I think I might be a nasty gossip

I'll second cbt. I've had both that and lots of counselling and they've both helped in different ways. But for what it sounds like you're experiencing, cbt might really help as it helps train you to park or let troubling thoughts flow over you, without taking the full impact or dredging everything up. Great for anxiety and overthinking.

If you don't get on with therapy, would you give CBT a try? It doesn't dwell on the past. CBT says 'you are here, where do you want to be?' then gives you instructions on how to get there.

I've never found therapy helpful either. It keeps it all present in your mind and stops me moving on. Was my experience. I hate my history is in my records. I recently was upset about needing to learn to self catheterise because I'm embarrassed and upset it's got to this with my health. And the nurse teaching me in response to my upset was to ask if I have a history of sexual abuse. I fully get how some people would find it triggering with a history like mine but I wasn't even thinking about it but her question brought it to the front of my mind and I then had to have her help me root around down there with those memories going round and round. I've felt like therapists like to dredge up all the details and make me relive it over and over and that causes more harm for me than helps. What I needed was what you are doing. I logically thought it through. Not everyone is like people from our pasts and when we employ harmful defence mechanisms like you describe we ensure we do not connect with the good people. It is important to understand what it is in is that led us into further damaging situations and relationships once we left our childhood behind. So we can break that cycle. Maybeyou do not need therapy to do that, but you do need to work it out for yourself if not in therapy.

It's REALLY hard to be vulnerable and let people close. Maybe don't strive for that straight away for now just work on not being so negative with your coworkers.

Something that has stuck with me is I was once told by letting my history haunt me I'm ruining my own life. Those who fucked me up to start with don't care they have moved on, they are not suffering. If they knew how I was and they may even get a kick out of that. Do I not deserve to be happy? Would I say someone else who has lived the life I have deserves to be haunted by it for the rest of their life while the perpetrators live their merry life? I'm asking you OP what would you say to someone who has a similar history to you? Do I deserve freedom from that fear? Because I think you deserve the freedom!! I don't know but for me logicing it through like that really shifted my thinking and was instrumental in moving on. Also becoming a mother was both a huge trigger and a massive part in finally getting through weeks at a time without fear of bad things happening and good things being taken away. I can look at my ds at the ages I had shit happening and think fucking hell children are so innocent so under serving of trauma even when they are being cheeky boundary pushers like a normal child does. I could see it was my parents who failed me and set a pattern of behaviour in me that had history repeating itself until I finally understood and broke the cycle.

It sounds like you are breaking your cycle. You can see what you are doing and want to change it. You want to keep the good amd you believe good things actually can last. This is pivotal be proud of yourself it's fucking hard what you are doing.

You did your manager is great. Could you ask to speak with her or send her an email and simply say you've had a bit of a crap past and find it hard to accept good things in your life as there hasn't been much of them. Say you love the job the people and all that and that you worry you've been a bit negative to your coworkers and just wanted to say if she hears you've been negative that it's just you working through some stuff in your head. Going forward you will be working on that and appreciate her understanding? Maybe that's not good advice I'm not really sure. In romantic relationships I'd never say sorry ive been negative it's just my past haunting me as I'd worry they would then blame all problems on my past and would treat me bad with that gaslighting ammo (I'm much healed but not fully obviously) But work is different. No harm will come to you for saying you live the job and realise you e been a bit negative out of habit when it's not how you feel?

Just ‘talking’ isn’t going to work, though. Therapy involves ferocious hard work. I am always exhausted for the rest of the day afterwards.

what you need is faith

I've had therapy over years. Had a very poor role model and I actually mimicked elements of that.
I've completely tapped into my empathy and understanding and much greater awareness now after this. Plus life experience.

It can be worked on. Podcasts are great on these things. Even psychology today articles.

You can relearn and tap into the person you were before your environment shaped parts of it.

Oh a diary is also fantastic for saying what you really feel - the childish part of your mind. Mine has been so full of every swear word imaginable. It really can help. Just make sure it's never found.

I struggled similarly at work because of an emotionally abusive childhood. A lovely mentor of mine recommended a book called Assertiveness at Work. Developing my adult voice really helped me start healing from my childhood.

I agree with pp’s that mostly when people ask how you’re doing a generic I’m fine or All good and you? is all most people are looking for.

If your manager is really lovely and you get on, ask to speak to them and explain what you've said here - both about your personality traits and how much you love the job and people

The quick fix until you can properly work through this, is to change your behaviour in conversation. Instead of doing a lot of talking where you can accidentally fall into saying the things you don't want to, have a few brief prepared positive phrases if people ask you about the job or your colleagues. Say them, then move the focus straight to the other person with a question, so you become the listener rather than the talker. People will love you for this as everyone enjoys being listened to.

You've got self awareness, which is good. I would recommend therapy, it's important to try to overcome this. I work with someone like this and its soul destroying, the negativity brings everyone down and you just end up feeling flat listening to it.

I’ve recommended this to so many on here, and colleagues and signed up myself. It’s 9 months free and very high quality coaching around MH and work. Have a look.
https://able-futures.co.uk
💐

i note that you say you fully relate to the OP and have just sabotaged a job because of it

does it occur to you that seeing posters who offer different perspective in an entirely unabusive manner as “projecting and scratching their talons” is exactly what we are talking about and would make colleagues lives unpleasant

Op, I can relate to everything you've described about your childhood and your behaviour as an adult.

Therapy has helped me immensely but it's not a quick fix - changing these patterns takes a lot of time and work but it is worth it.

good post

I think, if you feel you can and if the workplace is a supporting and inclusive one, you should tell your manager some of how you’re feeling. That you feel imposter syndrome, that you’re happy with your job but you’re coming to terms with some issues at the same time etc.

They can then be more accommodating if they notice some of these behaviours in you.

Try 'not so bad' or 'can't complain' or 'it's going alright' which are not gushing statements of positivity but not negative either.

I don’t think it’s talon-scratching to point out to the OP that incessant vocal negativity is generally likely to create a problem in a workplace she clearly adores, and that she’s misguided to think it’s only an issue if it gets back to her line manager. I absolutely get the self-protective aspect of why she complains, as it’s a pattern she’s learned from childhood (the way that in some cultures, mothers fend off the evil eye by saying to one another ‘Your baby is ugly!’ ‘Yours too!’), but it’s important that she realises she’s actually risking self-sabotage here.

Her workmates are not her siblings, poised to grab away her job if she doesn’t continually point out how awful it is to make no one else want it. She needs to learn new ways of behaving which are not going to alienate her colleagues, of whom she is very fond. Someone who hits you with a stream of complaints every time you say ‘How’s it going?’ is eventually going to pall. It’s why I suggest the OP practices saying ‘Fine thanks, and you?’

Indeed. There are some horrible people on MN who just want to kick someone when they're down.

OP, I think possibly it might help to create some kind of ritual around putting on a work persona. Decide what kind of person you want to be at work - cheerful, cooperative, appreciative - and even if it feels inauthentic (as it will, at first) act as if you are that person during your working hours. When you leave for work in the morning, maybe put on a piece of jewellery or a perfume that signals to you that you're putting on your work self. Then when you get home, if you need to, you can work out your negativity and anxiety through writing or in counselling sessions. It might help to say to yourself, for now, 'okay this doesn't feel like me and doesn't come naturally, but this is how I have to be at work, so I'll fake it and put on this other persona. I don't have to say this is really me, or that I've changed, I just have to put on this mask for work because to do otherwise will make my life so much harder.'

Of course, in time, you will find it coming much more naturally to you and you'll become more light hearted. But for now, it's okay to just fake it.

I would find someone you admire in the workplace and model your behaviour on that person for now to sort of fake it til you make it, damage limitation and then seek some counselling as others have said.

I absolutely get what you are saying. You are a product of your past. It sounds like you have a chance of a new beginning and well done for being so self insightful.

My mother had a very cruel childhood and she never really recovered so you are doing well.

Pp have given great advice. To throw mine in, tell people you have been whinging a lot recently, and apologise. Say you really appreciate the support and being with such a great team or company.

That's it. Then change the subject.

Next time, practise in your head how to respond, practice in the car, and smile at yourself in the mirror more.

@Trying2changee1 When you come back, remember that people project and scratch their talons a lot on these threads without actually thoroughly reading.

You’re just sort of kicking the boot as op acknowledged this already, that’s why people are trying to be positive.

Thing is op, it’s not just it will get back to your manager, it will. But if it is a lovely workplace your negativity and complaining will habe a negative impact on your colleagues. So yes you need to stop yourself making negative stuff up and saying it.

if you really can’t control yourself then seek counselling.

im not going to heap praise on you like others, as it reads to me the only reason you want to stop and are worried is you’re scared your manager will find out.

Sounds like imposter syndrome and the fact that you are so used to negativity that you now automatically press the self destruct button before someone else does so that you can control the narrative and feel like you've got control over the situation.

Words and actions during the early years into teens really do matter and really do have an impact. I have older siblings and one used to constantly refer to my weight and legs. They would call me things like fairy elephant when I was in a swimsuit or chunky monkey when I was eating and in my teens, I put on a pair of shorts and they absolutely laughed and joked about how white and fat my legs were. From the age of 15 to now (43) I've never worn shorts or a skirt because I'm so self conscious about my legs. I wear maxi skirts and dresses and that's about it. I've also now been diagnosed with stage 1 lipodema and told my stepmum as I was upset, this has got round to that sibling who started sending me pictures of elephants legs and people with stage 4 lipodema etc so I've blocked them and gone non contact.

I find myself saying ignore my fat legs flr any reason, e.g. even if I've got jeans on or jogging bottoms etc and feel I need to control the narrative before anyone else makes the comment

What I've started doing is trying to say the negative in my head rather than vocalising it which helps and speaking positively about things because actually my cruel sibling isn't reflective of everyone

This year is the first time I've got my legs out on holiday, normally I wear really light trousers or cover them with a towel and nobody said anything! Even at home my legs are always covered

Make a list of all the positive things about your role and project and start using these. It's hard to change your mindset but it can be done. You deserve to be where you are and to be treated with respect and kindness