To feel slightly suspicious of dp

but if he was in the house, surely they would send him out? or you'd text him to say "i am at your parents front door, they won't let me in, can you come out, i have lost my key/whatever"

then he'd come out and you'd know he was there. or not.

I think it may be useful if your friend was already parked in his parent's street by a certain time, and was willing and able to stay there until he does arrive.
This could gain two answers - what time he arrives in the street and where he goes after parking.

But, due to his unexpected arrival for lunch at home last Sat, he may have seen your friend's new car ? i.e. do you have a driveway that it was parked in or did he come out the home when she was leaving.

It's all very good having the suggestion of hiring a private detective, but... they cost money !

There's 'no relationship' and 'no relationship' though - do you mean that if you knocked at their door with their grandchild in your arms they would just shut the door without even speaking to you? or do you just mean it would be awkward because you haven't spoken to them in so long?

This is silly. Stop trying to hunt him down. You know he’s parked at his parents so he can’t be far.

Set your own alarm, wake up and take the baby over to his parents. He will either be there or you can ask them what is going on.

Projecting = looking into your own personal experience to find parellels with a situation. So yes projecting, we all do that.

There is nothing wrong with hearing about other peoples personal experiences. Very hard to hear sometimes and sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees.

The OP doesn't trust him, it doesn;t really matter whether she is right to do so or not, that ship has sailed

@wwyt
I've read everyone of your posts.

I'm glad your child is the priority in your case but you can easily fall down that rabbit hole when your need for answers consmes you.

OP I agree that I wouldn't walk away without concrete evidence but I really dont think you're going to get it without following him. Im so glad you have your friend there for moral support and offering her help. Definitely plan to have her follow him again until she can say for absolute certain that hes either at his parents house or going somewhere else. Once you make plans with your friend, delete the messages. Its possible the last time he saw what you were planning and thats why he left even earlier. And now hes leaving at random times to throw you off. Absolutely speak to your friend asap and if shes willing to follow on random mornings here and there you might just get lucky and see where he is going for certain. I hope it works out for you, keep us updated!

@MarkingBad Are you projecting? She's not holding on to anything she's arming herself with the information she needs to MAKE a decision. It's not difficult to understand.

Growing up in a family where one parent does not have any trust in the other is downright disturbing, I am that child as are my siblings. We learned not to trust anyone. So stuff holding on to a partnership that lacks trust for the sake of the child because it's not for the sake of the child it is a selfish attempt to satisy themselves when they will never ever be satisfied because nothing is believed and the one being disbelieved ends up stopping trying.

It also meant getting involved with men who just couldn't accept I never cheated becase my example was a man who couldn't trust. Constant questioning when you know you aren't believed is hard not to take the piss after a while. You get sick of trying to solve the others lack of trust, you become disrespectful because frankly they are disrespecting you by not believing anything you say. You end up walking away because it gets violent or just sodding too difficult to cope with it anymore.

When parents spend their time playing games, they are not focussing on building and growing a relationship, they are practising brinkmanship in their own relationship and get so tied up in the distrusted DP, the children stop being important.

Who is your priority? You partner, you or your child because people who don't trust who stay in relationships is only looking to satisfy themselves when your child should be the priority.

Plenty of single parents have children that have good relationships with their other parent. If you can't trust him, let him go and find someone else so you can bring your child up in a happy household and a trusting environment not one where you get friends to spy for you.

Curiouser and curiouser. . .

@MarkingBad I tend to agree once the trust is gone, but there is still hope here that it's something entirely innocuous and Op needs to be clear on the full picture before pulling the plug on her relationship. There's a baby in the middle of all this too. They are a family.

@Bluestone12

"This… in part. “Can’t ask him because he’s already gaslighting her” yeah no, at no point has she said she’s actually directly asked him a thing of any importance. This is beyond stupid. And I can’t say the other thing I want because it’s against Mumsnet rules."

Well, the truth is stranger than fiction, right?

You owe it to yourself to have evidence or at least strong feelings. I suggest you do the walk thing and then get your friend to check Saturday morning. I'd think Saturday is more likely to prove if he's doing something he shouldn't with a single lady, weekdays would be married, because the hubby would be around.

Yes think like a cat catching prey. It doesn’t start advertising what it is up to by going for very visible walks. It lies in wait.

Op I think if you start acting out of character like going for a walk first thing, he'll know you're onto him and be more cautious. If you are trying to get evidence (and it looks like that is really important to you-and that's your prerogative), then you need to act as normally as you can. I would go with the idea of your friend again personally. x

I think so too. Go quiet on all this so he isn’t on the alert when you and your friend are stationed cameras on. Or just rock up to the house and knock on the door. But do something that will provide evidence beyond imputing something to an expression that passes across his face.

eta you are trying to find out once and for all op, not torment him and interfere with his plans.

If his dad comes out with a wig on 😂

if we know for sure he parks up outside his parents every morning, can the friend be waiting there, and then see what he does once he parks up. If he goes inside, what time he comes out, if he comes out with his dad? That would be a start.

Don't do that! He will be suspicious as of why you are going for a walk so early. He will start getting more sneaky. There is little point in gauging his reaction, it's not a solid proof that you want. Work on a plan to find out what he does 7 to 9. And until you find out be sweet as pie, no more questions. Lull him into false sense of security.