DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

My husband can be pretty selfish and inconsiderate but in nearly 40 years of marriage he has never refused to get rid of a spider when I've asked. He's certainly never made a joke or threat to throw one at me. In the same way I respect his irrational fear of heights so don't try and make him climb ladders or walk close to the edge of cliffs etc or 'joke' push him when we are on a balcony.

I totally get it op.

He has spent years grooming you so you don't know what's abuse and what isn't anymore.

In a lot of ways it's easier when they are blatently threatening violence, I sometimes used to feel relieved when my ex hit me, because the psychological stuff was so much worse and had me doubting myself. Then, as demonstrated by this thread, you tell someone and people just think you're over reacting, because, in isolation, it doesn't sound that bad.

This is a small part of a larger picture, and you're absolutely entitled to your feelings about it though.

Are you in touch with women's aid at all? They can really help you with leaving him.

All the best for getting out op, it's not easy, but it's so worth it 💐

He behaved like the abusive dickhead he is OP. Im not sure why people on here are lining up to take a shot at you. I hope he’s a proper ex soon.

Really strange to lead with the spider story.

It wasn't kind or nice of him. But he is not a nice person and has a history of violent coercive behaviour. So you demanding or asking for his help on something is never going to end well.
Just get out

You hit the nail on the head.
Iam like you

I hate spiders. But if someone repeatedly screamed at me to do something, I'd be pissed off.

He's a wanker. That's why you're divorcing him.

He sounds like a complete cunt. It’s good you have found the strength to leave the relationship. It’s normal to try to process everything after you have been the victim of abuse. I would maybe see if you can access some counselling to make sense of it all and support you going forwards.

This 100%!! Some people really do not understand.

I was married to someone who was abusive and physically attacked me. However one of the things that stuck with me was him once throwing A TISSUE in my face in an argument. I will never forget how that made me feel in that moment. Obviously a tissue can’t hurt you but it’s not about the object it’s about the power the abusive person has over you and how it makes you feel.

OP - sounds like you are doing the right thing if he is soon to be an ex. Maybe look into the Freedom Program.

If you dived on furniture and screamed at me like a fucking banshee I would likely snap too as it would send my anxiety through the roof.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions and life, even small children don't get away with acting like that... time to grow up.

Whose going to answer your wails and rescue you from the sofa when you no longer have a husband to wrestle the terrifying inch long insect.

I think that was a nasty and unpleasant thing to do. I can’t believe people are excusing it as a joke. It was obviously not done in affectionate jest but it was a cruel and spiteful comment.

As you can see by my username (Sorry OP) I adore spiders. I pick them up and coo at them. However phobias are not a joking matter and I don’t think OP was laughing at the time.

I'm with you OP. It sounds nasty to me. When I was a child I was playing with my friend in her garden. She was absolutely terrified of moths. Her step-father thought it would be funny to catch a moth in his hands that she had asked him to save her from. He then grabbed hold of her so she couldn't escape and put in right into her face. I was only about eight at the time but I remember thinking what a nasty thing to do is was. My poor friend was beside herself with fear. Glad you're getting away from this man, OP.

but the act of picking up and throwing it in my face made me go cold.

Did he throw it in your face?

Yes because she has a phobia

All of this is abuse and in the context of this I can see why the spider incident is abusive too. By itself I would say it was lashing out in frustration at being shrieked at irrationally but given the rest of his behaviour it pains a different picture.

leave the relationship OP it’s the best thing you will ever do.

It’s very dangerous territory for you to essentially say that shouting and screaming making demands of “the person you are supposed to care about” is okay as long as it’s because you’re scared. It’s not okay to shout, scream and repeatedly demand your partner to do something, don’t try to justify it.

There isn't enough info to judge the wider state of your relationship or any abuse. Taking this incident in isolation, his comment was a shitty thing to say, but not indulging into your screaming demands was entirely reasonable. And being brutal honest if I was dealing with an adult throwing a fit and expecting me to run around after them over a house spider I can't say I wouldn't be tempted to say something rude.

Why did I think the exact same thing😂

I’m arachnophobic and I don’t even know why I clicked on this thread tbh. I usually can’t even read much about the bastard things let alone use a s p i d e r emoji (I didn’t type the full word because I don’t want to see the emoji come up on my keyboard🤣)

All seems dramatic and happened a year ago.

My teen DD is phobic of spiders. Whilst I find it a little irritating at times, I know it’s real and that she is genuinely terrified. Therefore I deal with them whenever I need to and don’t tease her or worse, as I love her and feel bad for her.

Your STBXH is a prick.

Same one you are.

yes he did come from a place of cruelty, but why are you fixating on this single event.

Are you getting any help to move on?