I think I might be a nasty gossip

54 replies

Trying2changee1 · 25/09/2024 22:50

Please be kind, I’m not a troll incase anyone begins with “well if this is true” type posts. I realised today I might be coming across as a nasty gossip but I really don’t mean to. Just for background context - I had an awful childhood with lots of abuse and no good memories at all that I can look back on. I was severely bullied by much older siblings so I grew up thinking life was cruel and a fight. I’ve been in awful jobs and very toxic environments which I didn’t realise at the time as I just thought it was normal.

About a year ago I joined a new workplace and I have never known this level of kindness that everyone shows me. I’ve never had it! It sounds lovely but I’ve been waiting for things to become “real” in other words my normal of people being nasty and just general horrible-ness.

this week in particular I’ve been complaining a lot as I’ve been given new responsibility and when anyone asks me how I’m getting along I keep telling them all the bad things. Truth is that it’s not in the slightest negative but I keep downplaying things and just focusing on the worst things and making them bigger. I’m worried this will get back to my new manager who is so lovely btw. But I’ve made it sound like they are wrong in some ways. I really can’t help it but I feel fear telling people things are good - I know this sounds strange but I’m sure it’s from my childhood as my older siblings would damage anything I loved or showed interest in e.g. aged 7 my doll was cut up by my sister (19 years old at the time) and I feel anytime I had anything nice they would ruin it. I think I’m making it sound like things are bad do people won’t ruin my happiness but I’m worried incase any of this goes back to my manager.

truthfully I love my job and I really care and respect my colleagues. What should I do?

OP posts:

KurtShirty · 25/09/2024 23:06

It’s so hard when it’s compulsive isn’t it! You kind of need to experiment with a new response, I think the PP are both great. You could even make a start just by thinking of some specific praise for your boss/the company culture and just finding opportunities to say something positive without it being a response to a question. that way you are in charge and it won’t take you by surprise, and you get to start re-routing those neural pathways. So, for example, you could say “ I feel like I don’t say enough, but this is such a lovely work environment, everybody is so kind” or something that feels comfortable to you?
practice will make perfect, you’ll get the hang of it.

Original poster

Trying2changee1 · 25/09/2024 23:05

Thank you both. Yes I will try those suggestions. I’m 36! I know I should have outgrown this behaviour by now

OP posts:

Pandasnacks · 25/09/2024 23:01

You can see what you are doing which is great, so now change it. Next time someone asks say you are starting to get the hang of it now you've stopped panicking, put it back on you and start turning it into a positive. How old are you?

Whitfloor · 25/09/2024 23:00

Give yourself a hug for having the courage to start a thread.

Get counseling.

Write down the worst things that could happen if everyone knew you're happy and evaluate how likely they are to happen and if you think it's rational to take action based on them. Then write down what's the worst that could happen if you continue what you're doing and how likely it is to happen. Then decide if it's rational to take action to stop it. Do go through that process because you need to cognitively engage - this is a big override and bringing in your rational mind is not easy so you need to strengthen that muscle.

If you decide against doing what you're currently doing, think about different responses that you might have had if you hadn't had the experiences you've had. Think about which of these would feel comfortableish to try doing. Think about the words and phrases you could use. Try it out alone. "X is really supportive. I appreciated Y giving me a hand the other day. I'm feeling really lucky to be in such an encouraging team. Thanks for the advice."

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