If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

Yes I do think they’re a lot happier than they would be in the available state schools, but that’s largely because we chose schools which suited them. I don’t think they’d be happy in all private schools. I don’t think any of them would be happy in single sex for example, or in very small schools. By paying for education, you have much more choice over the type of school, and they often offer things not available in the state sector.

Yabu to think it's either or. It depends on the school surely? Some state schools are better than some private ones

if you read this (and other private school threads) then private = good, and state = bad. It’s not true. There’s good and bad private schools, and good and bad state schools, and bullying goes on in all schools

Mine have both just lived from private to state and I would say have basically the same happiness levels.

It depends on the individual child and the individual school.

All three of our DC went to private from state at 11. Younger two DC are very happy and thriving. But we moved DS1 back into the state sector early on in Y7, because he was miserable in the private school environment, and our local state secondary actually suited him much better. Interestingly, despite the fact that he has some SEN (ADHD/ASD) the state school was a much more positive environment for him, where he had good friends, and he was very happy there.

Younger two DSes, on the other hand, absolutely love their private school and they are both doing really well. But honestly, hand on heart, I actually think they would also be very happy in our local state school. They are very lucky to be the kind of children who enjoy school, love learning and find it easy to make friends. They'd probably thrive anywhere. But they would not get the same level of co-curricular and extended academic opportunities in our local state school and that is the differentiator for us.

My DC changed for the better. Came out of her shell, feels more confident in her own skin, trying out things she wouldn't have dared to previously and academics improved most of all.

Absolutely. Our DD attended a local state primary from Reception to halfway Y2. We live in a family-friendly, very desirable London neighbourhood. Everyone raved about this state primary - many parents we knew attended themselves. It was a truly terrible experience for our DD and us. There is so much change: kids leaving/coming, teachers on long sick leave, and no support. My DD cried going in every day. We found a small private school within walking distance of us. Small class sizes, and our DD is happy. We are so relieved. I couldn’t sleep with worry. She’s a different child now. I don’t care how much it costs us - I couldn’t see my child crying every day like that. I hate that state school so much, and I think I was a rep and on the PTA raising money for them. It was and still, easily badly run, and this is by far one of the best places/neighbourhoods in London.

My daughter is thriving after 3 weeks at a small private primary, she’s so so happy.

She really struggles with change, slow to make friends and we were dreading school. she struggles in big groups, noise, any shouting from adults. The state primaries round us are really great but they have 90 kids in reception and they all mix most of the day. She wouldn’t have coped very well at all.

Instead in a small nurturing environment she’s so confident and happy and even wants to do all the school clubs (I’ve never before managed to get her to go to a club like dance or gym etc as she’s always hated it)

We are incredibly glad that we made this decision for her. But her friends are also happy at the state primaries nearby, they don’t have any of the same issues as DD though. The only thing is they all seem extremely tired and don’t want to do anything after school whereas DD doesn’t seem to be but no idea why that is really! They also took longer to settle, contrary to what we thought DD settled after the first day, no tears, bursting out of school to tell us all about it.

Really depends on the school, the child, their age.

DD was badly bullied in a prep school and we vowed never again but she wanted to go to a private 6th form and so far is having the time of her life. The two schools are chalk and cheese in terms of caring about the children's wellbeing.

The right state school could be a happy place too if it's a good one. (We don't have any good ones in catchment.)

I believe my son is, although he's never been in the state sector - he's only in Year 1. But he's autistic, has ADHD, and has severe anxiety. The school looks after him wonderfully and he absolutely loves it. He is in a tiny class (less than half the size of the local state primary) and I think he needs that to feel comfortable. So yes, I'd say he's a million times happier there than he would be elsewhere and I am so grateful we could send him there.

Bear in mind he's got SEN. Other kids obviously thrive in the local state primary- it's got a reputation as a really excellent school.

I am a teacher and a parent of three DC. If you want your DC to be happy at school, I genuinely believe that the best start is for them to find a like-minded group of friends. I'm not talking intelligence or social class or any other demographic factor, just a group of children who they are comfortable and get on well with. If this happens, everything else will follow (enjoyment of school, happiness, academic success). So, to answer your question, I think private/state school choice makes no difference about happiness at school. Unless you think that your DC will have difficulty integrating with a general/diverse population, there's no reason to think they'll be happier in a private school.

I do think they are massively happier for it. 30 in a class for a ASD kid with sensory issues is just unpleasant and not conducive to learning at all.

No, they aren’t. Most of them are fine, many of them are absolutely fantastic. At secondary level it very much depends on the intake and the school leadership - some are indeed shit, but some state schools send more children to Oxbridge than Eton does (my old community sixth form college is ranked 8th in the country for Oxbridge offers, way above most independent schools).

You get a minority of posters on here who need smelling salts at the very idea of their little darlings mixing with oiks, who seem to think state schools are like Lord of the Flies despite never having set foot in one. Equally you get other posters here who think all private schools are like Eton, when most are obviously nothing like that.

My older 2 are at a prep/senior and so happy. The 14 year old is so measured, enthusiastic and un teenage like, it’s disconcerting 😂😂. The younger one, she is 9 and super happy at her state primary and exceeding so we are keeping her there and adding in to fill the gaps.

you won’t regret it, worth every penny x

Make sure it's the right school. Mine were happy until secondary. After too long, we moved them and they have never been happier. In hindsight their first school wasn't right for them despite having a good reputation and being fairly local. They absolutely love school now and I wish I'd moved them earlier. My youngest gets more of a benefit as she will have longer where she is now. They are very similar children so where they are suits them both.

The extra-curricular activities, especially the sport, and opportunities they have had throughout private school wouldn't have been available to them at state and they/we have made good friends.

Too many variables…

My DC are happy at their school but I don’t believe it’s purely because I pay fees. They are happy because they are at a school which nurtures and supports them, encourages them to do the best they can while celebrating their peers. They have lots of opportunities for other activities and sport. My younger DC would coast if given the option but is pushed further because they are very capable

Is this possible in the state sector? Absolutely but not at every state school.

This school gives me the childcare I need to work and further my career which has made me a happier (and better) parent. The state equivalent didn’t provide this

My next door neighbour’s 7yr old recently moved from private to state. She was very unhappy in her private school. She is much happier now, class of 30 from class of 7.

This is a bit of a pointless question as you can never experience the alternative with the same child. You can tell if they are happy but not happier.

My daughter was bullied at state and not at private so much happier.

My sons are at state and not bullied and they are also happy.

Not sure what that tells you tbh =)

I asked mine (now grown) if they were glad they went or would they rather have gone to the large local (crappy at the time) state school where a number of their friends were. They said no regrets they preferred the smaller private. They went to the state primary and were glad they did that first. Not that any of that means anything to other children.

Yes my daughter loves her school and is very happy there

Exactly. Mine is blissfully happy in a really lovely nurturing state primary, but would probably be similarly happy in many nurturing private schools. Definitely wouldn’t be happy in a hothouse prep (clever but huge perfectionist and quite anxious about doing well and making his teacher happy). Also wouldn’t be happy in a state school with a lot of disruptive kids or bullying, but that’s not really something you see much of at primary level these days, at least not locally (I accept it is a problem in many secondaries).

I went to a very academically pressured convent school, and absolutely thrived on being pushed. DS definitely wouldn’t. I also definitely wouldn’t be happy with him doing the amount of homework that I was doing at his age (two hours a night aged 8). All kids are different.

My DDs are at a selective private school and they both hate it. The younger one has been bullied and is utterly miserable - and the school faffs and obfuscates and won’t do anything about it for fear of losing any sets of fees. So it very much depends on the school!

If course they aren’t. They vary hugely. I’ve had kids in both sectors at primary and secondary. One was unhappy at private prep and happier at state, one adored his excellent state school and o couldn’t have bought him a better education and one loved prep and private sixth form and didn’t love the state school. She’s autistic and needed the pastoral care of the private school.

I think its very difficult to answer. There is no guarantee of happiness in either and it really depends upon lots of factors, your child's personality, their needs, the teachers, the classmates and the school itself. What I do know is if it isn't working you can change things.
My son is almost 4 with a high functioning ASD profile. We are abroad and in the last 12 months he has moved from creche to a montessori preschool, to a small English preschool and now finally an International preschool. What we learned is that the montessori school was the wrong setting with zero pastoral support and in the space of 4 months DS became miserable, withdrawn and a school refuser. Why? Because he is was overwhelmed in a big class, not enough supervision, a couple of bullies, his native language was not widely spoken, the set up was too rigid, no toys, school only wanted NT kids etc. We moved him to the small English preschool & saw him immediately change, he was happy again, thriving. Why? Because he was in class with 2 teachers and more often than not less than 10 kids, a personalised approach - weekly teaching themes related to child's interests, passionate teachers (privately owned business), lovely classmates and parents, visibly learning something new every day. It was incredible. Unfortunately they only provide teaching for kids at preschool age so we had to move him to the international school where he is now and which he loves. Honestly, its a mixed bag. We moved him there because they welcome SEN students & have onsite psychologists, occupational therapists and all the pastoral support. I instantly knew when i wemt to visit it that he would be happy there - amazing playground, big classrooms, lovely teachers, amazing facilities and huge array of extracurricular support, forest area etc - focus on outdoor play. On the one hand I have a huge sense of relief knowing my DS is happy, not refusing school, accessing mainstream education without any intervention at present, making friends and I would pay for it no matter what it costs. But we felt we had no choice but to send our son here because of his ASD diagnosis and knowing that state schools here do not have adequate SEN provision and our DS would not cope well in an environment not in his native language. I don't love his current school, i'm not convinced on it long term but I know its the best place for my son right now.
My advice is - you know your child best, visit the school get a feel for it, what environment does your child need to thrive. And if it doesn't work out, you can always change things.

My DS has had an overwhelmingly positive experience in pre prep/prep and now Senior school. There are so many opportunities for music, art, drama and sport and the facilities are amazing. He has a great friendship group, and there are very very few disruptive pupils so learning in small classes is fun and interactive.

I think he will look back on his school days with a huge amount of positivity and pride, so for that alone, it’s been worth every penny.