DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

@FlingThatCarrot .ffs?
@ThisOchreCat that ws \awful shite to hit you with....thoseems the pile on is popular event.
Your header said "im shit scared" the outrageous irelevant judgements based entirely on your vague outline detaails are awful. write them off.
You ,sd, dd (is she stay t yours?)etc are gonna need some time,some very blunt converstions,nd quite possibly an interdict. thats alot for one night.
hopefully you can get some sleep.
sno easy eh

I don't blame you for what you said I'm the circumstances though I expect she won't listen. All you can do is keep repeating that you won't be taking care of the baby.
I really feel for you Dreadful situation.

Yes I suspect that is what will happen here. OP will be landed with a sixth child to rear except this one will come with intermittent drama/contact/drama +++ from the mother. To the detriment of her own children.

No wonder OP thinks a termination is best (and yet we have had posters gasping in horror that she would suggest it) We all know the reality of this kind of chaos and dysfunction. OP gets no say in whether the pregnancy continues but will have to shoulder the responsibility of rearing the baby (with god knows what issues because his mother is a user.

Awful stuff. OP I really wish you well. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

It’s all very well to say “I wouldn’t be stepping up” but would you really throw a baby - your grandchild - on the mercy of the care system?

I have experience in this. I’d do ANYTHING to prevent that happening to a child of my child. There aren’t enough adoptive parents.

No one shows up for kids in care. No one really looks out for them. No one is paying close enough attention to properly protect them. Especially when they get older. It’s something I really really wish that I could change.

@Needanewname42 I might be a bit mean to say that the DD is probably a lost cause but I'm probably right It's not as if she is showing any sign of trying to provide a safe environment for a child given that she is seemingly still using drugs and is going to play happy families with a violent and abusive thug with a criminal history. As the poster above points out if the baby cries or doesn't sleep we can all recall horror stories in the press where something very bad happened with a violent man doing appalling things to a baby.

You were right to say what you did to your daughter. It’s not unkind or disloyal to be factual in assessing the situation she’s looking at potentially bringing a baby into, and realistically the likelihood of this pregnancy prompting your DD to bin the partner and turn into supermum very unlikely, though not impossible.

The pregnancy will be another means for the partner to manipulate and control your DD and will tie her to him for years if the pregnancy progresses - even if they ultimately split he will he in and out of her and any child’s life. Your idea of sitting her down with step dad for cards on the table talk is the best one - lay out all the scenarios re SWD, what being a lone parent would look like moneywise and as far as restricting her options are.

I hope it works out, but ultimately she will be the one making the choices.

That's a lot to put on a baby!

Sadly @ThisOchreCat as she's 24 as apposed to 16 or 17, I don't think there's much you can do except have clear boundaries with her about what having a child with this man, under these circumstances means. I suspect that you are her safety net and she needs to know that you're deadly serious about not bringing her child up. Would it be worth you going to see the GP with her and finding out- in detail- from the right people what SS will want to see from her considering her partners history? It might give her a wake up call. You could also help her ask for addiction support whilst there.

You really don't have a clue do you? The baby won't be adopted at birth. He/she will probably suffer for years at the hands of shit parents with repeated social services interventions. Maybe in and our of foster care while the mum cleans up her act for a short period but then let's the abuser back. We hear all the horror stories in the press of babies being shaken to death by men with histories of domestic violence.

I would report her to SS.

@ThorndonCream a bit mean to say that the DD is probably a lost cause.

Plenty people manage to straighten themselves out and the baby could well be the making of her.

I wouldn't be stepping up. You are older and have three children of your own with the youngest being only 3. Your adult daughter is in many ways probably a lost cause. She is not likely to be the sort of women who people bleat about having a baby was the making of her. I mean her first impulse is to try playing happy families with her violent and criminal boyfriend - not much sign of responsibility there is there?

In your circumstances, there is no way in which I would be up for looking after a potentially drug affected baby with the kind of genetics they are likely to get from their horrific father. I would be quite up front that she was on her own. I couldn't blame you at all for suggesting that an abortion was the best solution.

Many years my grandmother told my mother as a teenager that, "If she brought something home, she'd be nursing it". My mother was a strictly brought up girl with mass twice on Sundays. It took her years to work out what her mother meant. I have a lot of sympathy with my grandmother's view.

I totally understand your concerns all you can do is be there for your dd. My dd was in an emotional abusive relationship and you can't tell them what to do you just have to be there and hope they eventually come to their senses she did eventually

Family friends of ours dd found out she was pregnant after she had split up with the father she decided to keep the baby my friend was so upset devastated she was ruining her life but it has been the making of her dd she's started a degree to make a better life for them met a lovely new boyfriend who treats the child like his own he proposed at Disney and they are buying a house together. Sadly my friends dh got diagnosed with a brain tumour and has passed away but he got to meet and spend time with his grandson so maybe things happen for reason?

I also get the not wanting to look after your grandchild my dd is 23 ds 19 I am 47 and work full time so they both know I am not currently in a position to give free childcare if they had children now I had dd at 24 but dm retired at 60 the same time and dmil was already retired so helped out with childcare

I'm so sorry OP, I really hope there is a way for your daughter to see what her best option is here.

Why on earth would the Op have done that? That's really twisted reasoning!!!

That's irrelevant now. And I suspect the drugs and criminal element may not have been a factor.

Maybe the circumstances were different - maybe there were no drugs involved on the part of the OP and no abusive, nasty, druggy boyfriend.

Abortion is absolutely an option and probably in this case the kindest one for all concerned.

@ThisOchreCat does your DD want a baby? Was this planned or an accident? What are the chances of her realising that this horrible specimen isn't father material?

I also think you to prioritise your three young children and you need to be upfront with your DD. Tell her that you will not be stepping up if this all goes tits up. If she and BF aren't up to the task and SS get involved, you will not be carrying the can. I know that's tough and probably not what you would instinctively do, but you have other children and your husband to take into consideration.

Tell that, while you are her mother, and you will always love her and support her, bringing up her baby is a step too far and you will not be doing it.

It's reasonable for you to be scared and worried. Not ok to tell her she needs to have an abortion.

Having a child is the making of some people, you don't know for sure.

I would be working to get across that she needs to separate herself from the father for the sake of her child. It isn't something you will be able to push too hard, but you can plant the seeds.

Having children in the best of circumstances is damn hard. I can’t help but think that the first bump in the road, the endless crying and weeks of no sleep will see either him become violent if he stays, or her looking for drugs to feel better. I don’t think a child would be safe, or your daughter. That’s the bottom line. I don’t think you were unreasonable. It was a home truth. Lots of love.

Oh dear.
I spent my entire life with my older sister mocking me over wanting children and telling me what a terrible, awful mother I’d make.
I didn’t do drugs. I rarely drank.
I was far more successful than her.
More empathetic, more compassionate, and never would I have harassed someone I loved about their capacity for having children.
That’s the utmost cruelty.
You know your daughter better than anyone and if there’s any danger to her baby or to herself or her pregnancy, it’s your responsibility as her mother to tell her.
It’s just a crappy part of your job and I’m sorry.

Did you even read the OP? Maybe the OP didn't have an abortion because she wasn't a drug addict in a chaotic violent relationship with a convicted criminal whose plan for child rearing involves her mother taking over when it all goes to shit (as it will).

OP, I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation for everyone. All I can suggest is that you - and your dh - say with absolute conviction that you will NOT be helping at all, NOT taking baby in when the inevitable social services intervention takes place. NOT. It might make her focus on her decisions.

You have young children. You need to prioritise them.

Either she will get shot of the BF and into fit shape as a mother asap and it'll be the making of her, or the child will go into care and be adopted by someone who desperately wants them

It's totally fine to state you'll not be raising her child for her and don't want to see her trying to with this man or on drugs but I don't think you should have said she should have an abortion or that you don't think she's mother material period, seems like you've written her off