If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

Yep so I have one in year 10 state school and one just started y7 private.

Y10 in state is a high flyer, conscientious learner, stable group of friends etc and wouldn't have gone elsewhere if we'd offered. Her school is a large secondary, part of a multi academy trust. They're very strict, (sometimes about ridiculous things) and I don't think particularly supportive to any children who don't fit the mould. DD is fairly happy, and is achieving there, but I wouldn't say it's arming her with a love of learning. i think she'll do well in GCSEs.

Y7 in private needs more help, isn't as self sufficient, and had friends at primary school, but wasn't as settled in friendship groups as his sister.

So far (3 weeks in) he seems very happy, has made friends and we are finding the slightly more nurturing environment of his new school welcoming. It's very early days, but I'm feeling positive about it.

We have kids with behavioural issues at our school too, but being sensitive kind and calm doesn't mean you can't handle them, infact it helps.

He’s been there since preschool, in reception now, but he’s loud boisterous happy popular and engaged. I know he wouldn’t have been at state school because he has adhd and would probably have been written off as disruptive and attention seeking like many adhd boys do: the smaller class sizes really help him.

I'm happy your state school is good. Ours isn't, not because of the teachers but because there are so many students with behaviourial problems (not SEN) who rule the school.

My kids are sensitive, kind and calm, and thrive in state school.

Mine has never been in state so I'm not sure whether he would have been ok or not.

But, he's a sensitive soul who I thought would benefit from a calmer more nurturing environment. I went to look around our local state when he was in nursery and it was bloody loud, chaotic, numerous children being taken out of classes to take their rage out in a padded room etc. I knew it wasn't for him (or us)

He has always been very content at prep, it just suits him. I'm not paying for stellar grades, I'm paying for the environment and his happiness.

This is true
It wasn't so much that I thought my DC would be happy at Private but I was pretty sure that they wouldn't be happy at the only State option we had for various reasons - and it wasn't an assumption I know the State school very well and even took advice on it from staff there who know my DC

I think it depends a lot on your state options.

There are schools where competent clever kids are ignored because the trouble makers take up so much air and school chasing league tables where struggling children are sidelined also the unicorn schools that meet everyone’s needs. Most kids are happy at private schools because their parents have chosen one that works for them.

This. Every single word.

This is so sad to read. If there’s one time we should be nurturing, guiding and giving attention, it is childhood. I don’t want my young child to be forced to learn resilience through fighting for teacher’s attention over disruptive children. I don’t want them to be strong because they overcame others teasing or bullying them because they are bright and want to learn what is being taught.

Small classes with adult attention is what EVERY child should have. They should all be nurtured and encouraged to do their best and treated like they are important. We are all brainwashed into believing that sticking them in a huge class of 30 and forcing a curriculum on them is the way forward

Resilience will still come if they are secure and cared for.

I just want her to be as happy as possible. Would private be more likely to achieve that than state?

I don't think it's possible to say that either sector is more likely to achieve happiness than the other. The one thing that you definitely do improve if you can pay for private is the ability to choose. That means that you are more likely to be able to pick a school that suits your child, whether that is state or private. It also means that you are more likely to be able to find a good alternative for a child who is miserable, or being failied, in the school where they are. As a result, you are likely to find lots of parents who do say that they have managed to find a private school that makes their child happier than their previous state school, but that's largely because they've been able to choose the school rather than simply because it's private. Of course, some of the factors that make some children happier are more likely to be found in private schools (small classes, lots of sport/music etc) but the converse is also true of some childen and some state schools (local schools with good links to community etc). Fundamentally I would say it's about being able to find the best environment for your child rather than deciding that one sector is better than the other.

I also had a friend who wasn't wealthy but got a scholarship place at private school and was really unhappy the whole time because she was so conscious how different her home life was.

It depends on the child /school
I went to private school originally and hated it, all the children were really avaricious and competitive.
My parent's were wealthy but not into "keeping up with the Jones's" and I just didn't share the same values as my peers. The atmosphere was pretty toxic and whoever's dad was richest was "queen bee".

I went to a state grammar and was much happier and found friendship group who shared the same values.

@Chipsintheair I do agree with you. My high school in the 90s was rubbish in the sense of there were disruptive kids, some teachers were not great and there was bullying. I 'survived' and went on to do A levels and university. I too massively worried about the same for my DC so I moved to an area with outstanding/good state schools. The same school I went to had a massive refurb in the noughties and is amazing (got rid of the rubbish headteacher too) and I always joke to my DC about what it used to be like. However, my main point is, yes I am lucky to now live in an area with good state schools but from some attitudes here it gives the impression that all state schools are rife with disruption and bullying which gives some parents with no option to pay, a false feeling of anxiety and that they're doing a massive disservice to their kids.
If I can't afford a Ferrari but can only afford a VW I am not gonna stress and fret that I really want a Ferrari. Instead I will see that there are great VW options, good and bad, and do my best to find the right one that suits me without tarnishing all with the same brush. (And yes I realise comparing education to a car is crap but there you go 😂).

The happiest adults I know are the ones who had supportive and engaged parents and who went to comprehensive schools where they did well.

So I think that private school might increase a child's happiness (or future happiness) if they are not thriving in a particular state school, but that equally, private schools can come with pressures and expectations which can lead to unhappiness in a child who would be very happy in a state school.

There isn't a one size fits all for schooling. There are some terrible state schools and some terrible private schools around. Some in both sectors that place a huge emphasis on wellbeing, and some that have a sink or swim attitude. Staff from most of my closest independent schools have been imprisoned in recent years for sexually assaulting pupils, as have staff from some of the states schools. Choice of school can definitely have an influence on a child's happiness, but the right (or wrong) school for a child might need found in either sector. These things can even go completely against what you worked expect - DD is thriving in a large anonymous sixth form college where she is responsible for herself in a way that she didn't in a school environment where she was more closely known and monitored.

Yes, definitely - she has ADHD and mental health issues. Only moved because of the smaller class sizes - moved knowing it was likely she would have lower grades than if she had of stayed in her grammar school but preferred her to be happy and feel under less pressure.
Yes, there are private schools that push their kids for top grades - but there are also private schools who value a child's mental health over and above grades so look for one of these.

“Resilient” being “masking their sensory overload and ADHD/autism until they hit burnout”?

I don’t want my child to become resilient through bullying, excessive noise and their school being unable to accommodate their disability.

Private schools gather up and nurture many children who state schools fail to support. That’s not necessarily the state schools fault - they don’t have the funding, staff or resources to handle the more extreme ends of the ‘normal’ curve.

It would be far better to have many different models of state school and enough variety and free choice that we can actually access them, but the government needs to built that proactively. I wont sacrifice my child to someone else’s ideology.

Yes, he's much happier. The school can support him in certain areas where he excels (things like being in older classes and weekly lessons 1-2-1 with the head of the subject). Our friends have a similar kid and he's so bored at school.

He also excels at a sport and half his club get bullied at their state schools for doing it and don't admit to it. At his school his classmates are proud of him for it.

Second born is still young and a very different animal so not sure it'll have quite the same benefits in terms of happiness for him.

Are you asking whether money can buy happiness? No. My children are at private school. They are happy. The two things are completely unrelated. They could be miserable in a different private school, happy in a state school. This is a ridiculous question

This.

It's quite amusing the number of posters who've said their dc is 'happier' in private even though they've never been in state though. Or insist that they just know they wouldn't have been happy in state 😂

My children are happy at their private school because it suits them.
your question is too general - it s not about whether or not a child is happier because said child is in a private school.
it is whether or not the school you have chosen is the right fit.

for us, the small class sizes and the extra curriculars and specialist teaching were our priority. They are happy.
my eldest has overgrown her school now so we re looking at a different 6th form and she completely a part of the decision process - it is likely to be another private school.

visit lots of schools, talk to the parents, be there at drop off and pick up times and observe the children and the teachers interaction. And you know what, it doesnt kill a child to change school so if you ve made a mistake find another school and it s OK.

@Chipsintheair

But...I went to a private school and hated it, but I know I never would have survived the state school the council allocated me to. My sister went to a "good" state school and killed herself. Most of my friends who went to state schools are on disability benefits for depression and anxiety caused by the violence and bullying they experienced and witness

I am very sorry about your sister. Thats extremely sad.
I'm shocked that 'most' of your state school friends are on disability benefits due to being state schooled. That sounds completely unbelievable. I can't think of one of my kids friends or former classmates who aren't working. Where abouts do you live (roughly)

My four kids ended up moving from private schools to state schools in the UK, the choose to go to state schools ( comprehensive schools) and could have switched at any time. I suggested switching for A'levels but they didn't want to.
All preferred the state schools.
The things they didn't like about their private schools were some of the teachers were very poor. There was fravourtism towards kids of alumni and the super wealthy kids, there were outdated and pompous rituals and there was a general message of elitism that is not ok.
They also had some amazing teachers and lots of great friends. They enjoyed school but still preferred to switch to the local comp when we moved. It was a nice local comp and it was a few minutes from our house which was a big draw. My kids were all academic so weren't hindered by going to the comp. I think they would have probably got an extra grade here and there if they had stayed at private school but nothing that stopped them doing what they wanted.

I hated my private school, but would have hated any school, as I'm not a school person!

However, I'm very glad I went, as I still have close friends I met there, there was no bullying, the classes were small (25 in a class) and the range of subjects on offer was better than most state schools at the time. Three separate sciences rather than combined, Latin, ancient Greek, a range of modern languages, a lot of art and music, brilliant literature teaching, and so on.

I think the main differences are the range of subjects (however, I have found a local state school for my DC that offers separate sciences, Latin and ancient Greek), smaller classes, and selective intake meaning students are supposedly more academic (at my school there were lots of rich students who weren't very bright, do not sure the selection means much tbh). My DC's state school has streaming from year 7 and has similarly-sized classes, so we're lucky, but many of the local state schools we visited clearly didn't have the resources or had much more focus on disruptive children and cookery lessons etc. for non-academic children (which might be great for some, but not if you're aiming for an academic career).

My main worries about state schools are knife crime (if a school has knife detectors at the gates and security guards on site, that's a major red flag) and the lack of funds and resources and stress the teachers are under.

I don't think private schools are automatically better, just they have more resources.

State school teachers are deelly dedicated and deserve a lot better conditions and respect.

But...I went to a private school and hated it, but I know I never would have survived the state school the council allocated me to. My sister went to a "good" state school and killed herself. Most of my friends who went to state schools are on disability benefits for depression and anxiety caused by the violence and bullying they experienced and witness.

My sister's school included gangs, guns, knives and broken limbs, and that was the school academics and politicians sent their children to, the middle class choice.

If schools have genuinely changed since the 90s, they need to advertise and give evidence of this before those of us traumatised by the state system are prepared to risk our children's health and happiness, even lives, sending them there.

Mine are very happy. I don’t know of happier than state as I can’t compare.

I went to state and was pretty unhappy, but it doesn’t follow that they would be. However the state options near us are particularly poor (make the news headlines level of bad) so I would guess they are probably happier than they would be if they went to these schools as both teachers and staff equally seem dissatisfied.