To ask why birthday parties are so rigid?

I never found them relaxed and fun as a parent.

If you are doing it at home you have to make sure your house is reasonably presentable then there is a fuck load of cleaning again afterwards. There is a ton of preparation to do and even if it's only a small party, a significant cost. You hope the entertainer turns up and is not drunk or inappropriate. Then you have to deal with a number of excited, sugared up kids, and possibly some gossipy judgemental parents judging your soft furnishings. You may have to make small talk with some of these people while trying to shove a tray of sausage rolls in the oven and open a bottle of squash. You hope no-one is sick, wets themselves, dies or gets seriously injured while you are in loco parentis. You hope no-one brings unexpected siblings as frankly ten extra kids in the house is pushing it already. You hope there is enough food and drinks and enough party bags. Then hopefully everyone fucks off on time and you can have a big glass of wine.

All this after trying to hold down a stressful professional "part time" job and being completely exhausted.

Relaxed and fun. Are you on drugs?

Actually, DH is also from a mediterannean background and actually, the casual attitude to this has been a source of frustration for us.

So yes, his family absolutely WOULD turn up with random additional people and/or expect to be able to bring additional people and be bemused when you ask for details. They'd also turn up ridiculously late or bring huge amounts of unnecessary food without discussing in advance. His aunt invited some random old friend to our wedding "as a surprise" for us (apparently it hadn't occurred ot her that if we'd wanted her to come, we could have sent the invite herself). I will never erase the image of her trotting across the venue carrying a chair she'd nabbed from somewhere then squeezing herself onto the table with his aunts and uncles! BIL's girlfriend's (relatively casual, new relationship) DD managed to get herself into an awful lot of our wedding pictures - none of us can even bloody remember her name now but her face is immortalised forever. BIL also let his girlfriend dress her in a dress that was very similar to BIL's dd's dresss - she was a flower girl!

I have dc ranging from young primary to secondary age, so have been to a lot of birthday parties. I honestly can’t say I’ve experienced the mood you’re describing. Yes, people ask to bring siblings. It’s no big deal if they are polite about it, pay their own way, buy their own food. It becomes more of an issue if there are strict limits on attendees from a health and safety perspective at soft play, etc.

I think the issue you may be experiencing might come in part from the fact that this isn’t a sunny, warm Mediterranean country, so we are often shoved down n cramped indoor spaces where a few extra people does make a difference.

Culturally, I think there is also a big thing about being a bad host. If you turn up uninvited, for example, and a host doesn’t feel they can properly cater for you, it reflects badly on them. I suspect this isn’t quite the same in Spain, Italy, Greece, etc where there is more openness to just making space and sharing around what everyone has, with no judgement of the host.

I think because parties require money and time and effort to plan so when someone rocks up with the siblings etc it's emotionally draining. You should respect other people's boundaries and limitations whatever they may be.

Although a free for all is a nice idea, and fine if you've hired something like a village hall for example, but some party venues are very strict on numbers. Some parties I enquired about had number limits for staffing and safety issues. Then there's the issue of there being enough food.
I have had to take a sibling along to some parties, but I would always check with the host first and make it clear it was fine to say no, and that I was happy to pay any entrance fee for the sibling and for our own food.
There's no need for nastiness but I think just turning up with extra children expecting them to be catered for is rude.

I suppose if you are hosting a big party with loads of food and space in your own home you can be fine with having extra kids turn up. The parents hanging around for coffee and everyone joining in - yes - all nice.

BUT - if you've booked a venue and had to state and pay for a specific number of kids for food ect, and then extra kids turn up and (worse case scenario) the parents haven't asked first and don't even stick around to parent the extra kid then you can see why that's a cause for concern.

I went to a 5 year olds party recently and an older sibling was bought along, I think 8 or 9ish. They were young enough to want to take part but also old enough to win most of the party games fairly easily, which upset the younger kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work that well.

Would you show up to one of your own friend’s birthdays or dinner parties with your uninvited sibling or partner and expect the host to cater for them? I’m guessing not - so why would you think it okay for parents to bring extra children to a party and expect the host to entertain and feed more children than they’d planned for?

Not sure what “Mediterranean culture” has to do with it: I have plenty of friends from all over Europe and none of them would think it anything but rude to attend something they hadn’t been invited to without the host being asked first.

If they ask first it's not an issue. Of course it's frowned upon to bring an extra participant to a paid for event

But they haven't been catered for or paid for? Why should you get a free afternoon because you can't be bothered to make other arrangements?

Err this! Catering for 10 and then 20 turn up is quite problematic. That’s before you even get to the rudeness part

It’s like tagging along as a plus one to a wedding ceremony unannounced then complaining you don’t have a seat or meal 🤣

A host will have enough food, activities and party bags for the kids they have invited - can you really not understand why bringing an extra child uninvited is hugely rude?

In regards to the bringing a sibling debate.

If you ask a parent in advance if sibling can come along and they say no then it’s perfectly fine to say ok sorry won’t have childcare so can’t attend. If they say yes then go for it!

But to just turn up with extra DC is unfair imo.

I went to a friends DC’s party before and a few parents brought extra DC unannounced, not only was there tantrums over not having party bags but one had a severe allergy so mum was really funny about the food options - for the kid that wasn’t even invited. Even the invite say allergies and she ticked no, then brought extra dc along who did happen to have an allergy.

We have had a wide variety of parties over the years (DS only 7 but a lot of parties since lockdown lol) from parties at people's houses to bowling /soft play/trampolining/karting and all are fairly relaxed to be honest.

I haven't experienced the 'frowned upon' aspect of bringing siblings. I'd say 50% of DS parties we have needed to take DD (4 years younger) due to childcare issues. Noone ever has a problem with it. I've always asked beforehand, pay separate entry for her to places and buy/bring her own food. Most people let her take up a spare space if there is one and give her food and a small party bag. I don't know if I have got lucky or just because we get on well with the parents of those parties we need to take DD too as well. I usually do parties at our house so always say yes if people need to bring extra siblings etc.

I've got 4 DC ranging from 11 to 30 (!) and i must say that in my experience parties haven't changed much.

From year 1 to yr 6 it's mostly soft play parties with a table of snacks, or in the village football club room or at the church hall. Some with decs some without. Usually with (the same) DJ who shouts out the rules for games and whips the kids into a sweaty frenzy 😂 Rarely at people's houses.

I've never tried to take an extra kid to a party (which is what bringing siblings is), and wouldn't do so unless i asked first and they said yes. I imagine most hosts would be fine with it if asked as there's usually plenty of sandwiches and crisps to go around.

Do you ask first?