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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to wash my clothes with his streaky underwear

107 replies

Safirexx · 25/09/2024 09:23

My DH has a very relaxed attitude to leaving poo streaks in his underwear. It gives me the ick, and early on in our marriage it did upset me to be responsible for washing them and seeing all the streaks.

I told him this and asked him if he could please do his underwear himself and do it separately from the rest of the wash. (Or do a better job of not leaving streaks - up to him really.) I just don't like the idea of my clothes being washed in water that has poo in it.

As DS (16/ SEND) got older and does much the same, I showed DS how to wash his own underwear using bio detergent, and told him to add his dad's at the same time.

All was working well and I didn't even check anybody's underwear and felt much better about the state of the laundry generally.

However I've noticed recently a load of washing that had my clothes and DH's underwear all mixed in. It's very nice of DH to do my washing but I don't expect him to, and it's definitely hard to feel grateful when I think about my clothes being contaminated by his pants. 🤢

I don't know what the science is about this and wondered whether Mumsnetters would have a view.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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Cherrysoup · 29/09/2024 20:18

If he’s as neat and tidy as you say, @Safirexx have you confronted him with a pair of his disgusting underwear and told him to clean himself better? I can’t believe an adult would be so uncaring.

Brobdingnagian · 29/09/2024 20:12

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGd1Used2/

Josephinesnapoleon · 25/09/2024 18:05

Gloriia · 25/09/2024 17:59

'Thanks to those who have suggested gastric health issues - something to explore'

I don't think any gastric issues would cause this.

While I admire your wish to keep this a laundry issue it really does go deeper. He has poor personal hygiene and that is not ok. As a pp said you need to get a bidet or a bidet attachment and you need to tell him soiled underwear in a grown, NT man is not ok. Good luck.

If he was faecally incontinet to an extent it would. I don’t think anything else would.

Josephinesnapoleon · 25/09/2024 18:04

Oh cmon, you’d noth know if he had gastric issues, and yes you’re asking your kid to wash his fathers shitty pants. No one should touch them apart from your disgusting husband,

how can you have sex with him, or even sleep beside him. I’m no hygiene freak. But I couldn’t even look at my husband if he was walking about with his own shit on him.

Deadringer · 25/09/2024 18:04

Surely he must smell?

Gloriia · 25/09/2024 17:59

'Thanks to those who have suggested gastric health issues - something to explore'

I don't think any gastric issues would cause this.

While I admire your wish to keep this a laundry issue it really does go deeper. He has poor personal hygiene and that is not ok. As a pp said you need to get a bidet or a bidet attachment and you need to tell him soiled underwear in a grown, NT man is not ok. Good luck.

Thistooshallpass24 · 25/09/2024 15:04

Send him a link to this thread........
Or the family WhatsApp

TamborineGal · 25/09/2024 14:51

Skiddy pants ????
Straight in the bin or in the post to His Mother to wash.
Lazy, uncaring men

Original poster
Safirexx · 25/09/2024 14:39

Rubyupbeat · 25/09/2024 13:58

Blimey, there is no excuse or need to have poo streaked underwear. The fact you are also being so relaxed about your son doing the same is awful.

I’m not at all relaxed - resigned maybe. If I was relaxed I wouldn’t be canvassing robust responses from a bunch of strangers on the internet, I assure you! I don’t know what I can do to change things apart from what I’ve already done. The separate wash solution really has been a last resort - and neither of them appears to mind doing it.

I’d also like to say there’s no question of punishing DS/ making him do a job I don’t want to do etc. We’ve taught everyone in the household to take some responsibility for their own laundry. I stopped trying to keep track of DS’s underwear years ago and told him he was in charge of making sure he had clean ones - I don’t think that is too much to expect from a teenager when it’s a matter of pressing a few buttons on a machine. So it was more like - since you’re doing a separate wash anyway and it might be a small one, add your dad’s at the same time to make a fuller load. His SEN issues explain why he might struggle but he’s more than capable of doing basic self care.

Again - DH does all his own laundry. Probably does DS’s as well. I don’t require anyone to do mine, I take care of it and don’t ever want DH to mix mine up with his and just wondered whether it was reasonable to feel this way seeing as DH doesn’t seem to get why I do. If he did, he wouldn’t be putting my clothes in with the very things I’ve asked him to wash separately, would he? When I’ve specifically asked him not to? That’s something to think about maybe - but I will do that away from this thread, I think!

Thanks to those who have suggested gastric health issues - something to explore.

Relationship comments are noted and I won’t be responding to those or clarifying but again, thanks for them all.

OP posts:
Scirocco · 25/09/2024 14:38

Barring medical grounds, it's unacceptable for a grown man to be unwilling to wipe his own arse.

Give him a book on toilet training. If that doesn't work, give him divorce papers.

StoneTheCrone · 25/09/2024 14:35

This is bringing back horrible memories.

I dated someone once when I was early thirties and after spending a couple of months getting to know each other, he booked a Cornish hotel for a weekend so that we could do the deed.

After the first night, i woke up in the morning to hear him say he was just getting up to make coffee, he pulled back the covers, got up, went to the tea making area and on the bed were poo streaks where he'd sat. I peered over the edge and there were his crud covered pants in a heap on the floor. Grim doesnt cover it. I feigned a migraine for the following night and then finished with him when we got back.

OP, your husband needs a bum gun and lessons in hygiene.

Rubyupbeat · 25/09/2024 13:58

Blimey, there is no excuse or need to have poo streaked underwear. The fact you are also being so relaxed about your son doing the same is awful.

Original poster
Safirexx · 25/09/2024 13:45

AAudreyHorne · 25/09/2024 09:49

I was feeling really sad about my marriage breakdown this morning.

But your thread has just reminded me that I no longer have to deal with my STBXH disgusting poo streaked undies anymore, and suddenly I feel better.

Thank you OP.

Edited

I sense the irony, but am also glad anything has made you feel better about your situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Safirexx · 25/09/2024 13:43

Nagatha · 25/09/2024 12:10

Wish I hadn't decided to open this thread with my lunch

Sorry! I'd have thought the thread title would be enough of a clue though.

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 25/09/2024 13:29

A washing machine is to clean dirty clothes etc.

Washing his underwear with yours won't male yours dirty. If it does, you need a new machine

Why do you expect your son to handle your husbands dirty pants but you refuse?

Seems ridiculous to have extra wash loads going because you think dirty clothes going into a machine don't get clean.

The biggest problem is the fact that a grown man and a 16 year old can't wipe their bottoms properly

Summertimer · 25/09/2024 13:24

2boyzNosleep · 25/09/2024 12:56

OP this response doesn't make any sense to the post you quoted.

Anyway, your clothes aren't going to be contaminated by skidmarks. It would be different if his underwear was filled with shit. As long as you know how to actually do laundry so that everything comes out clean (everyone has different opinions) then mixing is not a problem. Personally, I wash everything at 40C with powder, on a long wash.

I know you said in another post you weren't asking for advice about DH hygiene, just about the washing, but if he cleaned his arsehole, this wouldn't be an issue.

Unless he has some sort of chonic IBD, then there's really no excuse. He is not cleaning his crack properly, and may even be scratching his arse as well.

Show quote history

Scratching is forbidden too 🤣 in a peak Mumsnet situation comedy

Cattery · 25/09/2024 13:09

Deadringer · 25/09/2024 12:23

His standards of cleanliness are not better than yours, he is tidy and organised (aside from his own arse) which is not cleanliness. He is filthy!

Show quote history

🤣 Beggars belief doesn’t it

2boyzNosleep · 25/09/2024 12:56

Safirexx · 25/09/2024 10:41

Maybe I didn't make it clear that I DO do my own washing. I'm not sure how my clothes ended up in his wash and I can only assume he needed to make up a load and didn't mind doing some of my laundry for me - part of why I say he clearly takes a more relaxed attitude to this than I do.

Show quote history

OP this response doesn't make any sense to the post you quoted.

Anyway, your clothes aren't going to be contaminated by skidmarks. It would be different if his underwear was filled with shit. As long as you know how to actually do laundry so that everything comes out clean (everyone has different opinions) then mixing is not a problem. Personally, I wash everything at 40C with powder, on a long wash.

I know you said in another post you weren't asking for advice about DH hygiene, just about the washing, but if he cleaned his arsehole, this wouldn't be an issue.

Unless he has some sort of chonic IBD, then there's really no excuse. He is not cleaning his crack properly, and may even be scratching his arse as well.

Fastback · 25/09/2024 12:49

But why is the H’s pants regularly full of shit?! WHY?! What is wrong with him??

MyLifeMyChoices · 25/09/2024 12:38

I wash my small children’s on a 15 mins cycle if they haven’t wiped properly etc and then add the full load and do a proper cycle.

Without getting in to they why’s of it all this system could be a better balance for you.

Summertimer · 25/09/2024 12:26

Deadringer · 25/09/2024 12:23

His standards of cleanliness are not better than yours, he is tidy and organised (aside from his own arse) which is not cleanliness. He is filthy!

Show quote history

I’d call it relatively normal standards of cleanliness. People who say they wash themselves after having a poo are definitely going a bit too far

WandaFishy99 · 25/09/2024 12:25

If my DH didn't clean himself enough and left poo on his undies, I would go absolutely crazy! It disgusting! A grown man can't even wipe his bum! I can't believe you take it so calmly. I couldn't live with a filthy pig like that.

Deadringer · 25/09/2024 12:23

Safirexx · 25/09/2024 11:01

Thank you. Having a child with SEN seems to be an unimaginable experience for those who don't.

Tbh DH's standards of cleanliness are off the charts better than mine, he's neat and tidy, picks up after me and the kids, very organised, manages his own laundry perfectly as well as the household linen - it's just this one thing, believe it or not. Which is why my solution was just to separate the offending articles. I can't understand it.

Show quote history

His standards of cleanliness are not better than yours, he is tidy and organised (aside from his own arse) which is not cleanliness. He is filthy!

Deadringer · 25/09/2024 12:20

What a dickhead! His ds with SEN wishes his shitty pants for him, really? If it was me I would say DH LEARN TO CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ARSE PROPERLY! AND DONT TOUCH MY FUCKING CLOTHES, OR ME, UNTIL YOU DO!

nOasistickets · 25/09/2024 12:15

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