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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban spooning between certain hours

106 replies

Calmondeck · 26/09/2024 07:59

DH is a hugger. He has 3 pillows, one for his head, chest, and back. But sometimes when his pillow fort fails him, he snuggles up to me, inevitably waking me in the process.

He thinks I’m a cold woman for grumbling about hugs, I think I’m going to murder him if I don’t get uninterrupted sleep.

I proposed a time ban - ie he can’t snuggle me before 7am (when our kids are waking up), he says that would defeat the purpose of him snuggling himself back to sleep if he had to look at the time.

Can I kill him?

OP posts:
Pluvia · 26/09/2024 10:47

Separate rooms, OP. Posh people, people with money do it. Madness to share a bed all the time. Share it when you both want to. Every women needs a room of her own — and it's not the kitchen.

AlexaSetATimer · 26/09/2024 10:47

achipandachair · 26/09/2024 09:42

Men are really shit about putting their “need” to grope a warm body in the bed over women’s need for sleep. I’m really stressing about it at the moment because I’m not well but I won’t recover without sleep but I’m afraid I will lose my partner if I limit my availability to him.

If he sees his need to cuddle as more important than your health and recovery, that's not someone you should be keeping.

goodluckbinbin · 26/09/2024 10:46

Most men will behave if their genitals are threatened - perhaps try that over killing first of all?

Getonwitit · 26/09/2024 10:42

Buy him a full body pregnancy pillow and threaten divorxe if he wakes you again.

UnctuousUnicorns · 26/09/2024 10:37

diddl · 26/09/2024 09:33

My ideal would be a double bed each.

Sadly we only have room for a superking.

We have a mattress & quilt each.

I think a standard double bed gives the two adults a cot bed size width of mattress each!

Edited

We sleep on a double bed, but DH is 5' 8" and not overweight, and I'm 5'0" and 8 stone, so we're okay. I understand it wouldn't necessarily work for taller/larger couples.

DH understands that apart from intimate times, there's a no touch rule during sleep. Apart from when I nudge or elbow him onto his side to stop him snoring. We sleep back to back - I couldn't bear to have anyone sleep breathing over me. I think it helps that we are both rather reserved and not massively touchy feely, but we've been happy together for 29 years, so it suits us.

Mikunia · 26/09/2024 10:35

So he:

Sees you as equivalent to a pillow
Thinks it's your job to provide your body to him whenever he wants it
Doesn't care how you feel about that
Ignores your reasonable requests to stop
Calls you names (cold) when you ask him to stop

These are red flags. He is at best selfish, and at worst abusive. How is the rest of your relationship?

Dollybantree · 26/09/2024 10:34

Why do you have so much time to float about hugging people?)

🤣🤣🤣

BackOnceAgainWithAnotherNC · 26/09/2024 10:32

@ThatTealViewer

Could you not tell him that and tell him to stop?

Oh he knows and I did (it's not like he mentioned my grumpiness and I just stared blankly at him in response). Luckily this isn't every night!

I don't mind before we go to sleep (and if I drop off in that position it's fine), or in the morning if he's awake before I get up. He doesn't seem to understand that not wanting to be touched when I'm already asleep isn't rejection. I've tried to explain but it's not clicked for him yet.

Haroldwilson · 26/09/2024 10:32

graceinspace999 · 26/09/2024 10:30

I thought cuddling was one of the perks of a good relationship - not a declaration of war.

I love cuddling - and am generally open to a bit of spooning on a cold night.

Do I need to take a pill?

Do you wake your partner to do it though?

Dollybantree · 26/09/2024 10:31

DrJump · 26/09/2024 08:04

My partner sets an alarm so he has time to cuddle me. I find it so fucking irritating.

Good God, and you let him get away with it?

Ive been with dh for 20 years and have managed to train him out of touching me in the night by poking him/elbowing him off me with force. He now knows spooning/touching is allowed for up to about half an hour after lights off then it’s over to your own side to sleep.

longtompot · 26/09/2024 10:30

Yanbu @Calmondeck Dh and I spoon before going to sleep, but I like dh to go to his own side when we actually start falling asleep, as if he is still cuddling me the he starts to twitch which then tickles me and keeps me awake. Or even before the twitching starts to happen my brain remembers that this happens and then I am waiting for it to happen. Either way, it stops me from sleeping.

graceinspace999 · 26/09/2024 10:30

I thought cuddling was one of the perks of a good relationship - not a declaration of war.

I love cuddling - and am generally open to a bit of spooning on a cold night.

Do I need to take a pill?

UnbeatenMum · 26/09/2024 10:29

If he doesn't want to look at the clock then he can't do it at all. Simple.

diddl · 26/09/2024 10:28

I have two small double beds next to each other

Lucky you!

No room for that!

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 10:28

Bed (road) Spikes. Just don't roll onto them yourself.

minipie · 26/09/2024 10:27

As PP said - you are not a sleep aid.

Is he cold? Does he need to wear warmer PJs or bedsocks or something? Hot water bottle (altho that won’t help at 5am)? This is his problem to solve, without waking you.

uncutdiamonds · 26/09/2024 10:26

Seriously, get your own bed if he continues

Haroldwilson · 26/09/2024 10:26

Tell him you can only get back to sleep if he tells you a story. Then wake him three times a night asking for one.

pinkfondu · 26/09/2024 10:26

Him sleeping does not trump you sleeping

uncutdiamonds · 26/09/2024 10:25

"Horne’s team studied this phenomenon with 210 middle-aged men and women and found that poor sleep is more associated with high levels of distress, hostility, depression and irritability in women. Oddly enough, these symptoms of poor sleep were not as intense in men, according to Horne."

uncutdiamonds · 26/09/2024 10:24

“Women’s brains are wired differently, so their sleep need will be slightly greater. Women tend to multi-task—they do lots at once and are flexible, and so they use more of their actual brain than men do,” Horne says.

NursieBirder · 26/09/2024 10:24

A couple of well-trained terriers down the middle of the bed will stop him.

Pusheen467 · 26/09/2024 10:22

God he sounds like a big baby YANBU

DadJoke · 26/09/2024 10:21

I bet he thinks it’s sweet and endearing, instead of infuriating and boundary pushing. Sleep is sacrosanct.

If I approach my DP during the day for a cuddle and it’s unwanted she makes a low growl and I move away. But in general she loves being touched.