To ask why birthday parties are so rigid?

I'm a second generation immigrant and I wouldn't let uninvited people cross the threshold, and neither would my parents.

Sometimes I wonder if some parents actually expect to get their kids back safely at the end of the party.

Well that mother was clearly insane.

I got charged for 2 siblings at soft play party that hadn't been invited. One parent turned up with an extra sibling, paid entrance, and then left without asking. I could hardly tell the child (age 6) they had to go elsewhere on their one while the party food was being eaten.

The other parent asked if sibling could come, paid for their entrance, but then sat their child at the party food table. I should have said something but they'd started eating by the time I arrived back from the toilet with another child.

By all means bring siblings but a) don't leave them unattended and b) take them elsewhere when the party food is being served.

I got their entrance fees back but had to pay full party cost for both.

I'm just giving my experience - almost every party we've been at has had more than enough food, with lots of food wasted.

And hosts need to manage giving out the party bags better. Have them in a zipped bag, hand them out at the door, children only get them when they have shoes/coats on, and give them to party guests first. If siblings want one, they can wait until the end to see if there are spares. Kids may fuss but just ignore it.

I'm not saying it's ok to bring uninvited kids, more that it doesn't strike me as a huge issue in most cases. Of course people should ask!

This is a great idea! We’re past the age where it’s needed but it’s a good idea.

We might have done it once or twice it think.

I did once or twice invite some known older siblings as “helpers” or a younger sibling I knew wouldn’t be a hassle or to help the parent out if I knew they were a single parent (they could obviously say no if they wanted 121 time with said sibling).

We’re past all that now though as I said.

As an aside, my mind always boggles when people refer to 7 yos as “older children” though- yes they’re older than 3/4 yo preschoolers but in the great scheme of things, those are very small children.

I'm with you OP, and I'm British! Kids parties seem so uptight. We've always had them at home, people can come when they want to, if they want to, stay as long as they want. Buffet food, plenty of wine, kids can play in house or garden. never do party bags, such a waste of money and resources.

I agree - I am quite relaxed and would usually say to bring the siblings but I would expect at least to be asked in advance. I would be very unimpressed at siblings apart from babies just turning up.

I usually say something like this in the invite: "we can have X number of children at the venue and may be able to accommodate siblings once we've finalised numbers. Let me know if you'd like to bring any and I'll confirm closer to the party whether we'll have space or not".

But in really, you get kids making a huge fuss about the need for a party bag for the sibling, and their parent either nowhere to be seen/ actively encouraging their children to “go and get another one for Sally”.

In reality, it’s always the uninvited sibling who has the enormous appetite as though they’ve never seen food before - and in places like soft play, then tend not to have “over catered” at all.

And relying on the idea that people have “over catered” is incredibly entitled - are they expected to have catered double, brought double the cake etc? In case everyone brought a sibling who “really won’t make much of a difference, it’s only one more!”

I think I have been quite lucky as usually with organised parties there have been some (paid for!) children who haven't turned up, so any accompanying siblings have been welcome to take their place, and with soft play parties, most other parents would just pay for the other child and buy them food separately. I used to get spare party bags also also just in case. Just to turn up and expect the host to accept another party guest though is out of order.

We used to do "child swaps"... so Tom's mum would take Tom and Jerry while Jerrys mum had Tom's older sister Anna with her own elder child Beth. Then the opposite way round the next time.

With older children, I think it can be tricky. We once went to a 4yo's party where a 7/8yo sibling was making it unsafe for the little ones to use the bouncy castle. It depends on personality though. I've had a 9yo "helper" before who was lovely and I gave her £5 to hand some food out and play with the little ones. The mum had asked to drop both kids, which in retrospect was a bit cheeky but it worked out ok because they were both easy kids and the 9yo wanted to be my "grown-up" helper rather than join in the party games.

Was this when your children were extremely small? So too young to drop off (maybe under 5/ 6 or so, so absolute tinies?)

Most of children’s “party lives” is when they’re older than that and can be dropped off to be fair.

Not the point, I know, but I've never understood the party bag issue with uninvited kids turning up. Surely just say "here's a party bag for X, I'm sorry we don't have any spares for siblings". It's up to the parents then to deal with the sibling's disappointment or make the party guest share the party bag with the sibling. Same for food as well. I wouldn't take my toddler uninvited to a party and always ask if they need to come, but my older DC and toddler don't need more than one portion of food and one party bag between them - they can share the food (DC1 never eats food at a party anyway!) and the party bag is not normally appropriate for a young toddler anyway. If it is, DC2 can play with the plastic junk once DC1 has discarded it. Tbh I find it quite helpful having DC2 there to hoover up DC1's food so we don't leave an untouched plate 😂. And we're not alone - I know lots of kids who don't touch the food at parties, so the siblings can graze on the leftovers. People tend to over-cater. Obviously some activities (nerf, trampolining) are not suitable for little ones but these tend to be more organised so you can leave them with the organisers and go and walk about with the little one at the venue if you need to stay.

I don't really get the point about siblings changing the atmosphere either. Maybe bigger children don't want little kids around, but this hasn't been an issue with the 4/5/6 year old parties we've attended so far - the kids don't seem to mind the babies and toddlers at all. And from 7+ obviously you'd hope that parents wouldn't usually need to stay.

The main thing the party hosts need to remember is to keep the party bags well out of reach so that each child gets a party bag shoved in their face as they're literally being pushed out the door - no chance for siblings to grab any if numbers are tight and the party hosts are spared having to deal with any tantrums!

I think the only time it’s acceptable to bring a sibling is if it’s a public venue and your are paying for the siblings entry fee and buying them their own food separately- not letting them hang hungrily around the table when the birthday children are eating. And obviously you don’t drink that child off, you have to remain with them. So they basically aren’t at the party.

And even then ask first.

If it’s in someone’s home or a hired hall etc, then you ask first and accept no for an answer - again you don’t drop off said sibling, it’s only if there’s room for you to stay as well that it might be ok.

I work Saturdays so when either child had a party invite dh would ask if he could drop off and join the party when I arrived home. Most parents were happy with this, if they said no then he would decline the invite as he wouldn't have anyone to take care of the other child. As there is a years gap between my older two most of their friends knew them both and would say to bring the other child when we did a rsvp. Now our bigger two are older so they have drop and go parties which makes our lives easier. We do have a 3 year old now so either she won't be going to many parties, if I have enough notice I can rearrange shifts or if time allows and his mum is willing we drop the older two off at hers.

I think the onus is on the parent to figure things so I wouldn't ask if my 7 and 8 year old can tag along to a party for a friend of my youngest because they are too big and it would change the dynamic, not be safe on a bouncy castle etc.

If we held a party at home, I always have extra food and party bags and am happy to accommodate siblings. I would happily do so at a village hall too. In my view it only gets trickier at places with fixed numbers.

Why do you have to bring the other child? Just drop your child off and collect at the finish time??

@rainfallpurevividcat aaaaaand that's why i've never hosted a kids party at home 😅

Bad enough the hiring of a hall and praying any enough kids will actually turn up - but hosting in your house .... nopes 😊

There's definitely a cultural aspect to this. Every person that I know that is either an immigrant or the child of an immigrant has absolutely no issue with uninvited siblings coming along to the party. I would always prepare extra party bags for my kids' parties, as I knew there would always be a few. We very much operate on a more the merrier basis. The only time it was ever an 'issue' was at a soft play because we'd ordered a set amount of meals - no biggie, the parents ordered food for their kids that weren't invited

It’s almost like a load of additional guests you weren’t expecting so haven’t budgeted for would cause stress for the host!!

Bringing sibling is a bit annoying as it makes knowing how much food or party bags to do difficult. When my dd was young we did a few church hall type parties which I think were relaxed, I didn't care really if siblings stayed and did a few extra party bags just in case. Food was a buffet so once it went it went 🤷‍♀️

It's a bit different though if you've booked somewhere like soft play that does the food etc.

I think it depends what type of party you go to. If you go to an informal party at someone's house, then decorations and food are only as stressful as you make them. After the first 5 year old's party, my group realised pretty quickly that young kids never eat the carefully prepared sandwiches and are reluctant to try any fruit that's not cut in exactly the same way it is at home, so you're better off just offering a packet of crisps, some cut up cucumber and the birthday cake.

Having said that, a lot of people live in flats too tiny to accommodate more than 1 or 2 kids at a time, which means paying to have the party at a venue. Venue costs have skyrocketed and they're strict on numbers. It's therefore problematic if people just show up with older/younger siblings and expect they'll be able to join in.

Having uninvited siblings can also totally change the dynamic of the party and the behaviour. It's just as bad bringing a toddler along to an adults lunch meet up

If you genuinely don’t have any childcare e.g. single parent not just Dad won’t miss golf, and have asked nicely in advance and made it very clear that it’s ok for the host to say no then that’s absolutely fine! Most people would say yes or if it’s a no invite the child to be dropped off. If the host is getting huffy on the day it’s obviously because the extra kid has just turned up which is so incredibly rude. Also, then there isn’t food or party bag for them and you know they’re going to get upset. There can be problems from different ages. Younger ones can ruin party games, refusing to pass the pass the parcel for example or crying when they go out in musical statues. Older ones can be a risk to younger ones on a bouncy castle or winning every party game and not giving anyone else a look in. And if everyone did it you’d double the size of the party, and the birthday child wouldn’t know half the kids there! Someone did it to me once at a bowling party, as it happened one cancelled last minute so there was space for the girl but I was a bit at a 10YO celebrating their win over a bunch of 7YOs…

And what does Mediterranean culture have to do with it? I only know about France but it’s all drop off parties there from a young age so definitely not a more the merrier vibe…