To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

I would be having a conversation about him doing 2.5 hour journey’s in my car on a regular basis to ferry around someone who doesn’t drive. I think it would be reasonable to suggest that the number of times he picks her up and drives her around is limited until he is funding a car of his own and ask him to limit this to weekends only.

Other than that as a mum of one driving teen and a young teen with ASD I do appreciate the anxiety that comes with their new independence. I do sleep now because I realise that awake or not I have no control over anything bad happening. On the roads it’s could be dangerous at 8am or 2am depending on the conditions.

I totally understand your worry OP , I’m originally from Bangor and I know the Snowdonia area well.

As far as him driving is concerned, you can only reiterate to him to go carefully , however you can’t issue a curfew as such , but as he is using your car then I think it’s fair to ask for a contribution to running costs and see if that suddenly reduces his usage and the “friends” requests for a convenient taxi service .
It sounds as though his new friend might be taking advantage and I’d be more concerned about that .
as he’s not an Independent adult in your home I think house rules should apply anyway , consideration for everyone in the house. So no early hours returns etc

I have a 27 yo DD who lives with us (autism and anxiety diagnosis, she’s only just started to catch up socialising wise) and she’s currently learning to drive. I’ll feel exactly the same as you when she eventually does start going off on her own in a car OP. Even though she’s nearly 30.

You said you are getting help for your intrusive throughts/anxiety. Have you come across the terms "safety behaviour" or "avoidance". Setting a curfew for your adult child would be a safety behaviour and a means of avoidance. Overtime this only reinforces anxiety and would probably negatively impact your relationship with him. As you said your anxiety is your problem not his. I understand all your concerns regarding rural roads and distance but ultimately I don't think you can do this with a adult child (if under 18 I would probably think differently).

Yes. But only because he lives in your house. If he lived somewhere else, it would not be reasonable but as he lives with you and it's causing anxiety to you, it is reasonable.

This - from experience. And yes, you’ve no idea what they’re doing when they’re at uni but it can be tricky when they’re back home.

OP is well within her rights to insist that HER car is home by midnight - but as her DS will soon buy his own that doesn’t solve the real issue.

We insisted on a quiet return home and absolutely no cooking or turning TV on etc and our DS always stuck to that - but it was rare that he was driving late, he was usually out drinking when he was out past midnight and came home in a taxi so we didn’t have concerns re road safety.

We didn’t curfew though. I would have a talk about considerate behaviour and the risks of late night driving on very dark country roads.

I agree with this I think. Yes he's an adult, but he's not an independent adult, as if he were a lodger or unrelated friend. I personally think that if you are funding him, it's fair to ask him to be accommodating and be home for midnight.

You can't insist that an adult child is home by a certain time. You can ask them to not be home too late because it disturbs you sleeping and you have to get up early, but not because you are anxious. You can also stop him from using your car, or let him use it less often. However, that won't help going forward, because when he gets his own car you'll just feel the same again. I get how you feel having a son slightly older but really you just have to be quiet about your anxiety and just reiterate how to be safe instead.

I’ve been in a similar situation. We set an 11 pm curfew Sun - Thurs. It’s your house and your car. His “friend” is using him and will soon find another mug to chauffeur her around.

While I don't think you can reasonably impose (or enforce, really) a curfew on an adult, you say he works weekends but doesn't pay anything towards household expenses.

Does this extend to not contributing to the running of the car? Because if that's the case, I'm fairly confident all those frequent 2.5hrs round trips would stop pretty quickly once he's reaching into his own pocket to put petrol in the car.

It sounds as though the friend is taking advantage a bit, or perhaps just being young and naive and unaware of the costs involved in running a car.

I think you are well within your rights when he's driving your car OP.

I think you are unreasonable to consider giving an adult a curfew. However, it is not unreasonable to reach an agreement between yourselves from a position of mutual respect, especially since he is using your car. I know you've acknowledged that your anxiety isn't his problem and that is true. I would seriously consider counselling or therapy to help you through this.

Don't be that controlling mother that pushes their grown child away.

There's two issues here. One is your anxiety, which is not a reasonable grounds for imposing a curfew on an adult, as that's your issue and not his. As other posters have said, he will get his own car at some point and probably move out, and you'll need to deal.

The second issue is that he's using your car, which you need for work, and he's living in a household of working age adults, so waking people up at 2-3:30am when they have to be up early for work and when the being out late is non essential (ie he's not a shift worker, which would be different) is inconsiderate. It would also be inconsiderate if he had housemates. However, his work schedule is different to yours, so there is a reality here around you all needing to look at compromise. A midnight curfew every weeknight when he works at weekends effectively means he won't see his friend much, and if he's struggled making friends or with his social life that may need to be a factor in the decision.

He's ND, so he may need some context and an explanation of how what he is doing affects others, as he may not join the dots in the same way. I would suggest involving him in solving the problem and framing it neutrally, because the problem here is your needs and schedule as a full time 9-5 working adult and his needs as a student working part time at weekends are different. How can you solve that problem together?

Don't make it about curtailing his freedom because you can't cope with the anxiety of him being out, make it about the realities of sharing a roof and shared resources as adults, the responsibilities you have to each other and the need for compromise.

I think this is a rite of passage. For the first couple of years after dd passed her test I'd not be able to sleep until she came home, but I don't worry so much now. You might find the same when more time has passed?

I'd focus on how good it is for ds to be out and having a social life and using his life skill of driving.

Why aren't you sleeping at all? What help have you had with this? I'd focus on sorting this out, as this is not ds's fault, as you say.

Can you limit the nights he uses your car for a bit? It's your car at the end of the day. And is he paying any money towards it? Driving around for hours on end isn't free.

Also he's at college, not unreasonable to suggest he's back at a reasonable hour in order to get to college on time.

To be honest part of me is wondering about this "friend" and if they're taking the piss. What would happen if they had to use public transport more to meet up?

I don't know, normally I'd say you can't give another adult a curfew but I have a son with ADHD (and autism, although it'd be the adhd that's more problematic in this situation) and the stats for young men driving accidents, especially with friends, are scary (probably better with a female friend mind). I don't think your anxiety is irrational (I also was raised in rural wales and accidents amongst friends were COMMON, thankfully not serious).

I think I'd have discussion about your concerns, the fact you share a car, and see if you can get to some mutual agreement rather than dictating a curfew.

Honestly I’d just talk to him a bit like you have to us, explain how anxious you get and come up with some ideas together- he could send you a text when he arrives or leaves and let you know if his plans change etc- what will work for you both will depend on the circumstances. At 20 he can help you solve the problem- he’s not the problem to be solved.

He's an adult but he is living in OP's home and using her car. She needs to get a good night's sleep and use the car to keep the roof over his head so he needs to be respectful and be home at a reasonable time on working days.

Is this friend learning to drive any time soon? 2.5 hours driving every few days is a lot of wear and tear on the car.

I think as long as he is living at home he follows your lead. I have had similar with my DS just this last week. I think it's good for young adults to learn some consideration for the rest of the household.

You can't give him a curfew but you can tell him he's not to use your car after a certain time.

I agree with @oakleaffy and until you are at this stage you have no idea what you'd do.

I would never have imagined I would be a person that was sat up at 1am waiting to hear the lock.

The worry is linked to knowing he is coming home. For me it is almost physical, my body is waiting to hear the key, and I don't worry in the same way when he is staying at friends. So @oakleaffy I can believe that it isn't as bad if they travel.

This is so intrusive but could you ask him if it’s ok to use family location app to make you feel better and not give him a curfew (and work on your anxiety). I do think curfews for adults are unreasonable. Mines nowhere near a teen but I know I’m going to struggle with not knowing where she is and if she’s safe when she’s older.

I don’t think it’s fair on him really to be curtailed by your feelings of anxiety tbh. I do sympathise because I doubt I would be able to sleep until my DC was in their own bed but still I would try not to out that on them.

If he has a curfew, won't he be hurrying to get home and therefore more at risk on the road?

Don’t type without glasses on!

those roads are awful at 9pm when it’s dark, the time makes no difference.

YABU

I would think it's better to tell him about you being anxious and not sleeping and asking him to help by being home at a reasonable time when you have work. As it's your car etc I don't think that's too much to ask. You aren't imposing a curfew just asking him to be aware of the impact on others while he's living at home etc. You aren't the only parent that worries about this kind of thing. You dont need to go into detail about your thoughts. I came on to say get a grip OP, but after reading the detail about where you live and the roads etc I think he needs to be aware of the impact on others .