If you dc is at a private school, do you genuinely think…

There’s bullying at every school, private and state. I’d always be suspicious of a school that says it doesn’t have any bullying.

As I said, I don’t for a second believe state school results in unhappiness. Exposure to DV and addiction are not the only things that make a childhood unhappy or lead to poor MH. Everyone has different limits on what they consider as traumatic and something as simple as school being overwhelming can trigger a child and have a lifelong impact.

We all know our own child best and what is likely to be the best outcome for them. I just don’t agree that giving them a chunk of cash is superior to spending it on their childhood. In my eyes, spending it (appropriately) on their childhood will result in a child with a good base and earning potential which will stay with them for life. We can always make more money if we have the basis from a young age

@CreateUserNames I get that, what I’m interested in is what your dc’s school did so well to guide in personal development, not just knowledge.

We don’t have a good enough state choice to go to, so we opted for private. If you have a great state school to go to then that’s a good thing, esp if your ds already doing well.

Agree. Someone upthread described how their ‘quiet, sensitive and calm’ child would have been ‘broken’ at a state school. My child was/is like this and has in no way been broken. He’s thrived if anything. He’s 17 btw.
What this thread does tell you is that MN definitely skews towards the better off going by the number of replies.

Our kids have had a wonderful time at their school - I consider it money well spent.
But, our state options are dire. It all depends what your alternatives are.

@morechocolateneededtoday of course a happy childhood is key but just because they go to state school doesn't mean they will be unhappy. And presumably OP isn't willingly exposing her children to traumatic environments and they aren't being bought up in a DV or addictive household in which case their chances of not developing MH issues (outside of genetics) is good. The vast majority of children have a great time at state Primary. Secondary school is trickier.

Perhaps it would be better for the OP to go state till Secondary and keep a chunk of money for supporting DC to financial stability later in life

I could not disagree with the ‘only 13 years of your life’ more. Those that experience trauma in their childhood - for whatever reason - are much more likely to go onto develop MH conditions as an adult. They form 95% of the patient cohort I treat. Suddenly developing MH difficulties on the back of a happy, supportive childhood is far less common

I am not for a single second suggesting that anyone needs fees for private education in order for their child to be happy. As the posts above show, positive and negative outcomes occur in both sectors. But the greatest gift you can give your child is as happier childhood as possible - it is far more valuable than any financial gift.

Or you see if you can do both. In any event, 13 years of school is about 1/6 of a persons life - and will be more for a significant number. (it’s also about 1/5 of what you will actually have any memory of).

It’s worth maximising happiness and opportunity during that time.

Those 13 years are absolutely formative though.

They maybe happier at private school but that is only 13 years of their life.

If you took the cost of the fees and saved it in an account with a decent interest rate by the end of that 13 years you would have a very sizeable chunk which could lead to lifelong financial security if they buy a home outright. That would lead to less stress and overall happiness for their entire lives.

Yes of course, and I'm sorry they had that difficult time. Just giving my own experience. Of course it's all anecdotal and everyone has their own story of what worked for them or didn't, for multiple reasons.

Well done to your dd. Four got into Oxbridge from our local state, but that doesn't change the fact it was a miserable place for my dc.

My state school educated daughter excelled throughout her school career, got all As, and is now at St Andrews which is up there with Oxbridge as one of the UK's best (and hardest to get into). She also has lots of friends and extracurricular activities, including drama, in which she's also done really well.

Not to sound like I'm bragging, but just to illustrate that state school education has done her no harm whatsoever and indeed has been a great thing.

Can you elaborate a bit on that please? What did their school do so well and how do you know they wouldn’t have got similar guidance in state school?

our ds has just excelled at his GCSEs and chosen to stay at his state Sixth form where there are a huge amount of opportunities available. I did look at some private schools for sixth form but as our closest is far too small (unable to field sports teams) he would have had to board and drop one if his favourite hobbies. To be honest there was nothing that stood out about any of the privates that I looked at, and in most cases a smaller choice of subjects. Perhaps I missed a key aspect - the guidance in personal development, but the schools certainly didn’t highlight this as a particular strength of theirs or key difference to his current school.

"Are state schools that bad in UK?"

The one my children go to isn't, you'd think it was Beirut reading this thread sometimes 🤣.

This is kind of a silly question OP. Kids can be happy or sad regardless of their school. I went to a prestigious private school with some of the meanest girls I’ve ever known. All my friends were from the local state school. some of the kids in my year have turned out to be some of the most screwed up and miserable people I know. My DH went to a prestigious boys private school where there was rampant sexual abuse (one teacher currently serving a 15 year sentence) and was bullied mercilessly. Admittedly it has negatively affected our view of private schools.

I chose to send my 2 to a good state school. Are they happy? Yes, as happy as you can expect 2 teenagers to be. Would they be happier in private? Who knows? Would the sacrifices we would have to make as a family to send them private increase or decrease their happiness? We would have to work longer hours so less time together, we would not be able to travel as much so less opportunity to see the world. They would probably have more academic pressure - seeing them being pushed to do well academically might make me happy as a paying parent but my kids less happy. Happiness is multi faceted and entirely subjective therefore the whole thing is nonsensical.

I know several men who were raped repeatedly at private school growing up. By teachers or fellow students. They are all alcoholics, all have failed marriages.

I can't extrapolate from that to assume everyone who went to private school had that experience

I live in London, but my friends I was referring to who are affected by their state school experiences grew up in various areas: Devon, Wales, Leeds, Manchester, Sussex and some in other areas of London.

@iamtheblcksheep
My 3 children all go to state schools, 2 of them in secondary and they are never, ever rude to teachers and never will be! Neither are any of their friends or most of their peers in general! You get the odd kid who is rude/disruptive but there is usually a back story to this. It's a large secondary too not a cosy rural one if they even exist. I think threads like these give state schools a bad name but I honestly don't have a bad word to say about ours - the teachers are amazing and many have been teaching there for 30 odd years - they're not leaving to teach at Private schools!

I wasn't happy at private school because it just wasn't a good fit for me

The children still were capable of bullying (I wasn't bullied but a close friend was bullied badly by some mean girls). The teachers at my state school were much nicer (and better teachers by and large too).

I had plenty of opportunity for nice food at home and thrived once I was at a state school (topped up by tutors, music lessons, sailing lessons and horse riding). Got into Cambridge and got a highly sought after career.

My brother went to private school and was probably happier there but he switched to state for sixth form (just because they had the subject combo he wanted) and was shocked that there wasn't the pervasive drugs problem that there had been at his private school.

My youngest brother refused to go to private because he didn't like the longer journey. he had a huge group of friends, got on really well with his teachers and never once questioned his choice. He's the most successful of the three of us. Both nationally successful in his chosen sport and professionally phenomenally successful.

It's just not a binary. I would send my children to private if I felt they weren't thriving but a the moment they are really happy at school, and we have heaps of spare money for hobbies, holidays and saving for house deposits for them.

I agree its a privilege to have the full range of choices, but the right choice won't always be private. Round here private schools are either very much non-academic (and my children are very bright) or are in the centre of cities with an unpleasant journey by train or road to get there

This is purely anecdotal, I have no experience myself of private schools, but one of DD's friends went for a year, hated it and begged to be allowed back to her old state school (which she did do, was extremely successful, and is now at a top uni with my DD).

Yep I was the same in sixth form. It was such a relief not to have any pressure from the teachers to be perfect, and to have people in my class who liked the same music and clothes as me and weren’t just horse-mad.

Private parents are paying for education instead of taking up a free place for a multitude of reasons. People like to think it's because of snobbery or to gain academic advantage but the most common reason is for their child's happiness. It's perhaps the hardest one to bear because it's not an option for so many people. It's only common sense really that children would be happier in a school with huge amounts of resource and a rich extracurricular offering. Children need to move their bodies and private schools in general offer all kinds of sports, forest school (for all ages), swimming multiple times a week etc. They provide a far more nutritious lunch and snacks. They provide less stressed teachers who get longer holidays and smaller classes who can actually focus on the emotional development of their classes. They aren't stuck in crowd control mode. If a child isn't happy at a private school or that school is badly run the parents vote with their feet.

Ofcourse you can handle them. That's what my DS did in state elementary. But come secondary and I wish for him to be focused on learning rather than dealing with rude kids who disturbs the lessons with shitty behaviour and lack of respect towards the teachers and other students. But each to their own.