Heartbroken Over My Daughter’s Dismissive Behaviour

My son is a bit like this, he's at uni too and I make all the effort to keep in touch and he usually just texts or rings when he wants something. I've come to terms with it by realising that he's not 'mine' any more and that he's his own person with different priorities, studying and his friends are where his attention is at and that's exactly where it should be, he knows where I am and he knows I'm here if he needs me. It's worth thinking about how you've brought up an independent young adult, who confides in you when they want to and who is unafraid to go out into the world without needing to be attached to their mum, that is the product of a good secure upbringing.

This. After having kids, I realised how great my parents were (especially my mother).

Although it might feel hurtful, it's probably healthy. It's natural for young adult children to distance themselves from their parents in order to move on and build independent adult lives. You're the safety-net but hopefully she won't need it. When she's put enough distance between you and her to satisfy her need for independence, she'll probably return to being loving and affectionate.

Much easier to deal with than 'failure to launch' imo.

Don't talk to her about it. She'll feel guilty and she shouldn't bear the weight of it. You are taken for granted right now, and probably always have been. I don't think anyone truly realises the sacrifice until they are much older. For me, it was only when I had children that I realised how much my parents love and have done for me.

You know she may have intentionally left it for you to have as a reminder of you together. Just a thought.

Don't assume you're forgotten, you're most certainly loved. She is young. Let this go.

I agree

It's ok to have needs but not ok to expect your children to meet them

She sounds like a very normal teen.

She's not your friend.

I'm sure if you continue being there for your DD through the ups and downs, you'll have a special and solid relationship. When I was 19 I wasn't especially close with my mum, or at least I didn't realise I was. It's a time when you do need to focus on becoming yourself. 15 years on I more fully realise how fab my mum has always been, and one thing I massively admire is that she's let me have independence and she is also independent (if anything we are too far in that direction and I remember being the odd one out at uni because my mum never called or texted me! She wanted me to choose how often I kept in touch and to focus on enjoying uni, which was a slightly extreme attitude) We both do our own thing but love to chat and watch our shows together or go out for cake when I visit - and I'd say we have a better relationship than some of my friends whose mums seem to rely on their daughters for a purpose in life or get overly involved.

I think you are expecting a bit much from this relationship and it may become overwhelming to her and push her away. She isn't your partner or best friend.
She's a 19 year old girl.
How empathetic do you expect her to be?
I think this is a touch of empty nest syndrome. But that's something you need to work on yourself. She's not going to be able to make you feel better.. naturally she will hardly think of it. She's embarking on her adult life all new and exciting!
That's just normal.
Hopefully as she gets older your bond will become that of two adults, more like a friendship. But right now is her time for independence.
Don't take it as a personal insult and don't overthink it.

My DD is in her 30s now but I still remember a time when she was around 14 and I had an appointment at her school, but she got me to walk on the other side of the road to her 😂It did sting a little at the time but I soon laughed about it.

In my experience, it's around late teens early 20's when young women are just finding their feet and don't "need" mum so much. But rest assured it comes around again and when they come back to you, it's as an adult and that in itself is really lovely. That to me is when it does become more friendship based, in that you're spending time together because you want to and it's on a more equal footing.

Don't worry. It's normal. Don't say anything or make things worse. She's showing you she's grown up now. Be yourself when she comes to you, and don't worry if it isn't as often as it was.

You can also take it as a hint that it's time to step back and not give her quite as much support.

Glad you're at peace with it now.

Nothing on TV is real, even basic facts.

I once watched someone I knew in real life, on The Apprentice, pretend to be a web designer to "do the design work" for one of the group's projects. He was nothing of the sort.

I once went on a reality TV show where they claimed it was random members of the public signing up - it wasn't, they scouted them from YouTube and Instagram and had already planned who they would pick for the following rounds, it was just set up so it looked like people were applying/competing.

They will have been told what to say or set up with questions that are designed to manipulate into giving certain answers.

When I went to uni I took with me a load of pictures of my friends and it never occurred to me to bring family photos. I suppose I took for granted that I’d always have my family and probably wanted the friends photos for the memories (and to look popular!). You sound like a brilliant mum and you really don’t need to take this to heart.

My DC are not even in their teens yet but I do feel like sometimes I get lost in mum life, I forget who I am. My life is so busy and I don’t feel bored, but sometimes I do have to stop and think I need to be me! Even if just for a couple hours a week.

OP I was told that if you feel your children take you for granted then you have done a brilliant job raising them. Your daughter has gone off to uni but she knows where you are and that when she really needs you then you will be there.

One of my children used to comment that the families you see on TV (mum and daughter claim to be best friends, do everything together, family spend every second together etc) were their idea of hell! Claustrophobic and just plain weird! I tend to agree! I would do anything to help my children (adults now living in their own homes) but they are my children not my best buddies. You sound like a great mum - celebrate that and enjoy turning back into you rather than just being 'someone's mum'.

students definitely mainly put these photos up on their dorm walls to look cool and popular and like they have loads of friends at home - I don't even think they are actually to look at for happy memories.

Don't worry

It's just part of her finding her independence. No one at that age wants to present as anything other than so cool and hard - not a mummy's boy or girl.

Don't worry - she'll be back with you and ultra close by the time she's 30. It's part of growing up and become an adult. Distancing yourself from your parents is just one step on that process. the rubberband stretches but if you had a good upbringing and a good relationship, you ping back eventually.

By the time she's 40, it will be forgotten by both of you.

I’m a single mum too. One son just gone to uni one just graduated and back home. I feel you’re overthinking it. This is when they spread their wings for the first time and get a real taste of independence. My son hasn’t instigated a text to me once although I have sent him a couple to see how he’s settling in. Even if she’d taken the photo I guarantee it would have been put in a drawer.

I know nothing about you so this is obviously just throw away advice but do you think your kids have become your hobby and now DD is at uni you feel lost? If so I’d really recommend trying to get a bit of yourself back x were there any hobbies you used to like doing before DC?

I get on very well with my similar-aged daughter and joke that she has loads of photos of her friends up on her wall but none of her mummy!

I get you feel lonely and sidelined but really this is more about you than her. Get some hobbies, go out with friends, see a counsellor if you need to. Keep your relationship happy and supportive and don’t make it a big emotional affair that she dreads.

I think you’re over thinking this

None of my friends had photos of their parents in their uni rooms, all we had were friends x

I think this is a you problem and you shouldn’t tell her how you feel, I’m sure she loves you

She's 19, every single fibre of her being right now is telling her to put as much distance as possible between you and her.

It's a natural part of growing up, of becoming an adult. You surely remember it from your own teenage-hood. Your parents become the most uncool people in the world. You rebel against them at every opportunity. It's normal, it's about uncoupling, striking out as an adult.

And then as the child of a single parent, she'll also have the guilt about leaving you on your own. And those two feelings will be in conflict.

So no, she probably doesn't fancy seeing your picture constantly, and feeling that conflict inside of her. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or appreciate you. Right now your relationship might be a bit rough, but thats true of most teenagers and their parents, it generally improves over the next few years as she becomes comfortable with adulthood.

Her job right now is to foster her independence and forge a new, adult sense of self. That you’ve got her this far is a credit to you.

Give her space, stop reading too much into room decor and be proud of the young woman you’ve raised.