Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

You get the grandparents to do a list of what they want to leave each grandchild specifically. My GP did this with their grandchildren. Jewellery was split between children as per the will. This is the best way to do it.

I wish all the “that’s disgusting and grabby” people would shut up - they’re completely misunderstanding the OP’s point which, I understand is about pragmatism and the reality of multiple relatives.

My elderly mother is alive and well but I can already see my grabby SIL overstepping and mentally earmarking stuff which she may well end up with, but there’s a will and a process to follow. And who wants to be gatekeeper and the boundary holder about trinkets when you’re in the depths of grief and death admin! I also don’t want to fall out with anyone.

This thread is really useful to me in terms of how you handle that. We as a family aren’t naturally grabby, but my SIL is and my DB doesn’t see it. She was the first one to get her hands on my dad’s will when he passed and I was furious. When the dreaded time comes I don’t want to be policing her as well as clearing a family house.

The executors or those with power of attorney decide how to clear the house surely?

The siblings decide how to clear the house. The grandchildren stay out of the decision making process. The will may gift individual pieces although that's still to be determined.

That’s why in my opinion you’re better to pass it on whilst you’re living. You know the right people get the right stuff then.

So the Granny in question was sat there whilst one of her granddaughters looked through her jewellery box? Granny was explaining why certain bits were sentimental to her?

I have no issue with this. I’d hope one day when I’m old and grey that I can talk through the sentimental bits of my jewellery or whatever with my grandchildren and leave them all with something that make them smile and remember me.

You can’t take that stuff with you when you pass, better to let the young have something nice.

My extremely rational grandfather did it all well beforehand and presided, firmly, over proceedings. There was no dispute at all after he passed. DM is currently trying to do the same, every time I go there she’s found something else (and she’s extremely sharp so knows who has sentimental claim to what!).

Controlling access to the house could be tricky if all the siblings have keys.

I have a friend who was left ‘the jewellery’ - not specified- but when the executor went to get it, all that was left was cheap stuff. Someone else had taken the valuables. She didn’t pursue it as the suspected person was a closer relation to the deceased, and the executor had no proof of what there actually was.

This scenario has happened twice in my family. I'm one of many grandchilden - big extended family. In both cases my parent and their siblings were firmly in charge of the arrangements, and despite logistics got together at weekends a couple of times to sort out the specific bequests, and then the things they each particularly wanted/needed/suited their homes. The grandchildren were then asked by their own parents if there was anything specific they would like, and this was sorted where possible (grandchildren not privy to the discussions/negotiations). Once this was done, anyone in the family who could get to the house was invited to go and choose things from what was left. Some grandchildren couldn't make it in person but nominated their parent to choose a couple of things on their behalf. I lived nearer and could get there and ended up with a lot of obscure books and some kitchen dishes that no one wanted but that I love. Anything left once everyone had had their chance to choose was sold/went to house clearance and the property was sold. Whole process took a couple of months of weekends (not every single
weekend).

While they are still alive, encourage them to store valuables in a locked cupboard, out of view, or even buy a small safe and install it at the back of a cupboard.

Encourage them to make a very specific will, saying they get to choose which things go to which relatives. Point out that it avoids squabbles later and would reduce everyone's distress.

After death, hold the wake at an hotel, so people can't access the house. Give the house keys to the executor who has a legal duty to carry out the will exactly.

When my dm died, she left a very specific will, house , furniture and money, all to be sold and money divided equally between siblings. Jewellery allocated piece by piece.

I suppose it depends exactly what was being said. My gran used to let my cousin and I look through hers and we would both say what we liked - but not in the sense of ‘ can we have it’?

I take it from what OP says that it wasn’t her DC but probably a DN. Tricky - as if it’s your own you could have a word. If it was definitely unpleasant - clearly staking a claim on something in the expectation of getting it soon - then I’d have to say something to my sibling who is that DN’s parent.

More broadly, much depends on what’s in the will and whether valuable pieces eg engagement ring have been left to specific people eg oldest granddaughter. If not, then the executors need to sort out a fair way of doing it and ensure than items are not removed before then.

How awful!

What do your grandparents want? It's up to them to decide.

Fuck me they’re still alive and you’re already fighting over the spoils.

I hope they leave the lot to the cats home.

So they were looking at the jewellery while the granny talked them through everything?

Why did that affect you so much? Were you worried they would get something?

Agree plus you can get professional help if it’s daunting. Be prepared for lots of runs to the tip. Perhaps explicitly state that if anyone wants anything in particular they must let everyone know and not just take it.

Only ever on here have I heard people talk about what they'll get when a parent /grandparent died in a serious way. I've jokingly said can I have that when your gone, mostly about daft trinkets that have only sentimental value. I think an outside executor would be the fairest way of ensuring everyone is treated fairly, to be honest I don't think the grandchildren should get anything it should be divided amongst the couples children only . Its up to themselves if they want to give things away whilst they are still living .

That’s sickening, really. Not one of them deserve a thing.

Executors agree to spend a weekend clearing the house, nobody else is allowed in. And get a big skip.

Please remember also that your DPs may derive pleasure from sharing out some things while they can still make choices about it.

I am an only DC and recently my 86 year old DM gave me her jewellery because she can no longer see well enough to put it on and her ear ring holes have closed up.

They are nice items, but none on their own would be particularly valuable- maybe a few hundred pounds but I don't think second hand jewellery is worth much - but it gives her pleasure to see me wearing it, and it makes me feel close to them, reminds me when DF bought them for her when she was a 30/40 something and I was just a child.

But then I suppose I am the only one, so I am already doing the grunt work.

I wonder if you could tactfully say to her "I saw you gave DGD your sapphire bracelet. It's lovely that she has something from you that she picked together. I wonder if you would like to do that for all the DGC and even us Mum as it would be so nice to have something special for the future."

I don't know sounds awfully clunky as I write it, but you get the drift.

Because they're not dead yet doesnt mean there shouldnt be plans for when they are. It saves horrible misunderstandings at a later date. My mother had a will and gave PoA to one of her children as well. She decided that anything in the house that had been given to her as a gift from one of us, went back to that person first( if they wanted it). She asked us repeatedly if there were any particular things outwith that that we would like. Those choices were very personal and ranged from her rocking chair to a cow shaped pj case!
Once all these items had been claimed,we gave others to particular friends who had loved her. Other things then went to charity,or recyclable if not reusable.
I am down to the last bag for shredding and a handful of photo albums and the house will finally be handed over to its new owner. Its all very hard but a pragmatic approach helps for when the emotion overwhelms.

It all sounds tasteless and grabby 🙁

I think your upset about their health is coming out as anger.
Small grandchildren are like magpies - big, shiny, me want. Don't turn normal childhood selfishness into something it's not.
You sound like you are starting to grieve and maybe some counselling to help with the big feelings would be a good idea.
It would make sense to get wills sorted. Because numbers are easy to divide and possessions come with emotion attached. So discuss with them what they'd like everyone to have as a show of their love.
But part of it sounds like you're trying to mitigate the loss you are going to feel. Have it all sorted so your emotions don't turn to anger at that time. I don't think you can do that. It's going to be messy because everyone will be grieving.
Go get the counselling cos it feels like there's more to this than a division of spoils.

I think this is open to interpretation. We all "picked" through my Granny's jewelry box about a decade ago (she is still alive). She offered to share our her jewellery because she no longer planned to wear it and wanted us to take what we wanted. So my mum, aunt and I took a couple of items each. It was all very agreeable.