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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I been unreasonable to cancel a family holiday

37 replies

Singleholiday · 25/09/2024 19:02

Little bit of background myself and my DH had been together for 20 years married for 13 with 2 children together. We had I admit fallen into a bit of a rut with the mundane life unequal family split/etc and had become a bit bickery as a result. He had in the last about 2 months spent a increasing amount of time with his sister and her best friend drinking excessively and from this he had begun stating he was unhappy in his marriage and despite saying there was nothing going on with the other girl wanted a divorce we have been muddling through with no real resolve until things came to a head almost 2 weeks ago and he lied about where he was and went drinking with his sister and this other girl and didn't return home all night despite my pleas to do so. I therefore asked him to leave which he did and has been living at his sisters since.
Once the storm has calmed down I have almost begged him to return its massively affecting our children our eldest especially was already on a mental health pathway and this is killing her she just wants her parents together. I feel after 20 years we owe it to ourselves and our children to try to change and really invest in the marriage, try councilling and talking but he point blank will not now consider this and wants a permanent split.
Now comes the AIBU in 4 weeks we are due to fly abroad with the girls for a trip with his mother and his sister which has been paid for by my mother in law. He still wants to go on this trip with him staying with his sister and me with the children but still spending all our time together with his family or failing that for him to fly with them without me. Am I been unreasonable to feel the best solution given the current situation is to cancel altogether. The children need their mum neither wants to be away from me, I also have concerns around the drinking with his sister and general behavior given its what has had a massive hand in the breakdown of our marriage. I however cannot see a amicable way for me to holiday with his family without that also impacting the children.
AIBU to cancel the trip altogether despite me not having paid for it and knowing it will upset my children?

OP posts:
RomeoRivers · 25/09/2024 19:44

The marriage is over.

Which means moving forward he is going to have to parent the kids without you, so they should probably get used to you not always being there.

I appreciate that the drinking is problematic, but if you believe that the children will be otherwise safe with their father, grandmother and aunt, then you ought to send the children and use this time to get your affairs in order for the divorce.

It’s lovely that the children want to stay with you, but it would be unfair to put them in the position of taking sides.

You and your husband are the parents, so you need to make a joint decision on their behalf, otherwise you are undermining him as a parent and setting the tone for their future relationship with him.

Now is also a good time to teach your DC about resilience. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do or that push us out of our comfort zones, it might be daunting or upsetting, but ultimately they will be fine.

LIZS · 25/09/2024 19:41

Singleholiday · 25/09/2024 19:22

My children are 12 and 9 and a 12 day trip. it's so hard I just want to make everyone happy and I just can't think of a solution that's going to do that. The younger one went away with her grandma for 4 nights and was upset by the end wanting me they are both quite homebodies without these added issues

Were they with their df though? Tbh it would be better to send them with him and you drop out, or perhaps go for a shorter period. Given it is likely you are separating they will need to get used to being with one of you,

mindutopia · 25/09/2024 19:37

I definitely wouldn’t be going. If the dc wanted to go, I’d be happy and support that. My Dh took our eldest abroad for 2 weeks this summer and they had a wonderful time. But he is a competent, engaged parent and she loves going away with him. If they don’t want to go, then they stay home with you.

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2024 19:34

cuddlebear · 25/09/2024 19:11

I wouldn’t even discuss with him. I would cancel and take the DC elsewhere just with you. Maybe leaving the day before as a surprise for the kids.

Fuck him.

This. Seems to be the perfect solution. Not a word to the dc or anyone else, fabulous surprise, defo go the day before so it's a done deal. Your ex deserves nothing less.

Notdeckingthehalls · 25/09/2024 19:31

Would the kids want to go if it was a shorter trip? Is that an possibility?

You’ve known for a while that the marriage is not working, your husband raised it a few months ago and now he wants a divorce. I think it maybe past the time of working on your marriage.

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2024 19:26

My first reaction would be to say that DH takes the kids and you stay home, but if they have said they don't want to do this then you have to take this into account.

If your eldest is struggling anyway, then I don't think playing happy families for a week would be helpful at all.

I would have another conversation with your children and double check that they definitely do mean that they wont go without you. That might have been a knee jerk reaction and wanting to please you, bearing in mind everything else that is going on.

If they mean it, then you wouldn't be unreasonable to tell you MIL that under the circumstances you and the children won't be going.

Original poster
Singleholiday · 25/09/2024 19:22

My children are 12 and 9 and a 12 day trip. it's so hard I just want to make everyone happy and I just can't think of a solution that's going to do that. The younger one went away with her grandma for 4 nights and was upset by the end wanting me they are both quite homebodies without these added issues

OP posts:
cuddlebear · 25/09/2024 19:11

I wouldn’t even discuss with him. I would cancel and take the DC elsewhere just with you. Maybe leaving the day before as a surprise for the kids.

Fuck him.

ColdPlayy · 25/09/2024 19:09

Cancel and take your kids elsewhere.

pictoosh · 25/09/2024 19:08

How old are your kids and how long is the trip?

Original poster
Singleholiday · 25/09/2024 19:08

For clarity his mum and sister are separate bookings the only people I would be removing would be me and my children and my husband if he doesn't want to go without us. The children have both stated that they don't want to go without mummy.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 25/09/2024 19:05

My opinion is that you shouldn’t go and that you should ask the children whether they want to go with the rest of the family or not.

It’s not your place to cancel the entire holiday. The other adults can make their own choices.