DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

I was terrified of spiders from an early age. I had this recurring lucid nightmare where I would wake up and couldn’t move because my entire blanket was covered in red spiders. The weight of them trapped me. Then they would shuffle to make a path and a giant red spider with little red baby spiders started to come slowly up from my toes towards my head and it always felt to me that I’d been hunted as food for the baby spiders and they were going to crawl into my mouth, nose, eyes, ears and when the big giant spider stopped on my chest and the baby spiders started streaming down…I’d wake up screaming my head off and often having wet the bed.

My mom really hated when I wet the bed.

Today, I can handle one spider. I admit I sometimes still panic and it gets smashed instead of retrieved- especially if it takes a run towards me. I’d do anything for my DC, protecting them from spiders is the opposite of what my mom did which is literally throw me into a den of spiders.

So, I think a blustery threat that probably would not be carried out of stop screaming or the spider gets thrown at your face while mean, isn’t to the level of abuse (like some of the other examples clearly are). That’s my opinion and it is equally as educated as anyone else’s on here.

educate you a little bit to have some compassion and consideration for people with such phobias

Perhaps, in return for your thoughtfulness, I should post some links on abuse, you know to educate you a bit more.

Not everything is down to a person being uneducated, sometimes we just have a difference of opinion.

I really hate when posters say things like this. It is so condescending and usually untrue. You can have experienced emotional abuse and also think that one specific scenario doesn’t quite amount to emotional abuse.

My mom cured me of my arachnophobia by locking me in a dirt floor cellar crawling with hundreds of them overnight. This was in Pennsylvania where black widows and brown recluse spiders are common- and one bite can be lethal to a child. She had asked me to go down with the vacuum and suck them up, but I had panicked and cried and said no, please don’t make me. So she grabbed me, dragged me into the cellar, locked me down there, and then spitefully turned off the light as the light switch was upstairs. I was left down there in the pitch dark until the next day. I survived by crawling into the tumble dryer holding the door open just the width of my fingertips so I could breathe. I was a very skinny and small 8yr old. I pissed myself at one point, and then it dried. The next day, she comes down and asks me, you ready to vacuum up the spiders now? And I was. I had to vacuum all the rafters and corners of the cellar before she let me upstairs to eat and wash and get clean clothes.

You will be glad to know I helped my DD get over her arachnophobia through professional gentle therapy instead of my mum’s ‘tough love’ method.

@LoremIpsumCici

I'm scared of cellar spiders only - all others are fine because they're easy to see - but those ones I can't cope and become convinced they're on me and start taking my clothes off in panic. I can't remove myself to find someone to help me because if it goes missing in the house then I have to either stay in a hotel or sleep outside in the car etc.

My husband and I now have a bit of a routine where I don't scream anymore because he reacts so damn quickly if I find one.

Since these spiders are usually upside down, certain furniture that doesn't go completely to the ground aren't allowed, and I shine a torch under chairs and tables before sitting down.

I really don't know where this fear came from - I've eaten tarantula abroad and put wasps outside with my bare hands, and I've been in violent relationships - but if my husband ever threatened throwing one of those cellar spiders in my face it'd be the fucking end of our marriage

Her reaction was a natural response to something she has a phobia for. You do know what a phobia is right? It's not just oh I don't like spiders, it's a lot more than that.

And she we don't screaming demands, she was screaming in panic and fear for her husband to help her and any compassionate person who knows his wifes I tense fear of spiders would take the 2 minutes to help her but I guess his game was more important.

This is from a quick Google search to educate you a little bit to have some compassion and consideration for people with such phobias unless you think she is lying about her phobia for spiders. Claiming her reaction was OTT shows you either don't believe phobia for spiders is real or not that serious.

The fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. It's an intense, irrational fear that can cause a range of symptoms, including:
Upset stomach or feeling "butterflies"
Dizziness or feeling faint
Dry mouth
Crying, tantrums, freezing, or clinging
Sweating and nausea

Arachnophobia can be triggered by:
Seeing a spider or spider web, in person or in pictures
Thinking about spiders or spider webs
Speaking about spiders or spider webs

Here is a reddit post from someone with a phobia of spiders so OPs reaction was even milder but I guess you will claim this person is just an attention seeker right?

https://www.reddit.com/r/Arachnophobia/comments/1dywrkj/extremearachnophobia/

Oh cut it out, shouting in fear for your husband to help you is now a crime? It's not like she was shouting at him for not doing the dishes or something.

If she has a phobia for something you don't really think she her priority is regulating how she shouts and screams? You think people who are so scared of clowns they faint will take the time to regulate their responses so their husbands don't get upset?

I disagree, it was a mean thing to do and based on her update about his time it was threatening. If I know my spouse has a phobia about something I would be compassionate and supportive not get angry and threaten to throw it on her face when I know she is scared of whatever it is.

His game was obviously more important to him.

That's what you got out of her posts? What a strange person you are.

How did she demand, she's scared of spiders which her husband knows and she said please.

Seriously wtf????

His response was unnecessarily mean, if you know your husband or wife is scared of something and they are asking for your help and your response to is to threaten and you are trying to justify it? Her shouting was out of fear and asking him to help not commanding or demanding.

I can't tell if your working or not.

Having a daughter who is so afraid of slugs that she screamed and almost opened the car door in preparation to exit the vehicle that was traveling at speed, because her older brother joked about there being a slug in the back of the car, I can understand why you wouldn't like that response from him.

It's very unkind and I would feel that he's using your phobia against you to cause distress. However if he didn't actually go get the spider and have it in his hand, I'm not sure it would meet the legal definition for "a threat" but with other examples might be indicative for ongoing emotional abuse. Otherwise he'd probably claim it was a joke.

Well don't you deserve an award for your bravery. I guess your one of those people that think people with depression should just get over it and be happy, or people with anxiety should just ignore it. I knew someone who died because of a pill phobia, because they couldn't take their pills after a transplant they had, they had to have full mental health support to help them through it and it was too late the damage was done. You can't compare how YOU feel to everybody else.

Yes I am. I am literally scared stiff and can’t move when I first see one ahead of me. But I’m not a baby so I pull myself together and carry on with my day.

Wtf?

Then your not actually phobic then are you ffs.

That in itself isn’t abusive. How phobic can you be? I’m phobic about grid floors but I don’t ask people to piggy back me over them.

I have a severe phobia of snails, to the point I've had a panic attack being around one. I'd genuinely be more scared of someone putting a snail near me than someone physically attacking me. My ex who was an abuser all round threatened to go and get a snail from the bin shed (block of flats) and while he left I was so frightened I snuck out and left for the night with no where to go. Same guy I let beat me regular. Some people are so cold and don't understand how bad phobias can be.

Some of these responses are staggeringly cold hearted and plain disgusting tbh. The levels of utter nastiness. Some people should be ashamed of what they've posted on this thread.

You need to keep a transparent plastic pot handy so you can just pop it over the spider and slide cardboard underneath to dispose of it.

People always say this as if it's some sort of revelation we're just too dumb to have thought of. Many are too phobic to be able to do this. I'm not as bad, although I hate them and I do shake and sometimes cry, I DO do this IF it's sitting obligingly still on a flat surface. But you can't do this if it's on an angle or a corner or pelting along or on an awkward object. I remember a huge one that was scuttling around on ourCD rack (back when CD racks were still a thing). It was in and out of all those crevices and I couldn't see any way to get it. Also couldn't take my eyes off it in case it disappeared (as someone has said, that's worse). Just had to stand there frozen and yell for DH to come and "get it, get it, PLEASE, quickly!"

It also clear that 90% of people that have commented clearly haven't ever experienced emotional abuse,

If OP had told us the spider scenario on its own then yes it could seem a bit OTT.

However, OP has clearly stated this bloke is an abusive fuck stick, so the spider situation takes a completely different stance.
It's not necessarily about the spider, it's about him knowing she has a phobia & refusing to help when she is clearly panicking & scared.

I remember when me and my ex had a puppy & we used to take it everywhere, we also had a toddler at the time. We were in a shop and I asked him to hold the puppy while I helped DD with something (can't remember what) & he said 'no, you chose to bring the dog so you can fucking hold it'

Another time I came out of Tescos with my pram fully loaded with shopping. He was with a friend outside (not waiting for me, hanging round there at random) & I was walking back to my flat (that he regularly stayed at) he didn't help, he just watched me struggle home with our child and the mountain of shopping. It was a pretty horrible moment.

OP, his behaviour, as you describe it, was abusive and it's good you got out of that.

It's hard to get a clear head after an abusive relationship and it doesn't always help asking others for validation or clarity, because other people are often confused or abusive themselves.

I'd suggest using therapy if possible to help you process what's happened to you and get it all out.

(And see if you can get cbt for the phobia. And a spider catcher tube thing in the meantime!)

What’s your plan to deal with spiders once you’ve left him?

If your husband was terrified and calling to you for help, you'd interpret that as him shouting at you to do something?

Have you tried getting any help for this?

What are you going to do when you are single, and there is a spider in your house?

My advice is to get some therapy regarding the phobia. You shouldn't be screaming and ordering anyone to drop what they're doing for a non issue. You have a phobia, that is YOUR problem, not your STBXH's to deal with for you.

I think you're abusive for screaming at him. That must have been really tiring for him every Autumn.