To give a 20 year old a weeknight curfew?

No he doesn't,as he's an adult. He doesn't have to take instructions from his parents but yes he can of course move out.

@poppyzbrite4

of course he does whilst he lives at home, parents make the rules (adult) children live by them or move out.

Set up Find My (iPhone) or similar so you can check where he is if you are worried.

Both my children (early 20’s) Know I’m not a great sleeper and don’t sleep properly until they are home, we have no normal curfew if they are out but I do ask out of respect if they are using my car to be home by midnight which is respected. Dd does work in hospitality and sometimes doesn’t get home until 3pm but does text me when she is leaving so I know when to expect her home.

I agree with @Owly11 also.

In a group people should try and be considerate of each other. At the moment, the son is the boss. He get's to use OP's car free of charge adding miles to it, he is being housed and fed but not giving his college course his best. You can't study and learn effectively if you run on 4 hours sleep every night. And what about OP's job? She own't be able to sustain working on little sleep yet she is the one financing her son. In the longer run, she'll get health issues form the stress and sleep deprivation. The responses on the thread show us what an individualistic society we live in. If yo want independence, move our and fend for yourself. I lived in flat shares throughout my 20s, so for over ten years, I had to be considerate of groups of people to make it work. I have some amazing friends from his time and also some bizarre stories to share. OP's son also has ADHD and ASD, he is a vulnerable adult. ADHD makes you more prone to risk taking and ASD to being rigid about things.

It's got to be a bit of give and take. On weekends, he can come home whenever, but during the week, he needs to be mindful of the his family's needs and feelings. Young adults are not babies, they can understand that they are not the centre of the universe. If OP's ds wants to live in a more populated area, he can move. If he needs special support due to his complex disabilities he will need to try and come to an arrangement with his family who are currently taking care of him.

@Owly11 indeed. I would also struggle with the comings and goings in the early hours of the morning on a work night, that would disturb my sleep. I own my house, I have not signed up for inconsiderate adult roommates, so there does need to be some expectations of courtesy, the son is an adult, and north wales is not expensive, if he wants to continue to benefit from living at home, he should be mindful of the people he lives with.

I think it's interesting that people say op's anxiety is not her son's issue. When people live together they impact each other and it's good to be open about everyone's feelings and discuss ways to navigate the situation so that everyone is taken into account. The idea of one person in a relationship (any kind of relationship) having to completely hide their feelings so that the other person can do whatever they want with no thought or idea of their impact on others is not helpful or healthy. No wonder op's anxiety is so high if it can't be expressed and acknowledged. Also it's good for young people to learn how they impact others and take that into account. I don't think the curfew is a good idea because that's just the opposite of not saying anything - a prioritisation of one person's needs over the other - nor is it a good idea to just ban use of the car because again it is just an exertion of authority. I think an open and honest conversation is needed and see what emerges and whether some solutions can be reached that everyone is happy with.

He’s still in full time college (uni deferred until next year) and works weekends, we fully support him and he doesn’t pay keep (my choice, while he’s in full time education).
How is he engaging with college when he only sleeps a few hours each night. He is also adding up the miles on your car OP. Tell him no more giving lifts as it's your car. He can take women home when he owns his own car ideally in his own home?

Try having dc in the military on 48 hour standby!

I worry about my husband much more when he's driving than I do when he's deployed. Statistically, much more likely to get harmed driving, he's sadly had 3 deaths from his base in about an 18 month period from driving, none from deployment. I don't think it helps to try to minimise someone's worries with unrelated examples.

You can buy them without black box insurance, they are about £5per month

He's an adult. You have to let him go. Your anxiety is your problem not his.

If the car is yours, you could reasonably ask him to get his own car rather than pile the miles on to yours, but limiting your adult son's social life because you worry is really not on.

No I think it would be completely unreasonable sorry. Assuming he is driving sensibly and paying for fuel of course.
You need to work on your issues because it's not his fault you're anxious.
And btw I live near Snowdonia too so I know what the roads are like but if he is not speeding and not driving in snow/heavy rain then there's no reason not to drive at night.

I do get worrying about them, I have adult children, but you need to get it under control. Try having dc in the military on 48 hour standby!

You can't give an adult a curfew because you get anxious but it's fair to say he's disturbing people's sleep coming in late on school nights so he can either get home earlier, stay out til morning or move out.

It lacks consideration for others rather than a curfew exactly

I do understand where you’re coming from as I also worry when my young adult dc are out (neither drives but it’s more the coming home late on public transport/walk from station). Sometimes I sleep and don’t even hear them come in, other times I’m awake worrying and don’t settle until I hear the door - I also get those intrusive thoughts, but I know it’s nonsense from my end.
You can’t give a 20 year old a curfew though, if he lived away (Ie at uni), you would have no idea what he’s up to.

This is not meant as a dig OP, can be difficult to project the right tone in a post, just thought I’d give you my experience of the receiving end of this, if you happen to read this, I was in many ways your son.

Im 42 now and my mum died about a year and a half ago, she was human so lots of positives and many negatives to her personality, but one of the huge ones was her anxiety over me being out and about, not just when I was living with my parents, but even after I moved out at 19, up until she died. I’m actually much more relaxed as a person now I don’t have her neurotic projections onto me, at times they would make me stressed and angry at her.

Mobile phones made it easier for her to check on me, but in a way made it worse. I was once walking my dog and she rang, this was maybe 5 years ago now. I don’t always hear the phone on a windy walk and didn’t this particular morning. The reason she was phoning is because I hadn’t yet phoned her that day and she was worried, this behaviour was annoying to me. She didn’t realise it but she accidentally left a voice message at the end of the call saying to my dad who was with her “well where is he, what’s happened?”, I heard my dad reply that maybe I’m driving for example, to which she said “for fucks sake!”. This anxiety was just suffocating and I had a go at her when I rang back, she stuttered and lied her way out of it, saying it’s fine, but it wasn’t, it was suffocating, it’s one small example of MANY for me, in a huge way I’m just so happy to be free of it.

Just so nobody accuses me of it, I’m not projecting or saying that you are as bad, what I’m saying is your son will at some point share this monkey on your shoulders, if you don’t deal with it, it will continue to consume you and him and possibly taint your relationship. Obviously the best thing he can do is move out, but you do need to find a solution to your thoughts and not ever share them with him or make this his responsibility.

Im not a parent so obviously don’t understand that bond, but being on the receiving end neither does a son, not in the same way you do, they love you immensely, but it’s different. It must be so hard being a parent and worrying for your child, I hope you find a solution and enjoy your future with your family, you have lots of things to look forward to as a family, wish I could go back to being 20 like your son, just sit in my parents kitchen with them having a chat and a drink. But it would be even more wonderful for you to enjoy it without extra worries.

I think it’s unreasonable because he’s an adult and so far a sensible one by the sounds of it. I think the anxiety you’re feeling is just part and parcel of having independent children who drive

I voted YABU because I do get it, I feel the same about my son who is 18 and always out late driving or just out! But it’s a you problem. It’s not fair to put limits on their activities because of our anxieties.

I don’t think giving him a curfew at 20 is appropriate but I also don’t think people should be regularly coming into the house at 2-3am mid week is appropriate when other people have to be up for work (unless that’s because their job dictates it).
adults who are basically just socialising need to respect that it’s not a reasonable time to be coming home in the week.
so no, I don’t think saying be home by midnight Monday - Thursday is unreasonable.

also does he pay for any fuel in your car or contribute to the insurance cost etc? If not I don’t think you are doing him any favours by not charging a 20 year old anything for his keep.
id also be concerned that this new friend is just using him for transport.

I feel your pain OP. I went through this all summer when DS (age 19) was back from university.

I was torn - on the one hand, he’s legally an adult, so I felt I had no right to tell him what hours to keep. But on the other hand, he was living in my house, not paying any rent or costs obviously, and my sleep was being disrupted.

In the end I just grumbled a bit, but didn’t actually make any rules as such. He went back to university a couple of weeks ago, and whilst I miss him terribly, I don’t miss lying in bed and wondering what time he’ll be home. Bizarrely I don’t lie awake worrying when he’s away at university.

YANBU. He’s not an adult in the sense that he is still living with you and supported by you. Sleep is so important. I have young adults too and totally agree that the worry is worse when they are living with you than hundreds of miles away.
I’d also worry about this girl massively taking advantage ( possibly of a crush on his side?).
Its your car so it’s really up to you when he brings it back.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open about your worries. Unfounded anxiety is one thing but I don’t think this is totally without reason.
It’s not about being controlling it’s about people living together being considerate of one another.

I have an AUDHD 18 year old. I get exactly where you’re coming from. They are not streetwise and are more vulnurable.

But l’d never give her a curfew.

I think you are within your right to ask your ds to be at home at 12:00 during the week. If he lives at home , he needs to be considerate to the rest of the household, he can't have his cake and eat it.It's your car, you don't want theirs of an accident when he driving on bad roads in the middle of the night.

How come he goes to bed so late anyway? Does he not have a job? It sounds a bit wild being up until 3am most nights.

Is there a way to get him a car if his own and have a black box fitted for the insurance. These often limit mileage (or you pay extra) and although they don’t enforce a curfew as such my son used “lose” points for driving around after 11pm.

In the US for example “intermediate” drivers (ie those who have passed test within last year) are often in curfew- both restricting night driving and prohibiting passengers. so I think there is obviously seen to be a need for some limits for safety.

you could also look at stats about killed and injured drivers in UK, the stats won’t alleviate your worries, they’ll solidify your resolve to follow your action- www.gov.uk/government/statistics/reported-road-casualties-great-britain-older-and-younger-driver-factsheets-2022/reported-road-casualties-in-great-britain-younger-driver-factsheet-2022#:~:text=Overall%2C%20in%202022%2C%20around%20a,drivers%20aged%2025%20or%20over.