What is a reasonable consequence for this behaviour?

I’m gonna buck the trend and say she is wrong and is old enough that she should have done as her dad said. Yes she was tired but she did behave badly and kicked him. No massive punishment, I would talk to her about her behaviour make sure she knows she was in the wrong and make her apologise (give her dad a cuddle or something)

GP told me that was how he became ill. And he started shivering not long afterwards - so pretty clear to me!

I've had three.

Genuinely surprised by the number of people who claim that they’d just let this slide. She kicked her father’s hand. The least that needs to be done is to talk to her about this and that she caused hurt. You wouldn’t accept this behaviour if aimed at another child so why accept it when it’s aimed at an adult?

Reward a tantrum?

I don't live in England and the country I live in is much colder atm (below 10°). She has been at school now for around 6 weeks. Whoever picks her up always brings a snack and usually a nice little treat at that. I get that they are tired and emotional but I absolutely think having that level of tantrum is not on. I absolutely believe she is old enough and clever enough to understand that that isn't how she should behave. We talk to her all the time about using her words etc instead of screaming and she knows that we are open to talking about something and letting certain things give if she explains why. She didnt do that though and i absolutely will not stand hitting or kicking. I'd be happy to let her get cold but tbh I don't want another sick child. It's that time of year when all the bugs are brewing and I don't want anything to make us more ill than need be. From a practical point of view I've eneded up in hospital because of the kids viruses that have triggered my asthma and I need to be on form to keep the ship running.

Give her a cuddle, a drink and a snack.

Tell DH not to make her put her coat on. Some times they’re just not from running around.

No one ever got a virus from being cold and wet…..that’s not how they are passed on

I do. I had one. And he would be spoken to if he ever threw a tantrum and told that is not a good way of communicating his feelings. Hitting people is not good.

Do you have other thoughts, ideas, responses to my post?

Edited- I’ve just realised you’re saying that you wouldn’t call her a “silly baby” so that is great!

I suppose my point is that we know that it’s not okay to shame other adults for being emotional by suggesting they would be “silly”; so I find it so confusing that we would say that to young kids whose brains are still developing and who are just learning emotional regulation skills!

I do. I had one. And he would be spoken to if he ever threw a tantrum and told that is not a good way of communicating his feelings. Hitting people is not good.

Nope. Said she risks looking like a silly baby not that she is one.

You don't know much about 4/5 year olds, do you?!

Learning to express feelings in a healthy way is so important for future mental health. She needs to learn the skills to express feeling tired/out of control, etc. by using her words, but (even for adults!) this is really hard. Especially when we’re tired and/or have just started a new job! When I’m tired or stressed or worried or adapting to a new job, I am likely to hold it in all day and then I might be grumpy and irritable with my partner when I get home. If he called me a “silly baby” I would feel worse and also hate him! If he said to me that he understood that I was tired after a big day and stressed after a new job I would feel heard and better. Then if he later (when I was calmer) said to me that it upset him when I was grumpy with him and could we figure out a way for us to manage (as a team!) what to do when I’ve had a bad day without me taking it out on him, I would be up for having that conversation. Kids are like adults except they are less able to manage their emotions and need more help!

If you say that letting emotions out is being a “silly baby” then the risk is you shame and silence kids. The feelings will still be there but they will be pushed away somewhere and pop up in some other (less healthy) way. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have boundaries; but I think the trick is to work with you kid to help them to develop the skills; be on the same team.

I don't think starting to teach her about emotions is something that should be done this evening in the aftermath of an argument. It should be an ongoing conversation over her whole childhood. She will likely be feeling embarrassed, her parents are still annoyed and she's clearly tired and overwhelmed. It's not the right moment.

Plus, if your idea of teaching about emotions is to call her "silly" and "a big baby" then it's probably best to leave it out entirely.

You cannot just let that behaviour lie. We all have to learn that sometimes we need to do as asked and not what we want.
Talk to her about it. Ask her ehat happened and why she got so upset. She needs to realise she upset daddy, she upset her sibling and other people saw her. You need to explore with her how she feels about it in reflection? What would she do differently next time. She is young not stupid.

Well done yoyr DH for standing his grounds. It is cold at the moment, coats aren't an option even for a head strong 4 yo.