To think DH should pay for DSC school fees

No fees should be split between parents not step parents.

Surely how long you'd been together, and whether he'd been part of the decision would be a biggest factors?

If you'd gotten together when the kid was 2, had combined finances when they were still a young child, had chosen together that a private secondary school would be best, if he'd raised them as his own, and they called him dad, then split up when they were 14, yeah, I'd expect the commitment to continue.
Similarly if you'd gotten together and each had young children, and his were at private school, and you'd chosen together for yours to go there too, then that would probably also sway me to say yes.

If they'd already been at the school before you got together, you'd not been together long, the child and stepdad didn't have a relationship, or you'd chosen to send them and agreed you'd fund it, then no, I wouldn't expect him to fund it after a split.

No to both. Parents are responsible for their own children & the costs relating to their education. If you're living together as a family then maybe the school fees come out the joint household pot but if you separate definitely not.

It doesn't, because in reality the ex has a different approach to Xmas to us and will regularly spend upwards of £1k each on just presents for one child. In fact SD used to end up with so many presents that a lot of them never get opened and sit in the box until she's outgrown them.

SD is very young for her age though and her Mum won't buy anything that she doesn't consider age appropriate, so SD puts the more grown up stuff on the list for her Mum and also gets a load of stuff she didn't ask for and doesn't use, and then the more childish stuff on our list and we buy it her.

So it works out they both get everything they want and I don't think DD misses having piles of boxes to unwrap and then discard.

It's an interesting hypothetical.

If I had been with someone whose children had lived with me 50% and whom, as a family, we had put through private school from age 5-15. And then we split at age 15 and they had a year left, I would like to think hypothetically I'd have the relationship with that child to pay 25% of their final year fees i.e. 50% of the 50% we had paid as a family if it meant they would otherwise have to leave.

A man will pay for step kids only if he really likes their mother and wants to never lose her. Apparently he is happy to see her go. I am sure he will pay for his kids only

No, I don't think that they should pay for step children. But, if they decide to, they should keep paying. It's not the children's fault the relationship broke down.

That's great if it does work out equal overall. I assume your DH has discussed this with his ex?

My ex refuses to discuss it with me, won't contribute to "big" purchases. I don't have a huge budget, so my DC did get less overall. It's also all part of a bigger picture. Their dad would cancel his contact, often after he was due to pick them up, for reasons such as "we've gone on a family holiday/day trip" making it clear they weren't part of the family.

Well, when my daughter came along, I was chatting to SD about Christmas gifts and she said something to the effect of that DD was getting more money spent on her. I said yes, because we get half of your presents and your Mum gets the other half, whereas we get all of DD's presents. She said, "Oh yeh, that makes sense, so we still get the same amount of presents overall."

She didn't assume her Dad loved her less, she understood that it wouldn't be fair for DD to always get half the amount of birthday and Xmas presents.

It's not as if DD is getting brand new iPads and SD is getting socks though, SD makes a list of things she wants and gives half of the list to her Mum and half the list to us, and DD can't write yet but she gets all of her metaphorical "list" from us. The only time we've said no to either of them was when SD asked for £400 trainers, but normally their tastes are not that expensive.

It’s horrible. So sad for the children and when they are older they realise it had nothing to actually do with the step/half siblings and love it was all about keeping the women he was sharing a bed with happy to share the bed.

She wanted her children to have X Y Z and he went with it. Easy life if it’s a happy wife. Probably used the argument but their muuuuum so it’s not faiiiiir.

What? No and no!

This is what happened to my DC. One Christmas their step siblings got brand new, top of the phone iPods (it was a few years ago). They got the old ones which were so old they couldn't be updated and basically did nothing.
The younger half-siblings got the equivalent cost of the new ipods in toys.

My dc could do nothing but assume their Dad loved them less.

That’s because it’s equal in each of their parents house though isn’t it.

So with mum, child gets the same as any of their siblings in that house.

with dad, child should also get the same as what dad spends on any new children he has.

The parent treating their own children equal to each other.

Imagine going to visit dad in his new home with his new child and that child gets a Xbox one X at £430 whole dad gives you a £40 Nike hoody. Ouch. Birthday new children gets a top range mountain bike, you get a pair of £50 trainers. You’d think you’d dad didn’t love/like you as much as their new child and that he had replaced you.

Wrong on so many levels - no step parets hould not have to pay privte school fees for step chiildren If they offer fine but only if actual parents can maintian in event of a split.

OP you are bonkers in your opinion

You should consult the stepparents group and you will see that parents and step-parents are not the same thing. And children dont treat their parents and their step-parents the same way.

If a step-parents WANTS to pay, its fine. For that, they must have extra money (contrarily to parents who might sacrify themselves to pay for their kids) and be connected with the kids.

If an ex step-parent is so connected with the kids that he WANTS to pay for them after divorce, its their choice, not an obligation and I would say you, as a mother, should be VERY grateful if it happens. He owes you nothing and you would make your kids feel grateful that he does it for them.

God I've heard some shit in my time. Thanks for a laugh on Friday evening though.

I know this is true and so unfair, I have my daughter with my Ex and she will be going to Uni in 2 years time, I have an okish income but it is my DH who earns a lot more than me so his income will be used but he won’t be contributing as she is his DSC so means I will have to find a lot of money for her as her actual dad/my ex is useless and won’t help

I actually agree on you re you are all one family. Though with the caveat that you may decide as a family to have a certain standard of living beyond the means of the biological father, but the DH does not replace the biological father so should not have full responsibility for all costs.

But I voted YABU because you are only one family as long as you are in the relationship. If you break up, the DExH has no rights over their past DSC, so it would be ridiculous that they would continue to be responsible for costs associated with them when they don’t have a right to even see them!

😂😂😂😂. You’re joking surely !

You're loopy. Huge no to both. He's your husband, not a cash cow. Poor guy.

Absolutely not at all to both. I’m a step mum!! Quick burn the witch but I wouldn’t pay for my step son to go to private school that’s a decision between the mum and dad and my husband would only agree if we had more then enough money that it wouldn’t affect me or our daughters lifestyle. He wouldn’t even ask me to contribute (I am the bread winner btw) I already pay way over and above for my step son more than his mum ever could. When it came to our wills my husband left 50/50 of his side of the estate and I left 10/40 between my step child and my daughter. My SS will get 100% of his mums estate as she is unlikely to marry or have any more children. I had no obligation to give that 10% but I chose to.

Is he paying child maintenance for DSC now you’ve split?

This is blatantly not a hypothetical either.

"AIBU To think DH should pay for DSC school fees"

That's the title. Not "an ex partner, an ex husband" etc.

DH.

Her DH.

It only became "ohhhh, I'm just being....errrrr....hypothetical" when OP got her arse handed to her on a plate at the batshit crazy entitlement she was showing.

I mean, there’s a few things to consider. Is the children’s dad present in their lives? Did mum and dad decide the school before separation? Or was school decided by mum and step-dad, and the dad didn’t really have a say?

Unless the step dad was pushing for private school, he absolutely should not have to pay a penny towards it. It’s all fine and well saying “we’re a family and everyone is equal” but so often it doesn’t work that way - you can’t decide to be equal when you financially benefit, but then decide that their dad actually has the final say on something else.

I don't think the stepfather has an obligation unless he's legally adopted the child. In this case, he's no longer a stepparent and just a parent.

If he didn't adopt the child... either he didn't want to, the child was already an adult human when he met them or the child has an existing biological father who wants to stay the father. I don't see why he should pay in any of those scenarios.

Stepparents can be useful, helpful parental figures, but they're not parents.