To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

I went up from a 6 to a 14. I was a very fussy eater as a child and my parents had a one meal for all policy, eat it or leave it.

Freed from those constraints at university I ate what I liked, mainly pizza. Nothing green.

A couple of years after graduating my diet had much improved and I was back down to a six.

This last paragraph is very true. It’s not ideal but there are - yes there really are - more important issues in life than weight. I know some people really struggle to see that.

I know lots of people in very superficial families who all look great and are riddled with MH issues despite - and maybe even because of - their priorities. That’s not to say being healthy isn’t a good thing; but when things get out of whack it needs to be contextualised and handled appropriately. @Threetrees745 made me smile with the “ ten tonne tessie” comment, not because it isn’t awful, but because it’s exactly the sort of comment many these parents I know would make “ out of love and concern.” A bit of “gentle shaming” to set things right - without realising that maybe feeling accepted for who they are might help their Dc rather more in the bigger picture . Health is important; but the challenge for parents is that lots of things are important: confidence, acceptance, appropriate communication and a feeling of intrinsic self worth are often overlooked ( and even sacrificed) in favour of achievement and appearance.

Just to add... we already know that clothes size labels vary and my daughter, who is a similar age wears some large sizes in some things as likes them to look baggy!

That’s a huge amount of weight to gain and at her height likely to be obese, if not morbidly obese.

but you can’t raise it I don’t think : just facilitate what you can so she can live healthily eg pay for gym memberships and healthy meal box subscriptions and fresh fruit and vege deliveries (by way of example)

I agree, is she happy - with her course, her accomodation, her friendships, or is she sitting in her room crying and comfort eating, because she has practically doubled her body size in nine months and that isn’t a healthy thing to have happened.

She's 19... and probably well aware! Be really careful with conversations like this because the psychological effect of you saying something could be long lasting. You are her safe space as a parent with whom she can feel secure and free from judgment etc

I agree it's quite a bit of weight to put on but with eating disorders (and all forms of disordered eating) at an all time high I would be treading very carefully. You want to avoid a shame, binge type cycle which can be linked to poor self esteem and twisted diet and wellness culture that's all over social media etc!

Instead I would ensure there are always healthy snacks available when she's home, keep a watchful eye on her mental heath etc, support her and boost her etc as I'm sure you already are. Suggest walks etc or long shopping trips as they are good exercise too! But ultimately leave her be, most people eat and drink too much while at uni due to lifestyle- it's not forever and once she's at work it should start to come off.

Op's DD has gone up 4 dress sizes in what will have been around 9 months. She may already have an eating disorder.

Op I hope that you are finding this thread useful, it's a really difficult situation.

Yes but going up 3 or 4 dress sizes is quite extreme.

YANBU. If UK students gain weight at uni, it's probably down to the British drinking culture and the fact that young people here leave home without proper cooking and budgeting skills. Also subsidised student canteens that offer healthy choices would be a massive improvement.

Alcohol and cheap sugary carbs will do it. Then you've got a lifetime of insulin resistance

Unfortunately, as a lifetime sufferer of obesity I would be concerned too. However, your DD is an adult now and addressing it now is not appropriate.

TBH the Weightloss drugs are going to be a big game changer in the future so hopefully she will address her obesity herself when she is ready to.

I suppose I don't believe that OP suggesting a thyroid or a Pcos test can cause an eating disorder.

I would broach it directly, but I know that's not for everyone! In France we just tell people they are overweight!

It can be loads worse! Eating disorders are a living nightmare.

Maybe not.

I haven't read the whole thread but we had similar with out daughter when she went to uni. Initially she/we put it down to moving out of home, too much partying, beer etc. DH and I were very worried we agreed it was best not to mention it as she was very happy, social, got good grades etc and we were concerned about giving her issues around food.

Once she graduated and was working the weight still did not come off although she said she was trying by focussing on diet and exercise. Eventually I asked her if she really was trying or was she just telling us she was. She was adamant she was and that she found it very disheartening to not be achieving much weight loss.

I suggested she go to the doctor and long story short she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Looking back a few other things fell into place like bad breakouts on her skin, thinner hair etc. She is now receiving treatment, although there is no cure she now knows why she is like this and has been prescribed Metformin which helps with weight loss. She now sees a gynaecologist and a nutritionist regularly and is slowly losing weight, her skin is far clearer and she is happy that she can try and manage her symptoms.

I really hope your daughter does not have this as it is uncurable and affects fertility but it might be worth considering.

My generation didn't put in weight when we were at university as it was a time to be very active in sport and just generally lots of physical activity.

That was in the mid 80s and takeaways and snacks weren't such a big thing as they are today.

It was also socially a massive no no to be overweight.

Today they have 'fat shaming' and 'body positivity' and that 'be kind' nonsense which doesn't do anyone any favours and just encourages an unhealthy appearance.

I have three sons, two have become very overweight since they became adults and in their 20's are now definitely obese. The other is slim. I am slim, size 8-10 and fed them healthy food as kids, all normal weight till they had the option to buy takeaways and snacks ! ie until they had their own money. I talk to them about it IF they bring it up with me, never ever off my own bat. I worry about it, I am genuinely concerned for their health, but I cannot change it and I can only give advice if I am asked for it.Its hard, but I reckon when they are motivated they will change it ...I do know they both dislike being overweight for a million reasons ...

Tbh I was kind of heartened that here was a man not projecting superficial ideals onto a young woman. Lots of fathers would be embarrassed, which I think is worse.

Id give her a little longer oP and see if she opens up about it. It’s not ideal but equally weight is more of a problem if it hangs about for years. It’s tricky as she really isn’t a child anymore- or at least is making the transition. There would definitely be a an undertone of “first taste of independence and you’ve slipped up” which is also not ideal in other ways. I suspect a bit of time will give you an opening to offer support on that front.

Don't bring up weight, but discuss with her healthy eating, alcohol and sugar intake and exercise.

20 years ago when I was there it was very common to gain weight. All the booze and takeaways and inactive lifestyles, both men and women.

I’d be really concerned. Size 22 is very obese & unhealthy. It will have consequences for her energy & health moving forward, She’s an adult though & she may have got sucked into a “body positivity” mindset. Very tricky.

I'm really, REALLY surprised she has not mentioned this in conversation to you OP. Are you not very close? Could there be a reason she hasn't mentioned this?

As someone who has struggled with weight all my life, particularly since teens, I just can't imagine a scenario I wouldn't have at some point, spoken to my mother about it.

That being said, the ONLY time I gained this much weight, this fast, was gaining 5 stone in a few months, after having the contraceptive implant fitted. GP & nurses (whom I did speak to about it, as I knew myself I'd not changed anything about my lifestyle, not a bean) absolutely assured me that the contraceptive implant could not cause weight gain, and if anything, caused weight loss in some people. A few years later, I started dropping weight randomly, very fast - had people commenting on it, asking what I was doing to lose weight. Absolutely nothing - I hadn't changed eating habits, exercise or lifestyle in any way. The only thing that had changed, so it turned out, was the contraceptive implant had ran past the time of effectiveness (I was very late having it removed). I have met one other person this has happened to.

I'd not find it hard to imagine that she would be using contraception whilst away at Uni. Whilst it's not typical to gain such a large amount of weight, so quickly, from contraception, it absolutely happens in a minority of cases. For me, it almost as if it 'triggered' my PCOS symptoms, which I was later diagnosed with (whether it would have emerged anyway, who knows, but it certainly triggered something).

There are also other medical problems it could be - cushings syndrome is one.

I don't want to get into the great big 'fat debate' with people, where we all argue that fat people are just lazy and greedy vs medical issue cause, but at 5 foot 2, and speaking from experience of having weight issues, gaining that amount of weight in a year by diet alone is a massive undertaking and not an easy feat, without some other problems at play. If it WERE from diet alone, I'd be really concerned at what's suddenly changed so quickly, to make her diet change that drastically and quickly.

Drinking and a bad diet will absolutely make you gain weight, and weight gain can be surprisingly rapid - this is too rapid. Why hasn't she spoken to you herself, is my other concern.

I'd have no idea how you'd raise this with her given she hasn't initiated the conversation herself. But there's more to this.