision.

But a poster on here said that her child has been ordered by a court to see his grandparents twice a month?

Nope. You have to apply to even get permission to apply.

Then it’s for cases where you’ve basically raised the child for years and then the parents taken them off or for say your child’s died and the remaining parent refused contact but again you’d have to of been more than a once a month grandparent.

I don’t think grandparents really have any access rights in the UK.

Grandparents can apply to court to get access to grandchildren
and completely destroy any hope of a future relationship with their parents. This is madness.

That poor young woman. Her country is ravaged by war and she has left her entire family and culture behind to bring her children to safety. She gets here trying to settle her children and establish her family home in a new country all the time worried about her family and guilty she left them behind. She must be exhausted and terrified about what comes next. And then here you are, complaining about such trivial things I doubt she even has space to register them let alone address them.

If you want to see more of your DGC you are going to have to be proactive and problem solve - negotiate a date, rent an airbnb nearby so there’s no hosting required and build that relationship up slowly - you are going to have to build trust with her and the children and that takes time. And please stop voicing your concerns about visiting her family. As their mother trust she has their best interests at heart even if you don’t agree with her choices

I would feel terrible but I wouldn't have made those judgemental and xenophobic comments about my future DIL in the first place.

Maybe some things are too hard to forgive.

Pretty certain she already knows... its the bit where they suggested his wife was a golddigger and a shit mother.

@GrandmDEA Could you expand on your phrase "She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.".

In what ways does she not respect your family?
What do you actively do to try and keep the peace?

Surprised how harsh everyone’s being 😮 . Find some time with your son, just him if he’s willing and ask him honestly what’s at the bottom of this avoidance and what could be done to build towards togetherness? Good luck

I think she said 24 hours London to Kyiv, incorporating train ride - not 12 hours from Kyiv going on to somewhere else after arriving in Kyiv. Love your username btw, exactly how I feel.

No contact is zero contact ie emails aren't answered at all, calls are totally ignored, permanently. If not that, it is low contact.

I am guessing you have never had to go low/no contact with a family member. It is usually extremely, extremely stressful and only done when necessary for mental well being of the child/ren.

Yep! It's 24 hours door to door.

But it's not at all stressful - OP was acting like the DIL was forcing her kids to backpack fifty miles in the desert and then they were being bombed from the Polish border to the town they're going to... It's really very straightforward as so many people are doing it - including on a monthly or, in some cases, biweekly, basis.

I think OP said their destination was a 12 hour overnight train trip from Kyiv, hence 24 hours door to door.

Perhaps OP was referencing when the children couldn't visit them an hour away because they're too tired after nursery.

You will be surprised my DS has court ordered grandparent contact twice a month !!!

I came to this thread via the other one this morning, as several posters had mentioned it. Definitely the same poster and looking at the information OP has given across the two threads it seems she finds fault with everything they do - now it’s the childrens’ diet and the pace of their activities in question. I don’t think OP needs to look far to understand why they are very low contact with her.

Just read this thread this morning and then read a very similar one (different user name) kids ages other details all the same. If it is the same OP then in that tread you are very critical of their diet how the wife disciplines the DC and their hobbies it’s no wonder you don’t see them much.
Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?
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