DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

Sorry to hear this OP. The above is definitely abuse and i hope you are able to leave asap.

GHS can live outside. Ofcourse they can. I even have one living in my garden wall. But that's not what OP is asking.

It's sick and tormenting to threaten someone with something they're phobic of. I don't have a phobia of daddy long legs but as teens, a friend threw one in my face and I remember the sensation of feeling like I was inhaling it, every time I see one. He was a daft teenage lad though. A man should know better. There's clearly no bond left between yous or he'd have been understanding of your panic.

You do need to be more responsible of your fears though. Highly recommend the spider group on Facebook, can't remember it's name right now but something like 'British Spider ID...'

The more you learn about them, the less you'll fear them and dare I say it, even begin to find some cute (looking at you zebra jumping spider and cucumber spider!)

But moving on, he didn't actually do it. He maybe would have, it was maybe an empty threat. It was definitely shitty of him. But he didn't owe you to save you, sounds like yous have been rocky for a while. You need to learn to relax and be in control of a situation, even if not entirely comfortable with it. Would you have reacted like that if you saw one in a restaurant? Let this go. Even seek CBT if the phobia is affecting your life.
I think reading between the lines, you wanted to rely on him to help you, he didn't, he made it even worse. He's not the guy you want him to be anymore. I think that's the main thing more than the spider fear here.

Edited as just seen your post above mine, definitely get CBT. Get your confidence and resilience back up. Make him a distant memory this time next year or in two years but do not allow him to mentally keep you in the gutter.

Have you done anything to address your phobia? I used to be terribly phobic, but did the friendly spider course at a zoo and am now fine with them.

If someone was shouting and screaming for me to immediately catch one i wouldnt be very impressed tbh although i wouldnt threaten to throw it (i wouldn't want to harm it!) And definitely not in an agressive tone. Although tbh i might just shoo it into a crack as i want spiders around - they eat the flies!

Sorry to hear he is abusive in other ways though.

I'm terrified of spiders. My heart races, I feel dizzy, can't think straight. It's a genuine phobia and I think it's really mean when people try to make out like it's some silly thing. I literally scan every room I walk into before I sit down. The worst is that we're rural and they're fucking everywhere!

DH would never wave one at me. He knows how scared and upset I get by them. We both know it's irrational, too, but that I can't help it.

If he threatened to throw one in my face, he'd be sleeping in his fucking car. Once he caught the bastard spider!

I’m the spider catcher in our house, DH hates them, as well as flies, moths, wasps, even fruit flies.

I do find his fear and running away from crawlies annoying, especially as when I’m not home, he has strategies for removing the crawlies himself.

In light of the wider abuse I’m reluctant to comment but I do think someone standing on the sofa would be annoying.

You need to keep a transparent plastic pot handy so you can just pop it over the spider and slide cardboard underneath to dispose of it.

A joke? What planet are you on?

I he said it half jokingly, half irritated to have to stop what he is doing to "handle" a spider crisis, I would say you were overreacting... but if his tone eas threatening and there are other signs of EA then of course its very different

Sounds like a right nasty bastard. Your life will be better off without him
I completely sympathise with you.
I don't think a decent person would mind getting a spider for you

I'm astounded anyone could see this as not abusive.

My opinion is that you won't ever get a response that you want. So, until the point at which you're out and he's no longer infecting your days with misery, you're going to need to find a different way to act.

Yeah, it's hard, but if you leave, you're going to have to deal with the presence of eight legged buggers without standing on the sofa and screaming anyhow. And it would probably be quite useful for him to think that for some reason, you're not that bothered by them anymore - he wouldn't be able to scare you or threaten them with you, for a start.

Doesn't mean you have to suddenly have a Spider Best Buddy that you keep in your cardigan pocket and dress in little green boots and a sparkly pink bow tie on Sundays, but imagine how deflated he would feel if instead of screaming and begging, you just went 'Ugh. Spider' and walked away legs shaking or even used a long reach spider catcher to remove one.

After all, it's the human that's the biggest risk to your safety and sanity, not the unfortunate fly catcher on legs that's been unfortunate enough to stroll in between the two of you, isn't it?

That's like my worst nightmare op. I remember when my mum would catch one, even though she was my MUM, I'd suddenly lose all trust in her and have to be really far away in case she decided to do this. Of course she wouldn't dream of it. It's using your fear against you. Horrible. Sadistic more than unkind.

I think you can rightly chalk up his behaviour to him not being interested in helping you. He probably found your panic irritating if the relationship was in a bad state already. Only you can gauge whether or not he would have carried out his threat.

Writing it all down, as you are doing, can help you process it all and hopefully will help set the boundaries for a future healthy, caring relationship.

He was very much in the wrong for threatening to throw it at you. Absolutely.

But I think it’s a little unreasonable to expect him to jump to it re your request to get rid of it. It must be really exhausting to be asked to drop things off whenever you see a spider.

Surely everyone works on the basis that every house has some harmless spiders in it at all times, even if you can’t see them? How could there not be?

I realise it’s a phobia but there’s a limit to the extend to which that’s someone else’s problem.

I’m claustrophobic but I don’t expect anyone else to act to accommodate my phobia, I just do what I need to do, ie book my aisle seat and not worry if I end up sitting alone.

She didn't ask, though, she was shouting and screaming from the sofa.

If she'd said "DH, there's a massive spider just scuttled across the floor - could you sort it?" she'd likely have got a different response.

The people saying this is harmless have never experienced DA. When you know the person, what they're capable of and how they treat you in general then you know when they're being threatening and intentionally intimidating. You know all this so just keep going with your plans to leave and keep a log of what he's doing

I voted YABU because if someone shouted and screamed at me to do something, I'm not sure I'd feel particularly helpful.

I get that you're terrified but if this was man shouting and screaming at his wife, the replies would be very different.

If your husband was repeatedly asking you for help with something that was causing him extreme distress and fear you'd be pissed off with him? That's very unkind.

Exactly. I'm terrified of spiders and the threat of having one thrown in my face would be untenable

Are you for real???

For everyone focusingnon an emoji you've obviously trying to tell OP that her phobia isn't severe, you don't believe her etc. What do you think this adds to the discussion?

yabu in the specific scenario that you described in your OP (that’s not at all to say he isn’t an emotional or verbal abuser but in my opinion your scenario regarding the spider isn’t an example of either)

He's your stbx. Why do you expect kindness.