DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

You are not being unreasonable to be very concerned about the situation, but you are being unreasonable to dictate to your daughter thst she “needs” to have an abortion. You can only control your own behavior, and you don’t get to command her reproductive decisions.

@ThisOchreCat your response is cold, but accurate, all the best op

Back in 1998 (or thereabouts) when you were 18, I expect your parents may have wanted you to have an abortion too…

I don't have any useful advice, as this is such a difficult situation. I just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing for everyone involved.

I would make it as clear as possible to your daughter that you will not be stepping up and won't be supporting her in this. In fact, I'd be tempted to take a step back and not to let her stay with you this weekend. Having her stay and sending the 3 younger ones away, is just showing your daughter that when push comes to shove, you'll upend your life and your family's life to accommodate the consequences of her actions. But it sounds like she might be in danger from her bf if she's not with you... So I know it's not so simple.

I appreciate that if the baby arrives, things change and you'll step in to keep the baby safe or out of the care system. But for now, I would try to convince your daughter otherwise.

I hope it gives her the push she needs to improve her life

Presumably because the OP wasn't drinking and taking drugs?
The father of this baby has a criminal record and a history of violence

And as the OP will probably have to pick up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong, I can see why she said what she said

Many, many, MANY people don't take responsibility for their children. Why do you think SS are overwhelmed?

And clearly the daughter is in no shape to guide herself let alone anyone else.

Seriously, give your head a wobble

You had absolutely no right to suggest abortion. Not surprised your daughter is upset. You were only 18 why didn't you have an abortion. Some people would think that's far too young to have a baby.,

Concentrate on your three little ones. They have have been impacted enough watching their big sister. They dont need to see the next installment of this car-crash -- or have the much needed focus of their own parent diverted and drained to elsewhere (they likely have endured this already).

You cant be in two emotional spaces at once. You have finite headspace, time and energy - prioritise your younger 3. Your 24 year old has choices - your little ones do not. Good luck.

@Guavafish1 - what shit is that?
suspected still using drugs,has not shown a grain of self preservation or sense and is "trapped"in abusive relationship the op stted hs just aqbout ended theres and is considered a "risk"to her little sisters.
where the hell did you miss that info?wow.
suppose you think THIS will mke a man of him too aye
@ThisOchreCat has been heartfelt,honest. and you just hit her with THAT?wow.
@ThisOchreCat suggesting/heavily leaning toward advising abortion makes sense.Your totally justified and probably banq on wiith predict next stages/end result. Never gony be popular for suggest it and (its not news)
Your daughter didni come to you look for support to do that tho.?was it more...
shes having a baby?
its upsetting frustrating ridiculous.dickhead wont fuck off now.(i dont think).
encouraging her to leave qnd all shit that goes with it would be as close to ideal s you may get.Shes 24 but as dependant right now as your 3 yr old.Shes not managing her life at moment. may be offer/deliver protected support and help her is the only viable option.? that said...they dont stay babys forever. and theres worse things to come through door. ...
shit aas it is and not your plan,you prob know how far you gonna go
shes lucky to have you.

What an awful situation to be in. You are right to be concerned and shocked, this is very distressing for everyone. Even though the decision is not up to you, I completely understand why you would have suggested an abortion.

Flowers, hand holds and best wishes.

Bringing a baby into this situation is lunacy.

Of course he won't ''step up''.

Baby will be possibly born addicted- what a wretched life for that baby.

An early termination would be best.

Either that or early adoption.

Living with a violent man is going to be very risky for the child and your Daughter.

Unfortunately she won't have to shape up. There's lots of grandparents who have residency of their grandchildren.

OP think about if you'll foster the baby, if asked, or have your DD to live with you. I'd tell her that from now on, the Police will be called if she has had to flee and he comes near your door. I'd tell her that you are going to report any drug use from either of them. But that's me. In the cases of babies who have died in the care of drug addicts/chaotic parents, wider family have minimised the risk.

I can't imagine how incredibly painful and difficult this has been for all of you over the years op. There's so much hurt and trauma here and ultimately you want the best for her.

I can absolutely see why you feel the way you do and why you've reacted the way you have. But I can also see why she's reacted in the way she has too. She's also been through a lot of hurt and pain and she probably feels that this is an opportunity to have something meaningful and loving in her life.

Ultimately, it's her body and her choice and you're right- if she is going to do this she will need your support. But also your faith in her. Which I understand is a big ask with what's happened in the past.

I've seen a lot of people turn things around for a child. And I've seen people who haven't been able to. But it's her choice if she decides to go down the road of becoming a parent and social services will lay out very clearly what she needs to do in order to keep her child. They should as a first step be doing what they can to help your dd get to a place where she is able to parent safely. That will mean ditching the drugs and the abusive partner. This is probably the line I'd be taking with her - that if she really wants to do this then she needs to choose herself first over him. If she goes through with the pregnancy I really hope this is the motivation and the turning point for her...

There's no point in beating yourself up for what has been said, but I'd be doing what I can to support her because that in turn supports the baby she might go on to have. She's going to need people who believe she has a chance at succeeding in this.

Gosh this sounds incredibly stressful and I can totally understand why you said what you did- it sounds like you're expecting to be asked to help out a lot. You're right in thinking SS may well be interested and if things become that serious, you might well be asked if you'll provide support to DD and baby. Sorry you're going through this, especially with younger children to keep shielded from it all.

It’s horrible for you. I get it totally given the circumstances. It has to come from her but sadly you’ll probably bear the consequences though.

Best case scenario he ups and goes, she gets herself together and raises her child well. Wishing that for you and that unborn child.

Agree

Sending op a hug x

I can't offer any advice OP but I think you are being very responsible and reasonable tbh. I appreciate some will say you have no right to say this, but based on history and current circumstances, I don't find anything you say to be cruel.

If you were without other children, full of energy and time and patience, maybe you'd feel different knowing you had resources left to pick up the slack. But you don't and you'll feel so responsible to any baby if DD can't do it.

I think you should be guided by your daughter.

she will have to take responsibility for her child… the father is unfortunately especially for the child… she will have to shape up!