Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

I think it's lovely that a grand daughter spent time chatting with her granny, so what if she likes some of the jewellery. This thread is odd and sad. It doesn't reflect anything I've ever experienced.

Make a list of everything & then people take it in turns to choose from the list.

Now.... who's going to be first??? 😂

I agree don’t reference the jewellery box incident or you’ll cause an argument.

Just be oblique and say there has been a lot of it and you aren’t naming names.

Different coloured dot stickers. Executors meet at the house. Discuss high value items together (that aren’t mentioned in the will, obviously). Then they go round putting stickers on things they want or their children have said they want. Review and share out. Invite grandchildren to repeat the process if required. No talking, no arguing, just stickers then the executors sort it out. The rest goes to house clearance/skip.

@MimiSunshine the granddaughter was also getting the family stories and memories and having fun with her granny. If granny thought it inappropriate, she should say 'I haven't decided what I'm going to do' and then make her own list, helped by other family if she needs support.

I don't think you necessarily need to read this as mercenary unless it was a diamond necklace.

That's pretty much what my parents did. Then they each had a pack of little sticker dots of a different colour and took turns to identify one thing they wanted (outside of the items that were left to individuals via their wills.)

It's up to them how each deals with their own kids and spouses. But no one else gets to take anything from the house, and why would they need access?

I’d do a group email to all - not including parents- to say the “ I’ve always loved” comments are inappropriate and obvious. No need to name names, so those who have done it won’t be sure if you are referring to a much more overt incident than theirs. But it’s not fair for your parents to hear all that and it’s time to step in,

If you read OP's updates though, it wasn't explicitly a raid on the box, it was more a case of the granddaughter sitting with Granny and 'looking through it' (probably with the ulterior motives tbf but with plausible deniability) - but that granny enjoyed doing it and telling stories and that nothing was actually asked for or taken at the time, more that OP has read into it that the granddaughter was trying to lay claim to certain things (not saying she's wrong but you can imagine what the other side of the story will be). If you sent a message like that following something of that nature in my family Whatsapp group feelings would be massively hurt and WW3 would kick off which seems to be exactly what OP's trying to avoid. There's no real reason to deliberately start a fight now and in fact every reason to avoid it and keep the peace as it will upset the grandparents no end to have their family all rowing over who gets what possessions before they're even dead!

OP I'd leave it, if your grandparents do want to write down some kind of list of who gets what sentimental items specifically that would be helpful but if they don't want to I wouldn't push them. You do really tend to see the absolute worst side of your family members in this kind of situation but in a way the more you try to prevent it the more you can just fuel conflict. How we've always approached it in my family is that the few valuable or very sentimental items, or anything specifically left to a named individual are secured by the executors and divided between beneficiaries accordingly (may mean having valuables independently valued or even sold at auction like a PP mentioned). Everything else is divided up on a loosely fair preference basis and you really can't be involving yourself too much in minutae of whether Uncle Bob's grab of the record collection means he got slightly more than aunty Linda's getting the jewellery collection IMO. If uncle Bob and aunty Linda or their respective partners choose to have a huge falling out over it that's on them. And I really don't think in most circumstances you need to be forbidding people the house in case they pinch stuff, again, is the stuff really worth the family falling out?

In terms of then clearing the house out once things anyone may want and valuables are gone, personally I'd say bringing in professional clearers is the way, yes this does cost money but it can come from the estate and avoids hurt feelings over one executor/sibling feeling they've had to do all the work for no recompense (and it's bloody hard work clearing a house too). Good clearance companies will try and ensure anything that can be reused is etc. by the time you've hired a skip or a van to do tip runs with large items and accounted for your own time and travel costs if you don't live locally, the professional approach starts to look like pretty good value!

Having done it before, and had good experiences and bad experiences...

In the first instance, only the children of the deceased/executors enter the house if needed. Nothing is removed at this point.

Then deal with what the will says in terms of chattel. The will might specify a particular necklace is to go to a particular person.

Then the possessions that remain in the house that are not specified in the will need to be divided.

Only the 3 children of the deceased enter. No partners, no grandchildren. The 3 of you represent your own individual family's wishes. Fewer people involved the better. Take a category of items at a time and divide it up between you, eg jewellery, ornaments, china, etc. Whoever gets the 'best' in the first category gets last dibs on the next one. Take it in turns

Anything not wanted, sell or get a house clearance team to deal with it, then add the money to the estate

I don't think grandchildren sitting with granny going through 'bits' is mercenary,

it is when the adult grandchild went and got the items to then go through it. Would you be happy with a member of your family just heading off into your bedroom and coming back with your personal items to have a look through?

if granny had got it out first or if the adult grandchild had asked first then that is different but they didn’t.

I also love the idea of people wearing my jewellery whilst I'm still alive.

If things are sentimental and not that valuable, then you will find that most people will want one thing, say a lovely broach, and a table, and that will be it.

The biggest problem is volume these days, the sheer volume of things they have in their house. You might wish they were doing Swedish Death Cleaning, but if they are not, and they are not interested in that, then your main issue is how to support their living right now. That's the most important things- and I notice your niece you think is a 'problem' came to her Granny with the items and chatted about them, in other words, she is spending time with her right now, when it counts. That's the most important thing from grandparents perspective, to see their grandchildren and children!

Power of Attorney ends on death. It is executors of the will who deal with the estate.
Also worth noting that gifts of value given in the last 7 years are liable for inheritance tax, although there are some allowances here.

You can fret over this stuff, or you can decide you don’t care. I have one small, financially valueless, memento of each of my grandmothers, and nothing from my parents’ belongings (I had an equal share of money once their house was sold). My brothers, sisters, and I daresay their kids, presumably have the financially valuable stuff. No skin off my nose, and I’ve no idea what rows - if any - or conversations took place about it. I decided long ago I didn’t need that stress, renounced being a joint executor, and let the rest of them crack on.

Or you could ask your parents to write a letter of wishes. We have these, on the advice of our solicitor. They set out who gets what belongings and what is to happen to the rest. They are stored with our Wills, which deal with the house and money, and then say ‘all else in accordance with the Letters of Wishes’. Ours were written in discussion with family and friends, and it was very cathartic (my husband has a life-limiting illness) and remarkably non-avaricious, but they could do this without anyone’s input.

is there a WhatsApp group?? If you want to be blunt, you could write “Seeing as someone has been trying to raid Granny’s jewellery box this week (naming no names), we are making a list of everything / taking photos so that everything is open and transparent and it is also useful for insurance purposes

How incredibly rude if they are still alive! My possessions are just that, mine until I die. You don't go around listing other people's possessions as if they are to share until they ask you to. It's fine to have a conversation about possessions with them themselves, but beyond cheeky and actually offensive to start listing and dividing things.

Unless they are very valuable, and few things are in these big old houses, there will be more items than people, and what ends up happening is the poor person left tries to pass on the old books, ornaments, pictures and much has to go to charity or be left behind. Jewellery the person can bequeath as they see fit, not as anyone else sees fit.

My mums one of 5 kids (she was one of 2 executors) she has similar concerns about a couple of my cousins. My mum and aunts agreed to keep all grandchildren out of the house until they’d sorted through the belongings. So the children took what was ‘theirs’ like their childhood belongings, things they had bought for their parents and then asked grandchildren if there were any specific things they wanted and then they decided who got what based on that.

Grandchildren were only in the house for the funeral but everything of value was boxed up out of the way upstairs. It was framed as ensuring it was fair, rather than concerns of people taking things.

The will needs to be very clear about all property (eg can be down to specific pieces of jewellery/items to be given to specific people or all possessions to be sold and money divided equally between.....) and written by a decent solicitor with experience of writing wills.

The executors should agree now what will happen when the last parent dies. For example- the house can be securely locked and only entered by the executors as a group. No items removed without all 3 executors agreeing.

Executors can only vary the terms of the will with the agreement if all beneficiaries eg if the will says particular jewellery is for x then it must go to x unless x agrees to the variation, or if y is left out of the division of money, they can only be included if all of the beneficiaries agree to the variation.

You have a difficulty if people are taking advantage now when your parents are still alive. If your parents have capacity, they have to stop that, or if that is what they want to do that's their choice. If your parents don't have capacity, an LPA should be in place and the attorney (s) should stop it happening.

It sounds more about the culture in the family and greed.

My grandmother gave away many of her precious items (precious to us, not hugely valuable) in the few years before she died. She went to live elsewhere and in the process gave away quite a lot of things.

If they have capacity, and are sitting there sharing things out, that's up to them. There's no issue for you to deal with, they are there, they are sharing their things, that's up to them! My granny gave lots to other grandchildren, that was her choice.

I didn't ask my granny what she gave to others or what was 'fair', that would be outrageous whilst she was still sitting there, it was up to her.

POA should be obtained for financial and health matters, although if there are two of them, one may retain capacity and be able to carry on for a while.

I don't think grandchildren sitting with granny going through 'bits' is mercenary, it's a way of the grandparent coming to terms that their life isn't going to go on forever and wanting people to have things. I don't care about 'things' for some reason so I never volunteered to take anything, I do have special memories of my granny and I didn't have any specific thing I wanted, but others might do, and in conversation with her, that's fine.

This is how my family have dealt with it

(1) Grandchildren have no say, unless grandparents choose to give / leave items to them

(2) Someone prepares a list of all items

(3) Throw a dice / draw straws for who chooses first

(4) Siblings take it in turns to choose items

(5) Anything left / not wanted goes to charity

It’s just stuff.
If you want something for the memories take a photo to remind you then let it go. Family relationships are way more important than concrete objects.
If someone is greedy and needy let them have it, they are less happy than someone who knows what really matters in life.

Take photos now, of how the house is, the things that you have special memories of, spend time with your parents having special moments around these special things. These are what is important... the memories, not the objects.

If there are things of real monetary or real sentimental value, then perhaps list and estimate these... and should someone start to take things, have a conversation about how these should be distributed.

Have a conversation with your siblings...... gently let it be known that you do not wish to witness the house being scavenged and you would like each family member to have something.

I'm sorry OP, this is stressful.

I'm assuming these are your parents you are talking about and you and your siblings are the executors.

There's so much to deal with here and I'd start by arranging an informal meeting with your siblings.

First of all I would focus on your parents' needs while they are still alive. Do they have lasting powers of attorney? Can they actually continue to live in their house or do they need to move into some sort of care home? (Avoid the kind of retirement flats with huge service charges like the fucking plague, they're impossible to sell. Realistically they either need to stay in their house with a carer if necessary, downsize to a smaller place with a carer if necessary, or move into a proper care home, depending on their level of independence and medical needs.)

Focus the discussion on these things first.

Then say, realistically, they're going to die at some point and when that happens we're all going to be bereaved and it will be hard to think about the practicalities, so what can we plan out in advance? Do we know where the wills are? How do they organise their finances and pay their bills? If they're still doing that for themselves and one of them dies, will the survivor be able to access money? Or do you need to do all that stuff for them now anyway? Do you have all the contacts you will need, for example, to notify the administrators of any pensions they have that they have died, and that sort of thing? Do you know what arrangements they would like for their funerals, burial, cremation, music, wake etc.

Then once you've talked about those aspects and worked out what you need to have in place, perhaps start to talk about wills and possessions.

From my own personal experience, when a couple leave everything to their children equally and don't make specific personal bequests, sorting out all their possessions can be an absolute nightmare. From a legal point of view, if their estate may be above the inheritance tax threshold, any objects of value should be valued and added to the estate for the purposes of probate. This is a very good legal reason for saying that when they pass away, people shouldn't just go in and grab stuff before it's all been sorted out. The proper way to do it is for the executors to go through together, get rid of rubbish, make an inventory of what is left, and store it somewhere safe while the estate is going through probate. In terms of the emotional side, you could suggest that in the immediate aftermath of their deaths, emotions are likely to be running high and people won't necessarily be in the best frame of mind to make good decisions.

So when the time comes, get the funeral out of the way, then the executors (and no one else) should go through and identify what gets kept and distributed to family and what you can get rid of. (You may want to say to the grandchildren that if there are any small things or trinkets they feel particularly sentimental about, to let you know so they don't get chucked, without promising that those things will end up going to any particular person. I know that the one thing I took from my grandmother's house would have ended up in the bin if I hadn't rescued it.) Then you do your inventory which should include anything of financial or sentimental value, including things like jewellery, family photos, any war medals or other family heirlooms, valuable furniture and so on. If anything needs to be valued, do that. Sort out probate. And then maybe six months later (not too soon after their deaths, but not too long either), have everyone sit round the table and look at what is there, and try to find a way of distributing it fairly, without falling out. It won't be an easy meeting but what is guaranteed to make people fall out is if certain family members just go and grab what they want before their parents/grandparents are even cold. Say you know of families who have been ripped apart by this sort of thing and you want to make sure it doesn't happen to yours.

It's horrible, but I firmly believe that if you take matters in hand, talk about it well before you need to, and have an agreed plan that you can put into action when the time comes instead of trying to make decisions when you're all grieving, you will save yourselves some heartache.

My grandmother handed me a ring a long time ago and said “I want you to have this and I know that if I don’t give it to you then you’ll never get it”.
My own mother asked my sibling and I, is there anything of hers that we especially want when she goes as she’ll put it in her will, otherwise everything gets split down the middle.
I think you do need to encourage your mum to instigate this conversation and perhaps you can facilitate getting the will changed.

Good idea and tell the whole family.

is there a WhatsApp group?? If you want to be blunt, you could write “Seeing as someone has been trying to raid Granny’s jewellery box this week (naming no names), we are making a list of everything / taking photos so that everything is open and transparent and it is also useful for insurance purposes”

That sounds so difficult, and likely to get nasty if a solution isn't found.

Can you have an honest but gentle conversation with your parents about the family dynamics after they've gone?

My Grandma made a list of specific items (unsure if there was photos as I just received items and didn't see the list), where she listed everything that she wanted anyone in particular to have. Most things weren't particularly high value. This wasn't in the will, but she made sure she told people beforehand.

Maybe something like 'while you still have your faculties, if there is anything in particular you'd like people to have, could you make a list of it now to help us once the time comes, and to avoid any potential disputes at a time when emotions would be hightened.'

After my Grandma's death, my uncle gave each of us the items in accordance with my Grandma's wishes. We could have asked for anything else if we wanted, I'm not sure if anyone did - tbh he probably would have welcomed that rather than having to get rid of it himself!