Horrible dread of children growing up and what they might go through

You are just a loving mother doing her best in a troubled world.

Allll of this. My mother calls me catastrophizing about my one remaining sibling who hasn’t yet learned this lesson and I just 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

My DC are older than yours OP, in sixth form now but your fears are one of the reasons we decided to home educate our DC from the offset and I'm glad we did.

There was no growing up too fast in our household. In fact I think we got it about right with them. They were far from isolated from the world but they weren't over exposed like so many children are now. No phones until they were about 13/14 (they didn't want one) and no heavy peer pressure. Just easy going friendships with no pressure.

And before anyone asks, they're doing just fine in sixth form, in every respect.

It’s tough, but you can really support them by being a calm steady presence and making home their haven.

My kids are 17 and 15 and (although not ND so hope this is relevant), Things that I notice help steady and refresh them are; making our ‘together space’ tidy so they enjoy being in that space; having family and friends over when we can. They seem to enjoy the ease of long standing friendships and people from a different generation and I think the consistency of those relationships. And also some family traditions, but not too many as that’s exhausting.

The other thing that has really helped one of mine is being in scouts. One of the benefits of that type of organisation is that you start as a youngster and then gradually become one of the bigs ones unlike school where you are always in the same cohort. It’s also given him a solid group of friends outside of school with, seemingly, less pressure to fit in.

i also drag mine out for a dog walk or something if I think they’ve been lurking around the house too long, but I appreciate that’s not always easy.

They might not be toddlers anymore but at 8 and 10 you still have influence and I think they can be lovely.

I understand where you're coming from op, I'm a worrier too. On the other hand, she'll have you well into adulthood, her brother, and any other family you may have too. She'll also have the opportunity to meet other peers, but I understand just bc someone else is autistic doesn't necessarily mean they're a good match.

OP, you'd be best looking at a place with a great track record on SEN provision and dealing with bullying. It's not always easy to figure those things out.

I got a feeling after going to a few schools, I asked around online and in person. You can get a sense when you're at the schools walking round.

They will be used to this now and will be improving their methods of support for the huge numbers of SEN kids that go to mainstream.

Live in the moment. The future hasn't arrived yet.
Why worry yourself.
Your causing unnecessary burden on your mind.

I mean this kindly and with empathy as I’ve been here myself, but get yourself some therapy so you can help your children through it without them picking up your fear and negativity.

@Suddenfeelingofsadness that's really difficult. Your fears are understandable if your daughter is struggling alot academically and emotionally.

It will be on the school to make it work and accommodate the need. An EHCP sounds important here.

I know there are varying levels of need in many mainstream schools.They are learning to adapt to this as the schools have kind of been forced to.
Can you start having conversations now with secondary schools so you feel you have some control here. The unknown is frightening and you're feeling in the dark.

I hear you. I have four young adults now, all diverse.

Keep close connections with them as children (and adults).
Always be available so they can chat.
Make space to do activities together that are low demands, bake biscuits, pick blackberries, laugh at a cartoon together.

Practice by modelling. Gently challenge and guide. Look at trauma informed parenting, as most neuro diverse children experience trauma especially at school.

It's a hard journey with neuro diverse children but it is possible to raise free thinking, independent adults that can come to you with any issues without fear of judgment.

I agree with @Sorrelia and @Meadowfinch .
Mine are now young adults, so I am at the other end of the journey from Sorrelia, and yes, I still agree with her.

I do think it is very likely the fact your dd has autism gives you a different view, but I don't think all parents should have such negative feelings to their dc growing up.

Yes toddlers. I understand, sorry I didn't mean to be inconsiderate

@Suddenfeelingofsadness I think your greatest fears relate to your daughter and her being ND.

I really cannot stress enough how many Autistic and ADHD kids she will encounter in Secondary school.
My child on starting secondary ( also ND), spotted approximately 5 in his tutor. ( Radar for each other 😆).
I think you need to cons the possibility there may be advantages at Secondary. I imagine she's bright? Secondary will provide more for that desire for knowledge.
Hopefully you will have handover arranged with the secondary she goes to whereby you can ask for all support available from SENCO.

I feel that your feelings on this will pass onto her. Talk to her about all the above. We had these chats before starting secondary. A SENCO told me all this and it turns out to be true. Yes it will be a challenge but think on the above. More people, more choice, less you're stuck with bullies all day in one small environment.

You can't stop them growing up but you can put good basics in place.

Talk to your dcs about things in an age-appropriate way. Ban social media until they are 13. Limit internet access and ensure all screens are kept downstairs so 'communal viewing'.

Teach them good values, pull them up on it if they cross your red lines, and lead by example.

They'll be fine.

Ok @FunnysInLaJardin . There is rapidly growing evidence suggesting otherwise. Sorry, don't agree it comes down to teaching them to use phones responsibly. We shouldn't be putting children in that position in the first place. Even what we might view as relatively harmless, has negative impacts. We need to stop treating children as mini adults.

I don't understand your feelings at all. How about all the wonderful things that await them? Finding love! Travelling! Finding a job they feel great at!
I don't know if I'm being extremely naive or else, but I was thinking the polar opposite of my toddlers the other day. About how happy I am to be able to offer them this life, how excited I was to see them become their own person and launch into the world.

Excellent first reply

That's contrary to all the evidence about literally anything else that's bad for us.... letting kids have alcohol early for instance. Early exposure is always detrimental at population level.

as much as you might want to protect your children, banning smart phones is not the answer.

They will find the information they seek through their friends, computers for homework etc.

Smart phones are not the devil you seek to protect your children from, you need to educate your children so that they know what is and isn't harmful to them and then pray you have done enough.

It is difficult, but making smart phones inaccessible will just make them all the more desirable