Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

I read about an elderly couple who used the coloured dot stickers. Blue for one son, green for the other son and pink for their daughter. Unfortunately, after the couple’s deaths, the daughter got to the house first and rearranged the dots to her liking.

Always seems to be the jewellery. It upset mostly my direct side of the family when it came round to it. It had gone into a safe as my grandma had dementia and was convinced it was being stolen/loosing it etc. it stayed there till after my grandad died at my aunties house no issues. However that’s when it started being a bit upsetting mainly for my dad…his sisters went and picked what they wanted but my dad felt like he should have also been able to pick what he wanted so could be passed onto me, my sister or my mum. As my other cousin a woman got dibs as they all went through it together and then me and my sister got the “dregs” still lovely stuff and it was my grandmas so it still means a lot. He was just upset about the principle and it should have been a whole family choice. It wasn’t enough to fall out over but it wasn’t a pleasant time

I can’t even remember if there were any clashes amongst the kids. I remember my DH wanted something a grandkid wanted, but he got it. I think otherwise everyone wanted different things.

My husband's grandmother had stickers and she got everyone to put stickers on the back of things they wanted with their names on. She was a proper character

What do their wills say regarding house contents? If it says everything is to be sold that is what happens, children and grandchildren can buy the items if they wish.

If the will doesnt say then the executors get together. They can take it in turns to select an item they wish to keep and that will include anything their children want. The grandchildren have no say at all unless specifically mentioned in the will. Or they can have everything valued and anyone who wants can buy it, if more than one then the person prepared to pay most. Or draw lots for contentious items.

Gah family jewellery.

I have quite a few ‘valuable’ pieces of jewellery from my grandmother via my late mother.

It isn’t really valuable though as I can’t really sell it due to sentimental/ family history reasons and I am always paranoid about losing it/ forgetting the safe place I put it so any burglar wouldn’t find it.

Grandchildren shouldn't be involved at all in picking over the spoils. Just the the siblings. And NOT until the grandparents have passed away.

As children, we used to love picking through our grandmother's jewellery box. We also used to love dressing up in old clothes from the loft and coming down and doing pretend plays for our grandparents. They found it funny. We were the only grandchildren who did that, though - the rest were nice and fond of our granny but didn't spend a lot of time in her house whereas we used to stay each holiday for a bit. They had a lot of interesting stuff in their house and we did used to raid drawers and cupboards and bring things to show them, that was just the relationship we had with them.

When is our grandmother died, the way it was dealt with was that her children (not her grandchildren) sorted through her things and took turn about to choose the things they wanted. Anything that was not wanted was left to be cleared. Grandchildren were allowed to choose one thing each to remember her. My siblings and I didn't choose "high value" things, it was more things we'd played with as children - a wooden farm, a wooden chest and some toy horses. None of the other grandchildren wanted anything at all.

I hope they leave nothing to the family in their will, what a disgusting bunch of vultures

Small grandchildren? 17 to 22?

We emptied the jewellery box on the table, the children (her 2 sons) tossed a coin to see who would start and took turns to pick an item until it was all divvied up. No daughter in laws or grandchildren involved.

Sons then distributed to their own children.

Luckily for me my husband picked out all the silver Georgen Jensen (sp?) pieces as the other son only had eyes for the gold and thought he was going to make a fortune selling it for scrap but it was mainly Argos cheap shit and I now have all the good stuff 🤣

I would never, ever use a family WhatsApp group for raising contentious issues. 'Naming no names' means that everyone is upset at once even if they've done nothing.

I agree that the grandchild who thinks it's OK to go into someone's bedroom and touch their stuff needs a sharp talking to, preferably about ten years ago. But they're unlikely to get it.

You've had various practical plans which I hope will help. You probably need to decide what your top priority is - avoiding conflict? Following your parents' wishes? - and stick to that.

I would say from experience that trying to get frail elders to allocate things now that they haven't allocated in the will or at least in writing in some form is pointless. They are usually too tired and their own priority is avoiding conflict, so the same thing will get verbally allocated to anyone who asks about it, and that's a recipe for disaster. We had one valuable painting that was promised to everyone in turn (I refused the offer as my brother and sister were already arguing over it).

So I personally would just let go of the things and let those who want them get them. I'd rather have the dignity of not scrapping over stuff.

I don't understand the people saying how disgusting it is to be thinking of these things whilst the person is still alive.

There's a vast chasm between everybody circling, taking over and pre-claiming a person's possessions "as you'll die soon"; and sitting down, being practical and realistic (and also sensitive) about the fact that an elderly person will not be with you forever and, when the time comes, there will be difficult decisions to be made and tasks to be completed in the midst of grief - of course, with compassion and the person in question's best interests at the forefront.

If it's unseemly to think about these things in advance, why do people make wills in the first place?! It's not just the properties and other assets worth hundreds of thousands that can cause strife between the family, but also the mundane and sentimental items too.

I'm still under 50, so not elderly yet, but I'm mindful of the fact that I've already had far more of my life than I have left. I don't dwell on it, but I do sometimes think practically and plan about what will happen and what will need to be done once I'm gone.

Yes. Don’t try to clear the whole house yourselves. Lock up the house and no-one enters except the executors, together. Once things mentioned in wills have been removed from the equation, only the executors get a say in who gets what, though other family members can submit written preferences if they want to. Divvy up everything of monetary or sentimental value, then get house clearance people to do the rest.

It can be a difficult time OP. Lots of mixed emotions and stressful for everyone. I think it's useful to remember that and pick your battles. A close family is lovely to have and will hopefully bring comfort to each other when the time comes. Some things are probably worth just biting your tongue over (unless we're talking huge sums of money and/or going against parents' set out wishes). If you hope for the future to remain close to these relatives I'd be mindful of any conversations that could escalate and cause major fallouts (that would upset you) especially when everyone is feeling defensive / sensitive of actions. Take care of yourself.

Shouldn’t you have done youngest gets it if no agreement in the second time round? Otherwise the youngest can get short straw every time.

Neither my mother nor mother in law would recognise any of their belongings now I’m afraid. They get pleasure from a cosy cardigan, a good apple crumble, sharing a cup of tea with someone they don’t recognise but who is kind (and is in fact their child). Can’t really process photos even.

Who knows they may live another 10 years or outlive some of you. I've seen it happen in my family. Just the thought of my grandma's death is horrible, I don't want to even think about it. She's now 100 and outlived many family members. Your family seems awful. If it gets really bad you should consider donating all their things to a charity they really care about.

I also did my mums house (same deal, in care, needs money for fees). That was easier as she had downsized to a smaller house 10 years ago so a lot of the throwing out had been done by her already. One brother abroad said I don’t want a single thing. Me and sister wanted very little. So that was mostly, again, local auction house, stuff on Facebook marketplace to sell, lots to charity shops. Grandchildren took what they wanted (mostly kitchen stuff for uni, my Dd wanted the kitchen table and chairs for her flat). I have 50 years of family photos that I don’t want, in boxes. Rest went to the tip.

That's really another case in point for giving your things away while you are still alive. It's all very well to think that granny wants to die surrounded with her favorite things but she may not want to and she may well want to give her jewellery away to her grandkids and live on knowing there won't be rubbish skips and squabbles after she passes.
My granny cleared her house years ago, she has a few sentimental bits, photographs and a minimal daily things she needs for comfort. There will be very little to do after she passes. And she is happier for it because it also means her house is very manageable for her.
My ex's parents held on to every single thing. They had moth-eaten carpets from their great aunt who passed away in the 90s in their attic and 3 generations-worth of furniture. The house is full to the brim and I feel lucky I left the relationship behind because there is no way we'd be able to deal with it at any speed after their passing. Not to mention costs of appraising valuables and costs of binning the rest.

Ok we did this re my in laws place. 5 kids, 12 grandkids.
first, everyone nominated 3 things they wanted from the house. in writing. A piece of Furniture, a painting, a book, a saucepan, whatever.
starting from the kids, they each got their first pick. If two of them nominated the same thing, there would be a discussion. If no agreement, eldest got first pick, younger got second pick. Grandchildren ignored at this point.
once all kids have an item, do it again for second item.
once all kids have two items, then move to grandchildren.
again, everyone gets first pick unless there is a clash, and they try to resolve. If can’t resolve, eldest gets it. They only get one defined item.
once everyone has two mementos (kids) or one (grandkids), that’s when we brought in the auction houses. Now my IL lived in a very big house for generations so there was a lot worth selling. Also my MIL was alive but in care with dementia and she needed the proceeds of sale to pay her care. So we went through the auction houses - big sale at Christie’s, smaller stuff to local auction house, old toys, stamps and medals to specialist dealers, antiquarian bookshop came and got all valuable books. So house was stripped of valuables.
At this point if any kids or grandkids wanted items of value they had to pay for them, but only the likely reserve price.
after that, what was left - anyone could have it. People would say “I’ll take the plates” “I’ll take the chest of drawers in bedroom 3” etc. we did it all on a big kids and grandkids WhatsApp so it was all transparent. Deal was they had to collect. When nobody wanted anything else, we brought in the house clearers.
Exhausting but nobody feels shortchanged.
also there were a few things (family portraits etc) that nobody wanted but equally didn’t want to throw away, and some cousins took those (eg portrait of great grandmother who was their great grandmother too). So don’t forget the wider family.

'Picking through' should be 'stealing', if they took anything away, maybe threaten to report the theft to the police.
In my family there is a family joke, 'I've put my sticker on that ' but it is a joke.

Having been in this situation twice, I know that whoever has the keys/has access to them, and gets in first, they take whatever they want. It's pure logistics. How many people do/will have keys OP? You could try having a meeting with just the siblings and say nothing to leave the house before they do? Are you all executors? Or as many have said ask your parents if they want to gift things now.

But Op said other family members are saying “ I’ve always loved …” each time they visit, That’s not the same as sitting chatting. It could equally be innocent in a nostalgic way, as people realise the era of their parents/grandparents living there with thd house as it is is coming to an end. But it’s not fair to risk the grandparents feeling stalked in their last days.

I think you have 2 completely separate problems here. One is the vultures who need to be stopped. Two is the question of what happens after death. You will need a solution to that but whatever you put in, it's not the solution to the first problem.

Things will not necessarily be as they are when your parents pass away. All my elderly relatives who've died have ended up downsizing first, and a lot of the volume was dealt with then, with their decision making. A big house can get overwhelming quite suddenly. So I wouldn't do too much detailed planning on the assumption you'll be dealing with a 5 bed house full of stuff. It's not easy helping them to downsize, but it's more dignified when it's the elderly parent making the decisions.