Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To cancel our first holiday together 6 days beforehand

482 replies

Chickenrun12 · 26/09/2024 03:55

Hi all, I'm trying to understand why my boyfriend would ask me this before I cancel our holiday. We have been together about a year and we are going to Thailand on Wednesday, he has never left Europe so we are both looking forward to it. Early today I mentioned I had read there are ALOT of massage places offering happy endings where we are staying thinking we would both have a have a bit of a laugh about it so I was shocked when he said 'I could get a hand job and you could watch' I laughed and said yeah right thinking he was joking but he carried on by saying 'it wouldn't be cheating if you were in the room would it'. I asked if he was joking and he said no. I couldn't believe he'd even suggest it. I said OK maybe I can get a happy ending from a man whilst you're in the room (I would never) and he got very annoyed saying it's totally different and why would I even say that. This is our first holiday together. I have planned and paid for this holiday as a gift and I just cannot believe he would even suggest it. He did apologise after I told him how upset I was.

For context he slept around alot whilst we were seeing each other but not officially together whilst saying if I ever slept with someone else he would never see me again. He swears blind he has been loyal since we have been official and I believe him (maybe stupidly). Any thoughts? I feel like not going at this point but maybe that's an overreaction

OP posts:
Twistybranch · 11/11/2024 09:53

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:49

Well yes. Telling a poster that you don't believe them is the definition of troll hunting and you've done a fair bit of victim blaming for good measure.

And what would you label your behaviour?

JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2024 09:51

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:48

How would you have got out whilst being threatened by bouncers? I suppose you could have paid the huge bill and got out on your own but then you would be where? In the middle of the red light district in a foreign city. Would you have done that? How brave of you. And easy to say when you weren't there.

Yes I would’ve paid the bill at that point and left. The useless fucker could’ve paid the rest of his own fucking bill he ran up being gangbanged by 6 women. If he loses a few limbs or digits because he can’t pay, so what? That’s his Daily Fail story made for him.

And I would’ve gotten a different hotel as well so he couldn’t find me. The OP has been to Thailand before and knows the area. Engage your wits and self preservation.

ETA: Or hey, here’s a crazy idea — don’t go a trip with him the first place just like you said you wouldn’t do! @Chickenrun12 did you have friends to talk to about this who also advised you on what to do or offered to go in his place? What after you returned? Have your friends been supportive?

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well yes. Telling a poster that you don't believe them is the definition of troll hunting and you've done a fair bit of victim blaming for good measure.

Twistybranch · 11/11/2024 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2024 09:48

@EngineEngineNumber9 yes, I do understand coercive control. As to your previous point regarding women have been battered and raped for years, I actually understand them more than the OP in this case.

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:48

JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2024 09:45

@TheSilkWorm I would’ve just left him there.

How would you have got out whilst being threatened by bouncers? I suppose you could have paid the huge bill and got out on your own but then you would be where? In the middle of the red light district in a foreign city. Would you have done that? How brave of you. And easy to say when you weren't there.

EngineEngineNumber9 · 11/11/2024 09:47

@JingsMahBucket

”I don’t victim blame but in this instance it is really hard not to.”

So, you admit to victim blaming. Amazing. You obviously DO NOT understand coercive control. At all.

JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2024 09:45

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:15

She was in a precarious position in a scary place having been coerced into engaging in this sexual activity and there were security staff threatening them. I fail to see why you think it's so unbelievable that she was coerced into joining in, especially as he refused to leave until he 'finished'.

@TheSilkWorm I would’ve just left him there.

JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2024 09:43

@Twistybranch oh I believe it happened. I just think the OP just completely ignored every single piece of advice given to her repeatedly. Including her own intuition and dread.

If you’re feeling dread, it’s completely okay to cancel a trip and “lose” money by not putting yourself in danger in a foreign country known for sexual offenses specifically by British men.

I don’t victim blame but in this instance it is really hard not to. The warning signs and red flags were absolutely screaming. Self preservation hopefully should’ve kicked in. And yes I understand about coercive control.

Sceptical123 · 11/11/2024 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I think everyone has different boundaries when it comes to talking about and sharing sexually explicit content, and reading about it too, as you’ve proven. I also think the OP maybe included those details because it highlighted the depths of his behaviour and she was making the point how uncomfortable and scared she was in that situation, as most ppl would be. I think she was looking for sympathy and agreement that his behaviour was abhorrent and she was right to think it was and get rid. I agree at times it sounded gratuitous but she’s addressed the state of her mental health, that too should have a bearing.

SwerveCity · 11/11/2024 09:41

Only babies I see are those shouting troll and claiming “attacks” by people simply stating the facts from the information provided by the op. Unless someone had a gun to my head, no way on earth would I be helping to wank off my partner with a bunch of prostitutes.

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You're breaching the talk guidelines which I have reported.

EngineEngineNumber9 · 11/11/2024 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EngineEngineNumber9 · 11/11/2024 09:34

Can people fuck off telling an abused woman she’s acted wrong. Absolute arseholes on this thread. Really really nasty people.

I cannot get over the victim blaming. Please read and do some research. Are you also saying to women who’ve been abused for years “why didn’t they just leave”, “why stay with a man who beats and rapes you?”.

It’s absolutely disgusting. You are making the OP feel worse when she has already been through trauma. She has explained she is getting treatment for mental health issues as well.

If only life was as simple as these fucking twats make it out to be. I assume you’ve lived incredibly sheltered lives and good for you. But fuck off out this thread where a woman needs support.

Twistybranch · 11/11/2024 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Victim blaming much?

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 11/11/2024 09:23

I’m really sorry this happened to you @Chickenrun12 …but how the hell did you end up going with him in the first place after all the discussion previously on here?

Twistybranch · 11/11/2024 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheSilkWorm · 11/11/2024 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She was in a precarious position in a scary place having been coerced into engaging in this sexual activity and there were security staff threatening them. I fail to see why you think it's so unbelievable that she was coerced into joining in, especially as he refused to leave until he 'finished'.

SwerveCity · 11/11/2024 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This! As if you’d help him finish. Ludicrous.

SwerveCity · 11/11/2024 09:11

Chickenrun12 · 11/11/2024 08:44

If you would really like some more details, it wasn't his bumhole being fingered.

Have a good day.

Oh HE was doing the anal fingering, not receiving. Thanks for clearing that up. Now everything makes so much more sense.

IWantKateGarrawaysHair · 11/11/2024 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Twistybranch · 11/11/2024 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TriesNotToBeCynical · 11/11/2024 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't think you quite get the concept of coercion, do you?

JingsMahBucket · 11/11/2024 08:49

I normally don’t say this on threads, only think it but: you’re an idiot.