To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

Bruise roads are awful at 9pm when it is dark, the tone makes no difference.

YABU.

Hmm. I think the anxiety is something you need to deal with yourself and try to separate it out from the rest.

That said, he’s an adult (albeit a bit “behind” on some metrics) so I’d focus on gradually handing him more adult responsibilities and expectations - those responsibilities and expectations will also come with more control and freedom for him. Right now he’s getting the freedom of an adult without being expected to think through decisions like an adult, and that’s not doing anyone any good.

How is he paying for petrol for all these trips? If you and DH are funding all this limitless driving, start tapering that down. Track your mileage and total mileage and figure out a petrol contribution for him to make based on how much he’s driving your car recreationally. Make sure to explain the calculations, including giving him an example of the cost of one of these long round trips.

Getting himself up on time in the morning is how he can earn the freedom to stay out as late as he thinks is wise. Set a structure for this that feels approachable for him at his current level where the consequences are impactful but not overly severe or long-lasting. So at first there might be a time of the morning that he needs to be downstairs having breakfast (set a time that allows for you to still get him to college on time if he oversleeps and has to speed dress) and if he does that all week he’s curfew-free the next night. But if he has to be woken or prodded along in the morning then he needs to be home by midnight that night. Once he’s steady with that you might make the curfew later but expect him to go all week getting up on his own or have a curfew the whole week after, so he’s getting more freedom but the “landing“ is getting gradually less soft if he errs.

And of course I’d expect an adult to be contributing significantly to the running of the home if they want to borrow your car, and to do it with decreasing reminding and monitoring on your part.

It’s not about making him so miserable he wants to leave or trying to keep him under your control forever, it’s about setting up a scaffold of coupled responsibilities and freedoms that are gradually getting him closer to being able to live successfully outside of your home.

Also he may be a bit immature for his age so it's more like reining in a 17 year old.

It's totally up to you to not be happy to loan your car during the week as you need it early for work. I would say weekends only unless he pops to the nearest shop for some snacks. My young adults borrowed my car at that age but no way would l have them driving around for hours in it midweek. And l sleep well and don't get anxious. My ds has ADHD too and one thing you will find is they always up the ante! So you kindly share the car and now they are up and off for hours . Pull back on the car. You are perfectly entitled to do that and he is pushing it going so far on a week night. Hopefully he is paying for the petrol. Just know, in my experience, those with ADHD will always need to be reined in.
With ours l left a light on in the hall and when they got in they turned that off. If l woke up l would know then they were in.
So no curfew for him but now Winter is approaching its a good time to restrict the car.

Ironically if they go on a 'year out' working and travelling overseas, the worry lessens.

This is so true! My oldest is an ocean away right now, but when she was home, I was far more sensitive to her comings and goings and if she was okay if it was a late night.

Most moms worry about their kids, even when they are older. How about you tell him the truth, but instead of putting out a curfew (it really is ridiculous to do this to a 20 year old), you tell him, "Hey, I love you and I worry cause I'm your mum, when you get home, come upstairs, tap me on the shoulder and let me know you're okay. Otherwise, I won't fall asleep as I worry."

Could you train yourself to go to sleep with the knowledge that he's going to gently and quietly tell you when he's home? This is what I did w/ my daughter and it helped a lot. She really did wake me gently, and I'd go back to sleep, plus she knew that my love for her was driving my need to know she was okay.

No you can't give an adult a curfew because you have anxiety

You would benefit from working on the anxiety instead

My Dad used to say my house my rules.

I don't think so, when I was 23/24 I lived at home and had a week night curfew. If there was something particular I wanted to do which meant I would be home later, I'd ask permission before hand as everyone else had to be up for work etc.

There was other rules such as no cooking under the Influence of alcohol etc

I think it's reasonable and respectful.

I think you can give your car a curfew but not your adult son.

You can't give an adult a curfew. But you should give the car one 😉

Oh I can totally imagine.

However I still don’t think that gives means for a nighttime curfew.

YABU. As much as you say your anxiety isn't his problem, you are going to make if his problem by impacting life if you give him a curfew because if it. He is 20 and as long as he is quiet when he comes home, he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

As much as I sympathise with you having anxiety as it's an awful thing, this is your issue, not his.

I have a 20 year old son and I do understand worrying about them still, in fact I probably worry more now at times than when my children were young, but you have to let him live his life.

I think you should tell your son how much it affects your sleep so he understands. My husband moved out as a young adult bc he knew if he came home late his mom would wait up for him. I understand it's harder to do that now. I think let him home later if you aren't working the next day.

The worry seems 'academic' when one's children are young.

It becomes much more visceral when they are actually driving around in their own, or other friend's vehicles.

I literally said in my post that you quoted that: “Parents worrying about their kids never goes away”. So not sure what your point is?

Albeit I don’t have teenagers yet, but I won’t be putting a curfew on an adult child who drives because the roads are horrible. That’s insanity. I live in rural Yorkshire and have also experienced accidents and horrible country roads/the peaks.

Ironically if they go on a 'year out' working and travelling overseas, the worry lessens.

Seems to be when one is sat up in bed, listening for the squeak of the gate and the familiar key in lock sound it's worse than when they are thousands of miles away.

Not a curfew but I would have a chat about potentially waking everyone up at night when he gets in.

With due respect- until one is a parent of young independent adults, one has no idea about the worry.

I was oblivious to it until son started to go out as a teenager.

The roads where she is are horrible, {But let's face it, they are bad everywhere, there have been nasty accidents in every part of UK} to all ages of people.

but I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety around his safety

As you said, your problem not his.

As for your work meeting - would you still worry about him being out if he lived in his own place?

Parents worrying about their kids never goes away. I’m 30 years old and if my mum knows I’m doing a long drive she will always ask me to text her when im back.

Putting a curfew on an adult is crazy! It’s controlling and infantilising him.

As long as he is quiet when he returns home in the early hours, doesn’t wake you up or disturb you and remembers to lock the doors I don’t see what the issue is.

Edit...I too don't think you can do a Curfew- One just has to trust to luck and good judgement on their part.

I do absolutely understand how anxious you are.
Wasn't it almost a year ago that the car with some young lads in it went off the road and ended up in a flooded ditch?

That was in rural Wales, and the locals said it was a very bad stretch of road.

It has remained in my mind, as just so ghastly.

As parents we never stop worrying.

Mum's Driving instructor {She learned to drive in her Thirties } said he has three adult Daughters, and worries about them all.

He's an adult so YABU to set a curfew.

If he has mornings where he's hard to get out of bed, you could encourage him to try to be home earlier at night, but you can't make him.

Re your stress, mine isn't bad like yours, ie I can fall asleep, but I sleep very lightly and frequently wake up until I know they're home safe, so my rule is for them to send me a text when they get home, so that way if I'm awake I will see it, or if I'm asleep, next time I wake, I can check my phone and see they have arrived safely and then finally sleep soundly!

Oh I absolutely get it - especially with driving, as my anxiety flared up horribly after a (very small, nobody hurt, minimal damage) bump in my car about 3 years ago. Didn't want DH driving at night, in the rain, when the sun was low in the sky, etc etc etc etc... but ultimately I wasn't addressing the real issue. It's easy for me to think of your son in this scenario - because some of my best memories in my late teens/early 20s were sitting about in my friends' cars chatting til the wee hours! - but I totally understand how strong the urge to want to stop the percieved unsafe thing happening is. Given that you've said socially he's catching up now, though, it seems like the freedom of having a car and being able to socialise is good, so maybe there's a compromise to be had - not late enough that he's a pain for college the next day (which will mean you'll have a time frame you can hopefully live with, but giving you time to prepare for him getting his own car/potentially going off to uni!).