What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

You said she needed to do as Daddy said because he is an adult. This implies that grown ups tell you what to do and you have to listen. It might seem silly to worry about wording but the idea that you have to do as you're told by people in a position of presumed power can be dangerous.

Also it wouldn't be lying to her to just not say anything about how her friends would see it. I think children are raised to be judgemental, it's not a natural state for them so at 4/5 I'd not really think that her friends were thinking anything other than "oh Mary is upset".

It's her FATHER not just anyone. Jeez.

And it's not shaming to say she will look silly.

Why are you embarrased?

This brought back memories😂. Pick yor battles with headstrong little madam.
My son when he was 6-10yrs would never wear a jacket, no matter the weather. I always ensured he had one in his schoolbag though. The thing that bothered me was the looks of sympathy in the rain, like we were so poor we couldn't afford a jacket for him.
It's done now, move on
Good luck

I would only give a consequence if she was hitting or was completely aggressive, maybe a time out or no tv etc but because she didn’t hit I would speak to her about it and tell her that she must wear a coat as it’s cold and that’s the end of it. She likely won’t have a tantrum again as she didn’t get her way. Maybe give her a chance, any behaviour like that again will result in no tv for the evening/ no playdate at weekend- something in along those lines. She’s 5 so I wouldn’t expect that behaviour to carry on but did she definitely need to wear a coat, was it really cold?

Also, when using discipline don’t leave out the connection. It’s important to validate her dissapointed that you could not pick her up and apologise if that’s what she expected but you can still give consequence and follow through. Remember if you tell her not act a certain way, show how she could have acted instead. Have you taught her how to express emotions positively? Such as verbalising feelings etc?

Have a read up on authoritative parenting, basically it’s the fine balance between authoritarian and permissive parenting and has been linked to positive development outcomes compared to the others.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Authoritative-Parenting-Striking-Balance-Confident/dp/B0CJLFKS86/ref=asc_df_B0CJLFKS86?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4283060486024609697&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9044988&hvtargid=pla-2281435176858&psc=1&mcid=c9a0a982c62532849d1bc667a041ba90&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=4283060486024609697-B0CJLFKS86-&hvexpln=74&gad_source=1&dplnkId=a573e878-3378-4739-afd7-541aea958a9b&nodl=1

Oh and she was quite happy to get picked up by her DGP without warning yesterday!

Which actually makes her being out of sorts today, when being collected by someone other than you again, more likely rather than less likely.

Your DH dealt with it how he saw fit. It's not something that needs you to dish out consequences as well.

Wow, missing the point spectacularly on two levels.

1. Her dad made her put her coat on, so she didn't get what she wanted.

2. nor did she "want" to have a tantrum. She lost control and she won't have enjoyed it.

Telling her off and making her feel unloved by her parents after this meltdown will not persuade her never to have another one; in fact it will just make her feel more anxious and emotionally insecure, leading to more instability.

Hideous.

Teaching her she should do anything grown ups tell her is hardly clever.

And shaming her is a great way to destroy her self confidence and increase her chances of mental health issues later in life.

My son used to do this, hates wearing a coat or jumper. We realised letting him go out and get cold was the best way to get him to put it on rather than fight with him. Now when we say it's cold outside he just puts it with no fuss, he has to learn everything the 'hard way'.
I would talk to her and explain that wasn't good behaviour and you expect better from her etc etc. then let it go.

I wouldn't have even made a big deal about putting anything else on. As long as my DD comes out with her belongings I don't care if she doesn't want to wear the coat or jumper, if she gets cold she can put something back on.

Sounds like she's nearly 5, tired, hungry, and emotional. There doesn't need to be a consequence.

Oh! If only I had known when my DD was younger that talking to a young child and giving them a consequence after a tantrum would stop all future tantrums................

No, she’s behaving like that because she is FOUR.

your job is to parent your child, not punish them for behaving like a child. She did nothing wrong and frankly the fact that you think she deserves punishment for having a moment of deregulation after a day at school when your husband already handled it says way more about you than it does about her.

Have a seat.

What was rude about asking why its relevant? Jeez are you always so sensitive?

A talk about how she behaved and she isn't to do that again simply because she wanted you to collect her and not your DP. That isn't ok. She needs to know that.

Apart from that, the matter was dealt with by your DP.

That's right, undermine your husband and teach her that food will make her feel better. What could be wrong with that?

It really isn't. Kids behaviour is worsening everywhere in the UK and we wonder why. In schools, at home, in the streets.

Kicking your bag on the ground in a major tantrum isn't acceptable at 5. At 2, maybe, but a 5 year old (or nearly 5) absolutely should have some form of consequence. Showing your child that there are boundaries is good parenting. They need to know where the boundaries are and learn to respect them.

Eye rolls won't make your posts true or hold more weight by the way. We're all entitled to opinions.

I mean the consequence is that having a tantrum is upsetting and exhausting for the child. It's not like they enjoy it. DD1 is always drained after.

Personally I'd just have a small chat when things are calm saying that in future you don't want to hear she's been trying to hit, and leave it at that. First weeks of school are exhausting for them and they've got a lot to process. To us it was just the coat thing, to them it was just perhaps the final thing in a day that's tipped them over the edge.

This is such bullshit honestly. 🙄

I think it is personally, but obviously people decide what they want to teach their children and it's up to them really

I’m going against most of the advice as I think she should be made to say sorry to her Dad for kicking him. She has to be told that no matter how upset she feels, she must never kick, hit or hurt anyone. She’s absolutely old enough to understand this!

Why do you feel the need to punish your child? You can parent perfectly well without punishments. It takes a bit more input from you though. A punishment hands it all over to the child. You can sit back with a glass of wine, cup of coffee etc while they handle the whole lot of whatever happened and how they handled it on their own.

You might assume that you are a bad parent if you don't punish your child. Maybe you were punished.

But you don't have to do it. Instead deescalate and listen, find out what's wrong. It possibly was nothing to do with the coat but instead not having the words to explain what upset her at school. Kids often keep it in at school and dump it on a trusted parent afterwards. It's our job to read beneath the behaviour and see what is really going on.

Nooo they're totally over stimulated and physically and mentally exhausted after school at this age and for a year or two yet. Let it go, no big deal, no harm done. She's tired.

The consequence is getting cold.

I don't think she needs any further consequence. It wasn't deliberate behaviour, it was deregulation.

As you can see, in the UK, we allow children to do whatever they want with little consequence, contributing to lots of behaviour and mental health issues later.

Don't take advice on this from a UK forum, would be my advice.