DD is pregnant and I’m shit scared.

That's lovely and inspiring.

But you have zero certainty of knowing ops DD will do what you did.

Other posters have related what happened when the mother didn't completely change her habits and circumstances.

You can't say op should support her DD whatever her decision; because you don't know if her dd will be one of the ones who totally changes.

It's also extremely unfair for the potential child. You presumably didn't have the upbringing that that child will have if op's DD doesn't stop taking drugs and stop taking beatings and let's a violent drug taking abuser have access to a baby/child. Then there's SS involvement and fostering and the op being forced to step in etc etc.

I forgot to add that she died of an overdose when he was 2.

Agree with all of this

Also you really don't know if her Mum "didn't make her life easy".

Her Mum has outlined her upbringing and it does not sound like she "didn't make her life easy".

My parents raised my two eldest sisters in the same way, one is a responsible professional who's a devoted mother. One is a long-term alcohol dependent, an irresponsible parent whose son has lived with my Mum for several years, and has dysfunctional, codependent relationships. That's just how it goes sometimes.

Being young and finding yourself pregnant is not the same as being 24 with addiction problems, chronic immaturity and an abusive prat of a boyfriend. The first situation is not ideal but can be worked with. The second sounds a lost cause.
A friend of mine has a god daughter who is living exactly this life. There is a court case going on and court orders in place to stop her abusive boyfriend going near the young woman and her child ( now 9 months). The young woman was 18 when she got pregnant. She absolutely refused to consider an abortion It was all going to be lovely. It isn't lovely. Her mother is now looking after the baby because the daughter cannot cope. SS want the grandmother to adopt the baby because the situation is so bad with the 18 year old daughter. The baby's grandmother is a nurse. She is trying to juggle everything because a chaotic young woman with multiple issues, who should never have had a child, went ahead and had one and now can't cope. Not one part of the situation is a surprise to anyone except the daughter.

I completely understand your pov and your concerns OP, because 3 years ago I was that daughter. Word for word you could have been describing me. When I fell pregnant, I stopped using drugs, smoking and drinking immediately. Within 3 months I’d ended the abusive relationship because I finally saw it for what it was and that he could never be a good father, and although he didn’t make it easy after police involvement he eventually stayed away. I now have a beautiful 2 year old, a lovely home and my relationship with my family is stronger than ever. Falling pregnant was the wake up call I desperately needed, and becoming a mum saved my life. I had a lot of support from my family and things would have been a lot harder if I didn’t. I know she’s put you through so much, but right now your daughter needs you. Whatever decision she makes, please try to support her. If she decides to abort, be there for her. She can turn her life around but she has to open her eyes to the realities of her situation. This baby could be the blessing of your lives, whether she keeps it or not it could be a wake up call for her like it was for me.

She's not capable of getting out of a violent, abusive relationship and she's not capable of stopping drug taking, so she's not capable of deciding if she should have a child.

Not sure why that's not obvious to you.

She didn’t sign up to be a parent again though, and this is what she thinks is likely to happen. Being a grandparent is completely different to be expected to raise the child 24/7.

Oh, and to add.if she's keeping this baby, her mood and stability during pregnancy will influence if they are stable and balanced during their life. Stress in utero has a lasting impact, including the relationship with the mother (mothers who know their baby is being removed have very different pregnancies than a normal bonded pregnancy).

You can't be responsible for how she is during pregnancy but you should be aware of this.

You don't sound unreasonable but it might have been kinder and more direct to say that you can't support her with this baby, and let her realise this means that she might want to consider a termination. Pro choice includes it's her right to keep the baby (as a pregnancy).

I have done work experience in children's services. People like your daughter are a common social work client - either she will finally get a lot of direction and support towards keeping the baby/ditching their father, and succeed, or she will not engage well with the support, which would probably lead to adoption/foster at birth considered for her child. Some women do a great job at this stage and are lucky enough to go to mother and baby respites - it could be a ticket out of this life for her, if shr can do it.

As your daughter's mum, the best thing you can do is be clear with her about your limits and her responsibilities. You already feel you may be asked to pick up the pieces and save the child from care. I can assure you, a baby has a VERY good chance of being given a very good foster home and being adopted.

In reality and IMO, that's probably an easier and safer option than being raised by grandparents - who don't have the energy, and then can't support the adult daughter anymore, due to contact arrangements. If you compare the confusion and strain of a child adopted vs bought up by grandparents... I think I'd chose adoption unless grandparents felt really well resourced to cope.

Best of luck to you all.

You are right OP.

absolutes no chance should she be bringing a baby into the world.

Yes this. Having kids is ideally kind of a one time thing in life - second families when the first are teens and still at home are often bad for the older ones.

And yet no mention of the baby in all of this. It's reckless and cruel to get pregnant when you're an addict with an abusive partner.

Wanting her to have an abortion is a private thought best kept go yourself. Telling her is just sickening.

Why has she turned to drugs and having an abusive boyfriend. Were you controlling when she was growing up?

Why if she turns her life around with her baby as the catalyst? There will always be in the air your suggesting she should abort the child.

If she doesn't turn her life around the comment will just be another thing in her life that she feels a failure in and deserves to be treated badly as her own mother told her to her an abortion.

What a horrible mess but you've said it now and can never take it back.

Step back and let her make her own choices for her and her child. Being told to do something so awful will weigh heavily in her so I hope she can overcome it.

What an awful situation, OP. Hopefully this will give your daughter the reality check she needs to change her life and get rid of the horrible bf. I don’t blame you for suggesting the abortion. This poor baby isn’t destined
to have the best start in life and I think that too many people have a baby without thinking of the wider implications as it is, let alone with a history of drug abuse and a violent father.

Perhaps because @ThisOchreCat was a responsible young women: her daughter has a chaotic life and uses drugs and anabusive partner she hopes to play happy families with, this baby will likely be doomed from the off, even if taken straight into care the effects of drug use during pregnancy will impact for life on the child

She has to get away from that man, but if she won't do that there is so little you can do and I feel for you and your family OP.

I am a sibling to someone who sounds like your daughter. I avoid my sibling because I don’t want that in my life and it impacts my relationship with my parents and makes me resentful because no matter what he brings to the door they just accept it and bail them out again and again. These people don’t learn you were absolutely right in what you said and it was the best advice she will ever get. I’m so sick of seeing people have a baby because yeay it’s a cute baby to love and totally disregarding that actual that is a human being and you are responsible for that human being turning out to be a good person with thoughts and feelings and everything they need to function in the world.

I’m not saying that. I’m saying her Num didn’t make her life easy but she’s in her 20s and so it capable of deciding if she should have a child.

This is so difficult on a number of levels. We don't know how p3regnant op's dd is, I don't think, so the relevance of the abortion issue is difficult to assess. She could be 6 weeks, she could be 12 weeks?

Assuming it's six weeks or thereabouts, whilst abortion is an option and may be the sensible thing, I don't think the op should have raised it immediately. I appreciate the shock and the immediacy of the comment but it would have been better saved for a day or two's time. "Have you thought about how you'll look after the baby/cope with your addiction, etc, and gently ventured to allow the dd to reach the decision.

Sadly, I know one or two families where one child has turned to drugs and got in with the wrong crowd and a downward spiral. I also know of more vicariously and it seems that about half the young people sort themselves out to an extent by their late 20s. It is a very difficult situation for the families.

The op has also talked about tutoring and having support, especially materially. I wonder if the dd has an underlying MH condition and/or has something like ADHD which leads to addictive traits and less emotional control. I think MH issues often like at the root of addiction. We also don't know whether the op's dd has a job and/or a work ethic at all.

It's an horrendous situation and whilst I think the abortion comment was understandable, I don't think it was helpful. My heart goes out to the op.

The bottom line for the dd is: how are you going to care for this baby, where will the money come from, can you and him stop the drugs for things to be safe? You know the GP will disclose your history to the midwives and SS are going to be involved - how are you going to handle that? All of the aforementioned is your dd's responsibility. She remains your child and actually you do need to take care of her emotionalky abd remain her safe space. But you facilitate her taking care of the grandchild and that doesn't mean you care for it. Rather you support your dd if and when the child goes into care, with leaving the bloke, etc., but she has to come to her own decisions and take responsibility, if she can, for her actions and decisions, however hard.

Let's hope for now that nature may step in or your dd realises an abortion is a sensible option. Perhaps the Dr may even suggest it if she is very early on so it might be wise to encourage her to see the Dr ASAP.

If you actually read the OP you'd realise it's not just about age. Her daughter is an addict who is with an abusive man, it's cruel and selfish to bring a child into this situation.

If you actually read the OP you'd realise it's not just about age. Her daughter is an addict who is with an abusive man, it's cruel and selfish to bring a child into this situation.

I agree with this.

Sadly you can't dictate what she does, you can draw boundaries for yourself and make them clear now, and if when baby is here the abusive, violent father is around them you can call social services.

i hâve a family member in a similar suituation.
The daughter wanted to carry on the pregnancy,

3 years on his fathers parents have custody. My friend gets to see her Grandson but similar to you had a very young family & just couldn’t take him in. Her daughter now 26 still hasn’t really changed and her Mum has to still be that support network. The hope that it would be the making of her lasted 2 weeks before she dropped the baby of to go clubbing and didn’t return for 4 days. The boyfriend still flutters in and out her life and has shown no real interest in his son. Social Services have given her lots of support and guidance she isn’t interested - even on the weekends where my friend looks after her son she will occasionally pop by if she hasn’t anything else on.

I feel for you and like you she will always be there for her daughter.

Do not be so melodramatic.